


Fortunately, For Us

by bowiesnippleantennae



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-09-15
Updated: 2013-11-09
Packaged: 2017-11-14 07:36:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 22
Words: 57,957
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/512862
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bowiesnippleantennae/pseuds/bowiesnippleantennae
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>an internet confidante and a super secrety secret!</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Last night, you were a queen. Your kingdom was dark and rocky but it was warm and inviting. It was your home and you loved every single rock and blade of grass. You would walk through the caverns with golden foot steps that faded in your wake. The springs that drip through the walls and ceilings were your orchestra and you slipped through the rock pillars like a snake in familiar territory. It is everything you've ever wanted. The colors on the walls mimicked the happiness in your heart and you smeared on another shade to complete the portrait. You gazed upon it but it made you sad. There, painted upon the slab rock, is the one thing that you are missing. 

You wake up. 

Tonight, your children are sick. They cry and sweat and you cannot keep up with how much cold presses they need. The stress accumulates until you are weeping in the corner and the ground is melting under you. There is an ocean there and you sink and sink until everything goes blue then black and you think to yourself, this must be what death feels like. You hit white cubes and you lay there until something is pulling you up and then you are sad again. So very sad. Not for your children, but for yourself. There is something you lack and you cannot seem to find it.

You don't want to sleep anymore. There is nothing for you there but a feeling of doubt and emptiness that you do not want to be reminded of.

Rolling over to your computer, you open it up and log on and smile softly at the glowing light.

\-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] began pestering arsenicCatnip [AC] \--


	2. Chapter 2

**== > Be the adorable cat girl.**

You are not really a cat but you are most definitely a girl! You just enjoy cats and things about them and petting them and drawing pictures of them and pretending to be them. Even though it's not allowed at school, you've gotten in trouble more than once for wearing your kitty ears to class. It's worth the laughter, though. Let them laugh. They're cute as fuck and you don't care who knows it! 

But there is a time and a place for everything and you don't like getting scolded, so you retired the poor ears for the weekends and after school. You think you will probably grow out of this and that thought makes you very sad.

You have a very good friend. You do not know much about him other than he likes to rant a lot and he gets angry very easily but never takes it out on you. And if he ever did, all you had to do was tell him he was doing that and he would take it back and apologize. He is very sweet on the inside. You can see it. You do not know his real name and he does not know yours. It was an agreement the two of you made when you first met in the rp forum back in middle school. You go by your chumhandles instead. It was mostly for security reasons so your parents wouldn't get mad at you but then the nicknames stuck and it became an unspoken rule. 

You tell him everything about your life, though. He is quick to give you advice and help you with your homework. He's the same age as you (you know that much) and you can work on homework together over Pesterchum and that is very nice. You prefer his company from your computer screen over anyone else in real life. He is a true friend. Not your only, though. He's just the best. 

A number of kids at your high school you do like. There is Equius, whom you've known since you were little kids. His family and your family have been neighbors since before the two of you were born. You were always babysat together, gone on family trips together, went to camp together. He is like a brother. He even scares away the people who bully you and you like to think that this is all some weird, perfectly made story by some anime writer.

You have lost track of your main point.

Oh, yes. Your life is okay. 

Tavros sits next to you in your first two classes and the two of you draw pictures for each other. He's not very good but he comes up with really interesting characters. They are not the strongest, but you don't think strength is always important. Equius would disagree with you and that is why you don't tell Equius everything like you think you should. That is why you tell your internet friend everything. He would agree with you. He would give you constructive criticism on your characters because he makes them too! 

Even though you are both in high school and even though it seems very kiddish, you still role play almost every afternoon. You both have characters that are developed very well. They are your babies, you created them so that their fates revolved around each other. You joke about making your role plays into actual comics, someday but you think you both need to get better at drawing, first. Your character's name is simply The Disciple. She follows around your friend's character, The Signless, on adventures and jots down his sermons and spreads his teachings. There is a rift in the species of your world and your characters' goal is to spread equality and mend the rift before the species destroy themselves. Sometimes Tavros and a few others join in on your rp and pick sides. When everyone is in, you can have a battle, but usually, it's just the two of you which is okay. It's easier to add onto the plot when it's only two people working on it. No one else gets in the way. 

Terezi is another friend you go to school with. She is fairly new and fairly strange and a great role player! Her characters are always logical and calculating and whenever she's online, you and your friend like to come up with crimes she could crack. The harder it is for her, the more fun she has so the two of you work together to make them as twisted and difficult as possible. He's really good at that, like most other things. You just wish he could see it, himself. 

Vriska is another friend you occasionally role play with. It doesn't happen often because no one besides Terezi enjoys how she goes about it. She loves being the villain which is great when no one else wants to be, but she always wins and you don't think that's fair at all. Terezi and Vriska usually get into real arguments about it and they bring that anger to school and you've had to mediate whenever Kanaya isn't around. Kanaya usually keeps Vriska under control, but once you had to stop the two of them from fighting because Kanaya was sick that day and it was just really awful and you never want to go through that again. 

Aradia used to role play with you guys until Vriska started joining in. You tried asking her why but she always avoided the questions and you gave up after a while. Everyone agrees it's because of Vriska, though. You secretly think it's a jealousy thing. That Aradia likes Vriska in real life but is jealous of how flirty Vriska's characters are with everyone else's. 

You have a secret habit of shipping your friends. You've told Terezi and your internet friend and they both think it's hilarious, but it's not! It is so serious! You take it very seriously. 

You are also the reason all of them role play together.

There is one more person in your life that is very important to you. His name is Karkat and he is grouchy and unapproachable and perfect in every day. You first noticed him in middle school when he got into a fight with another kid during gym and you watched as he took on two more people after pushing the other kid to the ground. You had watched as he fought back until the teachers pulled the other two off and he was so cool, glaring up at everyone who is bigger than him. He isn't afraid of anyone and he doesn't let people push him around or bully him and you admire that greatly. He has no idea you think of him in such a light. He doesn't even know you exist. He's in about four of your classes this year and it's nerve-racking. You had talked to your friend about this, and he had given you some unhelpful advice. 

\-- arsenicCatnip [AC] began pestering carcinoGenesist [CG] \--

AC: we have 4 classes togefur.  
CG: PARDON.  
AC: me and the boy!  
AC: the one i like!  
AC: :cc  
CG: I STILL DON'T KNOW WHY YOU CAN'T TELL ME HIS NAME.  
CG: THAT WOULD MAKE THINGS A LOT EASIER.  
AC: ssshhhhhh! that is not the issue here!  
AC: i zone out in class enough as it is, i cant be s33ing him as well!  
AC: my mind will wander... as in it has already and its only been the first day  
CG: WELL, THAT IS QUITE THE PREDICAMENT.  
CG: YOU'VE GOT A REAL PROBLEM HERE.  
AC: oh no... really? :cc  
CG: NO YOU IDIOT. THAT WAS SARCASM.  
CG: THIS IS ACTUALLY PERFECT FOR YOU.  
CG: PURFECT, EVEN. THERE I DID YOUR STUPID FUCKING QUIRK TO SHOW YOU HOW SINCERE I'M TRYING TO BE IS IT WORKING?  
AC: not really but i appreciate the attempt! meeeoowwww  
CG: BUT DON'T YOU SEE? THIS IS THE UNIVERSE PLOPPING OPORTUNITY RIGHT INTO YOUR FUCKING LAP.  
AC: are you purrposing what i think youre purrposing?  
CG: TALK TO HIM.  
AC: nooooooo!!!! xcc  
CG: OF COURSE...  
CG: LISTEN, AC, WHAT IS THE POINT OF BEING INFATUATED WITH SOMEONE IF YOU CAN'T EVEN GET WITH THEM? THAT IS LIKE A WASTE OF EVERY KIND OF EMOTION POSSIBLE.  
AC: no it isnt  
CG: YES IT IS. YOU ARE WASTING A POSSIBLE FRIENDSHIP, A POSSIBLE RELATIONSHIP. AND SHIT, MAYBE YOU'D REALIZE HE'S A HUGE FUCKING ASSHOLE AND WASTE POSSIBLE DETESTMENT. THERE IS A LOT OF POSSIBILITY HERE AND IT'S ALL GOING TO WASTE. ALL OF IT.  
CG: NOW YOU CAN EITHER LET IT ALL SLIP BY YOU AND LIVE WITH THE REGRET OF "WHAT IFS" OR YOU CAN JUST SAY HI TO HIM AND INTRODUCE YOURSELF AND SEE WHERE THAT TAKES YOU.  
AC: that all sounds easier said than done...  
AC: you are over-estimating my abilities to communicate with such a purrfect creature  
AC: cg, he is like this wonderful ball of angry and emotion and prickly fur  
AC: hes untouchable!  
AC: i will just be a spectator  
AC: im okay with that  
AC: but i cant just day dream about him when im supposed to be paying attention to my work! this is the problem cg  
CG: WHAT IF TALKING TO HIM BREAKS THAT SEXUAL TENSION AND YOU END UP BEING ABLE TO THINK OF THINGS OTHER THAN HIM AND STILL BE IN THE SAME ROOM?  
AC: i dont think it works that way  
CG: I'M PRETTY SURE IT FUCKING DOES.  
AC: no  
CG: YES.  
AC: no it doesnt  
CG: OH MY CHAFFING TAINT. YES IT DOES, AC.  
CG: I KNOW WHAT I AM TALKING ABOUT.  
AC: i think youre full of it!! x33  
CG: AC...  
CG: IF YOU'RE NOT GOING TO TAKE MY ADVICE THEN WHY DO YOU ALWAYS COME TO ME? WHY NOT TALK TO ONE OF YOUR GIRL FRIENDS WHO ACTUALLY KNOWS WHO THE GUY IS AND COULD POSSIBLY HELP MORE?  
AC: beclaws no one else knows but you and i trust them even less!  
AC: this is all a very delicate situation and i dont want him to catch word of me and my secrety-secret fancy for him!!!! xcc  
CG: FAIR ENOUGH, THEN.  
CG: ANYTHING ELSE YOU WANT TO GET OFF YOUR CHEST?  
AC: thats about it...  
AC: thanks for listening to me and putting up with me mrow...  
CG: YEAH, WELL... I TRIED.  
AC: h33 h33!

Now that you've caught everyone up on your life, you can skip forward to one of your group role plays! Vriska ends up joining in much to everyone's dismay. You make a small noise of annoyance when her name pops up on your screen. 

\-- aracnidsGrip [AG] joined the chat --

CG: OH FOR FUCK'S SAKE  
CG: WHO THE HELL INVITED THE SOCIOPATH?  
AG: Missed you, too, CG. :::;)  
CG: THAT SPIDER THING YOU DO? YEAH, THAT'S STILL A THING THAT ISN'T CUTE OR CHARMING IN THE VERY LEAST. WE WERE GOING TO HAVE A REALLY GREAT TIME TONIGHT UNTIL YOU SHOWED UP. GET LOST.  
AG: But GC invited me, that is soooooooo rude of you! I can't even 8elieve you would just shoot down such a gr8t roleplayer down like that!  
AG: And 8y gr8t player, I mean me of course.  
GC: H3Y >:[  
AG: Hahahahahahahaha  
AG: You know I am just pulling your leg, GC. <33333333  
TA: uHHH, tHIS IS ALL VERY ENTERTAINING, aND i LIKE TO SEE EVERYONE HAVING FUN AND, cONVERSING AND ALL, bUT, cAN WE PICK UP WHERE WE LEFT OFF? i HAVE TO GO TO DINNER SOON AND THEN i HAVE SOME HOMEWORK,,,  
AG: Okay, let's get this over with so the Mr. 8a8y McDiaperpants can go poopy in his little 8a8y diaper.  
TA: }:(  
AC: hey what did i miss?  
CG: GC FUCKING INVITED AG, SO I GUESS NOW WE'RE GOING TO HAVE TO STOP WHATEVER STUPID PLAN SHE COMES UP WITH THIS TIME.  
AC: oh  
AC: well the disciple is always ready to fight! >:33  
AC: the pirate spider has no chance agains her claws!  
CG: YEAH WELL, I'M GOING TO BE A FUCKING PACIFIST AND SIT THIS SHIT OUT.   
AG: Don't 8e like that, man!  
AG: You know you love my campaigns! I am the reason everyone keeps coming 8ack for more! There is nothing that is more fun than the shit I cook up.  
AG: Admit it.  
AG: Come on.  
TA: tHIS IS SO AWKWARD,,,

Meanwhile, CG sends you a private message to rant about why he was not in the mood for this. You calm him down and tell him he doesn't have to role play tonight and he tells you that you are right and ends up talking to you in your private message until the both of you go to sleep. 

Vriska brags about how no one is ever going to be strong enough to kill of her perfect character the next day. She brings it up at lunch and Terezi and her bicker about it while you doodle The Disciple and The Signless. You draw them holding hands and you can't wait to show CG this later tonight. You'll scan it and color it and post it on your blog. 

"Nepeta, tell her that I put up a great fight last night!"

"Huh?!" You are violently snapped from your thoughts and you blink up, doe-eyed at the two girls. Vriska glares down at you like you've just insulted her entire family. 

"Last night! That was a wicked battle, admit it! Pyrope thinks I cheated and made up rules and used loop holes to make my character invincible! She just doesn't understand that I am naturally good at coming up with powers and defenses and all things that make up an all around great character! It isn't my fault she can't do the same."

"Redglare is probably the most sophisticated, well rounded character in this entire role play. Oh, well one of them at least. The Disciple's pretty kick ass, sorry Nepeta." You shake your head and laugh. "You can't just sit there, Serket, and tell me that you have a perfect character when you don't, first and foremost, and everyone's characters are good and strong in their own way." 

"Hah! That is so cute, that you would defend everyone else..."

You tune them out and go back to your doodles. Tavros sits next to you and you smile at him. 

"What are you drawing? Oh my gosh, is that The Disciple and The Signless?" He slowly takes the drawing and marvels at it. "Could you draw The Summoner for me? That would be so cool! You're really good at drawing, Nep..." 

"Aw man, thanks!" You take the drawing back when he hands it to you and doodle a cute summoner in the corner and he exclaims happily. 

"You know, I was thinking that maybe he could come across a herd of dragons and then commune with them? Like, on his travels... And that way the next time Vriska brings in Mindfang, we will have an army of dragons and she won't be able to do those awful things... that she likes to do..."

"That is a really great idea, Tavros! I think it would help us a lot." You beam at him. You then draw a few dragons flying around the tiny Summoner and he begins naming them. 

After lunch, you have your 4th and last class with Karkat and he sits right next to you. You gulp audibly and try to keep yourself from sneaking peeks at him while the teacher drones on. This becomes increasingly hard as the class goes on and you find yourself doodling him on the side of your paper with a little heart that says "oh yesssssS" next to him. Realizing he could easily glance over and see it, you erase it frantically. No one notices. Crisis averted. This will be something you can tell CG when you get home. He'll have a field day with that.

"Hey," Your head snaps to the right and you are face to face with the boy you just goofily doodled on your notes. He blinks and you take note of how thick his eye lashes are and how dark his irises are and you have to force yourself to pay attention to what he is saying. "I'm not really sure how to do this fucking problem. What'd you get?"

"Uhhh..." You look down at your paper which is full of drawings instead of notes and equations like it should be. Apparently, the teacher had asked everyone to work on one problem and is going to ask someone to solve it on the board before the class ends but you completely missed those directions. You laugh nervously and cover your paper with your hand. "I'm not... very good at math, so... uh..."

"Whoa, did you draw those?" He leans over and you plop your crossed arms on the paper.

"No! I mean, yes! I drew them, but it's nothing, they're nothing! Ahaha..." 

"Nothing, my ass. Let me see..." He reaches towards them and slide them towards the other side of your desk.

"No!" You didn't mean to squeal and the girl sitting in front of you turns around and gives you a look and you apologize. 

"Listen, we can do this the easy way or the hard way, don't cause a scene." He warns and you want to cry. Why you? Why this?

"They're just dumb lines on paper!"

"Fine." He leans back in his seat and glares forward. You relax a bit and whimper down at your paper. "I still don't know how to do this equation."

"Me neither." You admit and your forehead thumps onto the table. 

"Nepeta, right?" 

You peek out at him and nod slightly. 

"Yeah we've had classes together before, or whatever." He doesn't look at you and it's not a question, just a statement and you get stuck staring at his perfect profile. You note how his chin juts out in a way that says he doesn't take lip from anyone. "If we're both this godawful at math, then we're in trouble. I don't know anyone else in here but I guess working with you will have to do. Maybe if we both try hard enough one of us will learn and the other will get it through osmosis. What are you gawking at?" You blink and meet his eyes and he glares darkly at you. 

"N-Nothing! You're not good at math?"

"Tch! I don't know how much you know about me, but this isn't something I pride myself in. I prefer computers. At least they can do all this shit for you and you don't have to waste your time trying to figure it out yourself. I mean, there is no point of this for me. I don't know about you, but when I get out of this institutional prison, I'm going out west. I don't need to know logarithms to write a script for a movie. It's all just pointless busy work and that shit pisses me off." 

"You want to write for movies?"

"Hm? Yeah, or like TV shows. Anything to bring up the quality of entertainment. I can't stand most of the dribble I see on cable these days. Even in the movies, something's been lost."

"I guess you're right..." 

He gives you a long, thoughtful stare and you can feel your cheeks burning red. This is when the teacher chimes in, asking for someone to solve the problem on the board and you both turn your attention to the front of the class. You will your heart to beat less frantically and you wish for the color of your cheeks to go back to being the soft tan of your actual skin color. The cold sweat goes away first and you are almost back to normal by the time the kid is done explaining how he found the value of x. 

Everyone gets up when the bell rings and you feel a hand touch your shoulder as you slip your backpack on. You look up at it's owner and gulp.

"See you tomorrow," Karkat says and walks out of the class. You could die right now. You could just die. 

This is going to be a long year.


	3. Chapter 3

**== > Be the prickly teen boy.**

You are now the prickly teen boy. A lot of things in your life are awful. That is what you like to project, anyway. You probably don't actually think things are super awful, as in they could be worse but they aren't. They are just stuck in this sort of bad but basically bearable state and that is something you just really hate. You go to school, you eat, and you go on the computer. That is about it. Your only saving grace is roleplaying and you don't like to brag about that because it's pretty fucking pathetic. Giving it up is not an option, not when it's the only form of creative expression you give yourself and it's the only thing you put any sort of effort into. Making up stories is great, writing is great, and you have a few friends who you allow into this little world of yours because what is the point of enjoying it alone? You do what is necessary.

Speaking of which, someone is messaging you. Olive green blinks on your monitor and you open up the window. It's from your friend, AC. You talk to her almost every day and she is really nice to you which you feel like you don't deserve but you can't stop her from doing what she wants. And what she wants is to tell you about her day, considering what her message says.

AC: *ac prances up to cg and mews happily up at him. she has had a purrfect day and would like to share her happiness with him!*  
AC: *ac licks her paws and waits patiently for cg to respawnd.*  
AC: h33 h33 get it resPAWnd  
CG: YEAH I GET IT. GOOD JOB.  
AC: * ac beams brightly up at her furrend* you will not guess what happened today!  
CG: YOU ARE PROBABLY RIGHT. UNLESS IT HAS SOMETHING TO DO WITH THIS MYSTERY DOUCHE THAT YOU SEEM TO BE HEAD OVER HEELS FOR. GOD KNOWS WHY. HE SOUNDS LIKE A HUGE ASSHOLE, FROM WHAT YOU'VE TOLD ME.  
AC: you don't know him so you can't even talk cg! he is hard on the outside but soft and gentle on the inside, just like a stray cat.  
AC: and it just so happens that that is not why i am so pleased right now!  
AC: well okay he is part of the reason but that is not even the biggest part. there are all these little parts that have made up my day.  
AC: furst, ag said that she was going to be nicer to ta after he threatened to quit rping with us!!! DD: i was really upset at furst but then i figured it was good that this happened. i don't know how good her word is but i would like to believe it!   
CG: ONLY YOU WOULD BE THAT HAPPY ABOUT SOMETHING LIKE THAT...  
AC: and theeeen, i was asked to join the school mewspaper and make logos and things like that for them. one of the girls saw my drawing i did for my art class and liked it and asked me today...  
AC: and i said  
AC: yes!  
CG: OH SHIT, THAT IS KIND OF COOL.   
AC: it is more than kind of cool it is the best. :33  
CG: SO THEN WHAT WAS IT WITH THE GUY?  
AC: oh yeah!!!!  
AC: okay so he just waved at me in the hallways  
CG: JESUS CHRIST I SHOULD'VE KNOWN...

You rub the bridge of your nose with your fingers and sigh outwardly. There is no possible way that something that insignificant would make someone that happy. You wave at people all the time and you have people wave at you and you don't run home to gush about it to your friends. You have been working for years, trying to make this girl a normal fucking human being and it has been a huge challenge. How is she ever supposed to get with this guy if she can't even hold a fucking conversation with him? She is the epitome of hopeless. You have your work cut out for you.

AC: don't be mean!  
AC: baby steps, remempurr?  
AC: heh heh purr purr~  
CG: YEAH I KNOW BUT IT'S LIKE, WHEN'S THE FIRST STEP, YOU KNOW? YOU HAVE TO GET BETTER AT THIS COMMUNICATIONS THING OR ELSE YOU WILL MISS REALLY CRUCIAL OPPORTUNITIES.  
CG: WHAT IF YOU END UP GETTING ASKED OUT BY THIS GUY? WHAT WOULD YOU SAY TO HIM?  
AC: oh no...  
AC: i would not say anything!  
CG: WH  
CG: OKAY LET'S TRY THIS OUT.  
CG: I WILL BE THE GUY AND I WILL ASK YOU OUT AND YOU TRY TO HANDLE IT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, OKAY?  
AC: *ac puts a contemplative paw to her cute, kitten mouth.* i dunno...  
CG: WE ROLEPLAY ALL THE TIME HOW IS THIS ANY DIFFERENT?  
AC: you're right... okay then.  
CG: HEY, HOW'S IT GOING?  
AC: *ac blinks and looks around. was he talking to her? he couldn't pawssibly! there was just no way! she looks up and s33s that he is staring right at her and she gulps, audibly.* p-purrity good...  
CG: OH MY GOD.  
CG: END OF SIMULATION. YOU GET A BIG FAT F.  
CG: F FOR FAILURE, BY THE WAY... NOT FURRY OR ANYTHING PERTAINING TO CATS OR ANIMALS.  
AC: aw maaaaan  
AC: let's try again, i'll be serious this time!  
CG: YOU HAD BETTER.  
CG: OKAY  
CG: WHAT ARE YOU DOING THIS SATURDAY NIGHT?  
AC: *ac fidgets with her hands and looks down at her feet.* n-nothing, i don't think... why do you ask? *ac blinks up at him with expecting eyes.*  
CG: WELL, IF YOU WANT, WE COULD HANG OUT?  
CG: JUST THE TWO OF US.  
AC: *acs eyes widen. just the two of them? was this a dream come true? she turns away and presses her hands to her ch33ks. she could not believe her ears!*  
CG: AC, ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS RIGHT NOW. WOULD YOU REALLY DO ALL OF THAT IF HE WERE TO ASK YOU TO HANG OUT? IT WASN'T EVEN LIKE A DATE THING.   
AC: you know i probably would do all of that  
AC: my life is an anime, cg you don't understand.  
CG: HOLY FUCKING SHIT.  
CG: WELL, GOOD LUCK THEN. YOU HAVE TO ACTUALLY GET HIM TO NOTICE YOU MORE BEFORE WE CAN EVEN REACH THAT STEP.  
AC: we?  
CG: UH, I MEAN YOU. AND ME IF I AM HELPING YOU.  
AC: h33 h33 is cg jealous?!  
CG: EXCUSE YOU.  
CG: ALSO FUCK YOU.  
CG: WHY THE HELL WOULD I BE JEALOUS? I WANT MY FRIEND TO BE HAPPY. IS THAT SO BAD? WHY WOULD I HAVE AN ULTERIOR MOTIVE?  
AC: hahahahah okaaay~

Talking to her can be so exhausting, sometimes.

At school, you don't talk to many people. There is Sollux, who you've known since 9th grade and Eridan who you like to use as possible examples for how not to be with the ladies. Gamzee is another friend of yours but you don't see him often. He doesn't come to school as much as you wished he did. He's probably going to get held back. Maybe you should go to his house and check up on him. Then, there are your acquaintances; A group of weebs you feel like you should know better but you don't put any effort into it, a few popular people, and then there is everyone else you don't even bother getting to know. Feferi is friendly towards you, but she is friendly with everyone. You only really know her because you had a class together and she helped you with the homework sometimes. You wish she was in your math class this year because you could really use the tutoring. Maybe she would have time to meet with you after class or something. There is one girl you know in the class and you have categorized her under the weeb group. She is nice, a little strange, but not judgmental or hot-tempered in the least. You are okay with sitting next to her. She doesn't bother you or anything like that and it is tolerable.

There is not much more to your school life than that. When you're there, you think about other things. You listen to music to tune Sollux out at lunch and he hates it but understands.

"That ith probably the rudetht thing you could pothibly do to me, KK. I wonder why we are thtill friendth," he says, agitated and standing for emphasis.

You pluck an earbud out. "Then end the friendship, dipshit." There is a long silence and he sits back down next to you and hangs his head.

"Nah..." he finally says.

"Okay." And you push the earbud back into your ear and zone out until lunch is over. You prefer sitting in silence with someone than sitting alone and he is basically the only person you know that gets it. Even if he does put up a fight, sometimes.

Still, the best part of your day is getting on your computer after all else is said and done and plotting out the next part of the story. The big one. You want to suggest the possibility of The Signless and The Disciple getting together. It makes sense and you could see it working out nicely, considering how the characters already act with each other. Bringing this up with AC tonight probably isn't for the best, though. You want to work out the kinks before you propose something this intimate to her. The fact that she has someone that she has actual feelings for and he's a real, living person is another reason you are hesitant. You're not sure how you feel about her projecting her affections onto your character and you're also not sure how she would take it. Maybe she would feel weird because she is innocent and genuine and wouldn't want to be flirty with anyone other than her real crush. Maybe she has no idea how to even express her emotions in a way that isn't gushing about them to strangers on the internet. Vaguely, you wonder what she is like in person and how good of friends you two would be if you went to the same school or lived on the same street. Maybe she is really cute and small. Maybe she weighs more than you and is taller than you. Maybe she is actually a 40-year-old man who's been pulling you for a loop all these years. You'd like to think that that last one is very wrong and you shake it out of your mind. AC is just AC and she is really great the way she is.

How did you even get on this mental tangent in the first place?

Suddenly, an invite to a group chat pops up on your desktop and you sigh, joining it against your better judgement.

\-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] has joined the chat --  
AC: *ac pounces on cg's back, scaring him shitless*  
CT: D--> Watch your language, please.  
AC: h33h33  
CG: WHAT IS THIS CHAT EVEN FOR? ARE WE JUST CHILLING OUT OR  
AC: ct wanted to check out what this whole rping thing is about so i invited him!  
AC: though i don't know if he'll even be purrticipating... :cc  
CT: D--> I will be a spectator, today. There is no reason for me to get involved when this won't be a thing that continues to happen, often at least.   
AC: awww...  
CG: IS ANYONE ELSE COMING?  
AC: ta said he was going to be here shortly! but i don't know, i don't see anyone else on right meow.  
CG: WELL THEN RPING NOW WILL BE KIND OF WEIRD SINCE, YOU KNOW... WE HAVE AN AUDIENCE.  
CT: D--> There is nothing you could write that I shouldn't be able to see.  
CG: YEAH WELL, FUCK YOU AND THE HORSE YOU RODE IN ON. I DON'T HAVE TO DO ANYTHING FOR ANYONE. AND I ESPECIALLY DON'T HAVE TO SHARE MY GREAT TALENT WITH SOMEONE WHO WON'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT.  
AC: ct will apurreciate it, though!  
AC: won't you? :33  
CT: D--> Appreciate is a STRONG word but I will not mock you for playing a little game of pretend with someone you do not know in real life.   
CG: WOW THAT WAS PROBABLY THE MOST CONDESCENDING THING I HAVE EVER HEARD GOOD BYE.  
AC: waaaaait!!!!  
AC: that is just how he is, he didn't mean to be a jerk about it!  
AC: cg you come back to your computer right this instant. i know you just walked away to get something to drink but i will not let you worm your way out of this!  
AC: my friend is genuinely curious about what i spend hours and hours doing on the internet and this is how i am showing him!!  
CT: D--> And proving to me that it is not a huge waste of time and that you couldn't be doing anything more constructive with your afternoons.   
AC: yeah that!  
AC: omg  
\-- adiosToraedor [AT] has joined the chat --  
AT: hELLO, aLL }:)  
AT: hOW IS EVERYONE THIS EVENING?  
AC: i'm alright...  
AC: oh, this is my friend, ct! he wanted to see what the whole rping thing was about, so i invited me :33  
AT: oH, tHAT IS PRETTY COOL AND NICE OF HIM  
AT: i'M aT, iT IS VERY NICE TO MEET YOU  
CT: D--> Likewise.   
AC: cg was here but then he hissed at us and ran off like a scared cat.  
AC: i'm not sure if or when he will be coming back. i messaged him purrivately to see if he was okay but he still hasn't respawnded. :cc

You had actually gotten up to go to the bathroom. Still annoyed by the time you were done, you went down stairs and made a microwaveable pizza and got yourself something to drink and then decided that going back up the stairs was too much, what with all the things you had to carry, so you ate in peace while your dad watched Wheel of Fortune and your cat Luca curled around your feet. It was a very zen experience.

When you eventually saunter up into your room again, a lot had passed in the chat. Mostly just AC and TA explaining the general plot of your group's roleplay. You had a private message from AC, as well. You were not surprised in the least. You also decide to answer her, first.

AC: what is your deeeeal?  
AC: are you in a bad mood tonight or what? >;cc  
AC: the last thing ct is is judgmental so you don't have to worry about anyone making fun of you if that's what's got your tail in a knot.  
AC: i bet that is what it actually is.  
AC: you are just a scaredy-cat that is afraid of people not liking him!  
AC: wow i just made myself kind of sad...  
AC: if you efur n33d someone to talk to you know i am always here for you okay?  
AC: i am going to go back to the chat and maybe rp with ta a little and i hope you f33l better and/or reply sometime soon!  
AC: <3

You stare at the window for a moment after you finish reading and feel like the biggest tool in the shed. You do not deserve someone who puts up with your shit as much as she does and she's on the other side of the internet. The least you could do is message her back and tell her that it's not a big deal and that you weren't mad.

CG: YEAH I WAS JUST IN THE BATHROOM AND THEN I WENT AND HAD DINNER. NO BIG DEAL, OKAY?  
AC: okaaay  
AC: as long as you weren't angry or upset or anything...  
CG: NOPE. EVERYTHING IS COOL.  
CG: BUT I DON'T THINK I AM UP FOR RPING WITH A CROWD TONIGHT, SO YOU HAVE FUN WITH THAT.  
CG: I HAVE SOME HOMEWORK AND THINGS TO DO AND I WILL KEEP MYSELF BUSY.  
AC: okaaay :cc  
AC: you will be missed  
CG: AS IF.  
AC: disciple is without her leader... it is a sad night fur everyone. :cc  
CG: SHE WILL SURVIVE.  
AC: pawssibly but you don't know that! what if she decides that she n33ds to follow someone else and they are actually a better public speaker and everything!   
CG: NO WAY IN HELL THAT WOULD EVER HAPPEN. THE DISCIPLE IS TOO INTO THE SIGNLESS TO HAVE ANYONE ELSE GET IN BETWEEN THEM. THEY ARE INSEPARABLE. AND ALSO INSUFFERABLE. THIS IS MAKING ME GAG.   
AC: ahahahahahaha  
AC: *the disciple walks up to her brooding leader and rubs her face on his shoulder in an affectionate manner. there is no way she would actually leave him. they are all each other have and that is something she couldn't pawssibly do to either of them.*  
CG: *THE SIGNLESS SIGHS HEAVILY, BUT PATS HER HEAD IN RESPONSE. THIS WAS A DUMB FIGHT. THEY SHOULD NEVER BRING IT UP AGAIN.*  
AC: okay :33

You smile at your monitor.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have no idea why the coding on the last chapter is so messed up now. I tried fixing it over and over again. I even redid the codes entirely and it still looks all jacked up. 
> 
> I... am so sorry. 
> 
> Here's a code-free chapter. ahah.
> 
> EDIT 12/19: HI EVERYONE, THIS IS GHOSTY. bowiesnippleantennae didn't sign out so i've taken the liberty of fixing all the coding and any other things that need tweaking like typos! enjoy :D

**== > Be the girl nodding off in class.**

After a long night of bad decisions, school is the last thing on your mind. It has been moved aside to make room for exhaustion. It is taking over and you can't seem to understand what the teachers are saying. You're basically allowing muscle memory to get you from class to class - just enough energy to make it through the day until you can get home and nap until dinner. You want to say you regret choosing roleplaying over sleep but you don't. It's too fun, too fulfilling. You just enjoy talking to CG so much.

Some time has passed and he's helped you a lot with your boy troubles. You can now greet Karkat wholeheartedly and speak with him with only a little bit of a trill in your nerve-stricken voice. This is a huge improvement, you think. He thinks so, too. You can almost call Karkat a friend, now though you're not sure how he treats his friends and you only talk in the classes you have together. It isn't even every day that you get to converse with him but you think that is probably better than what would be the case if you didn't have your own personal trainer, rooting for you the entire way. 

"Nepeta, you're nodding off into your lunch," Aradia says, taking her seat next to you.

You blink down at your food and push it aside, giving your folded arms some room so you can bury your face into them. 

"I have some coffee in this thermostat if you want some to get you through the rest of the day." She taps your shoulder with it and you peek out at her. 

"Coffee is so gross, though. Do you even put sugar in it?" 

"It's so much better this way, though. You should really try it before you decide to hate it," she says, unscrewing the top and taking a swig. You grimace. There is nothing appealing about poopy, bitter water. 

You sit in silence for a few moments while Aradia sips on her drink and you nod in and out of unconsciousness, before one of your friends walks over and sit across from you. Aradia's change in tone means that one of them is Vriska. You force your head up and smile sleepily at her. She ignores it.

"Did you tell him to do it?"

"I have no idea what you're talking about." 

"Don't play coy with me. I have a coy and bullshit detector and it's off the charts how much bullshit you are spewing at me right now." 

"Why don't you give me some details before I start owning up to whatever it is you're accusing me for."

"Hah! As if you don't know! You talked Tavros into kicking me out of the roleplay. Admit it! It couldn't have been anyone else! You think he'd have the balls to stand up to me himself, of that he'd even want to! The kid's practically in love with me, it's so obvious. This is just you trying to get back at me for killing off The Handmaid and I'm just here to let you know that it worked. Congratu-fucking-lations."

You are now wide awake.

Aradia stares at Vriska for a moment, probably letting this sink in before sighing and leaning back in her chair a bit. 

"So you're accusing me of manipulating someone else into do something I could've easily done myself last years? Not everyone is like you, Vriska." 

"Way to twist my words around."

"I'm not twisting your words around, I'm simply telling you that I would've talked to you myself if I wanted you out of the roleplay back when it first happened."

"So you're saying Tavros did this of his own accord?" She crosses her arms, a smug smile gracing her face. You could write fanfic after fanfic about this one moment, it's so perfect. 

"I'm saying it's not completely impossible." You glance towards Aradia and even though her voice is perfectly leveled, the knit in her eyebrows and the downward tilt of her mouth tells you she is fucking livid. 

"He doesn't have the anger in him to get annoyed with anyone, even me. We all know this, right Nepeta?" 

"U-uh..." You know what the real story behind this is. Tavros talked to you about kicking her out. CG gave him some advice, pepped him up and you just wanted him to be happy for once because you see how much Vriska picks on him. It never once crossed your mind that someone other than Vriska would use him to get some other job done. He was simply standing up for himself. Your initial response is to say you have no idea because Vriska scares you and you don't want to be apart of this anymore than just an innocent bystander. But the fact that he stood up to her and took the brunt of her rage gives you some courage. But throwing him under the bus doesn't seem like such a good idea, either. "I could talk to him for you? If you'd like... maybe get him to change his mind? If not, you know you're always welcome to roleplay with me, I guess?" No she isn't.

Vriska gives you a long, thoughtful stare before leaning back in her chair and sighing, obnoxiously. "You guys are making me soft." 

"If soft is a pile of thorns, then yes."

"Wood is softer than metal. It could be needles." Vriska smirks and Aradia looks down at her thermostat. This is so juicy. You cannot take it. 

Tavros texts you later apologizing for not being at lunch. Someone in the wood shop wanted some help and he was walking by and took them up on their offer because he'd rather be safe in there then have to face Vriska at lunch. You told him it was okay and that she took her anger out on Aradia but Aradia could handle it. He said he should apologize to her for that and you said she didn't need it but he did it anyway. You slump down in your chair in your math class and Karkat comes in almost late. He looks angrier than usual and you want to ask what is up but nervousness and sleepiness control you, so you don't say anything. Instead, you spend most of your time in class, doodling pictures of Aradia and Vriska on a hatedate and this is enough entertainment to keep you awake.

"Those are pretty good." 

Your head snaps up and Karkat is standing over you with his backpack slung over one shoulder. 

"Th... Uh..." 

"They kinda look like two girls who go to school here. Don't tell me you're drawing fanart of real people, holy shit."

"They're my friends!! Uhh..." 

"That is only slightly better than drawing complete strangers. I'm going to tell." 

You scrunch up your nose a little. The amount of sass you are getting right now is completely ridiculous. 

"Anyway, class is over, you know. Everyone's leaving except you. Are you alright?"

"I'm fine, just tired." You say gruffly as you close your notebook.

"Same. Late night?"

You shrug. "Roleplaying..."

He goes silent and you wonder why he's still standing there until you're walking out and he's right next to you. This is surreal and suddenly, all the training you did with your friend starts creeping up in the back of your mind and you are very much self-aware of your position at his side. Your throat goes sticky and dry. He doesn't say anything until the hallway splits and he has to go to another building for his next class. He tells you 'goodbye' and you nod at him and part ways and think of how strange a day it's been. You will definitely get more sleep tonight. 

 

**== > Be the sleepy boy.**

Everything fucking sucks. 

Everyone is unreasonably needy today. You are constantly being talked to at lunch when all you want to do is fall asleep for maybe 20 minutes, at most. Your teachers insist on calling on you even though you never moved to raise your hand. Not once. You would just like everyone to get off your ass for, like, two seconds but no. You are the most popular kid in school today and you hate everyone. 

You look like shit, too. A lack of more sleep than usual puts darker bags under your eyes, a dead look on your face, and a deep grimace on your mouth. The only thing that changes your angry demeanor today is the quiet girl in your math class. That's not fair, she's a girl with a name and feelings and that name is Nepeta, and the feelings look to be about the same as yours, right now. It's like looking into a god damn mirror and you don't like seeing someone else so upset and tired. 

In short, you know the feeling. 

Surprisingly enough, any sort of jab at small talk you fling in her direction, she counters with a short response and it really puts you off. Usually, though nervous, she'd talk a good amount, and with a certain level of cheerfulness. This isn't okay with you. 

But as she tells you, in short, that the reason she was up last night was also the same reason you were up last night, a small voice in your head tells you there is a serendipitous reason why you are compelled to give a fuck about this random girl. You shoo it away and walk with her out of the class and strangely enough you feel comfortable. 

It isn't until later, when you're getting home and flopping down on the couch for a nap, that that voice comes back to whisper fate into your ear and you go to sleep thinking what if your closest and oldest friend sat next to you in math.


	5. Chapter 5

**== >Be the girl covered in ink.**

You look down at your hands and stretch them, pop your knuckles, and lean back in your chair. You examine your work. This is a masterpiece, if you've ever seen one before. You really out did yourself! Time to scan and show CG and get his opinion on it before you bring it to school tomorrow to show the year book committee. Hopefully they like what you did with the mascot. Cats are your favorite and this mascot is one wild cat. 

After bouncing downstairs to scan your drawing and upload it onto your blog, you scurry back up to log into Pesterchum and show off. 

\-- arsenicCatnip [AC] began pestering carcinoGenetisist [CG] \--

AC: *ac creeps up slowly behind cg, her tail flicking back and forth as she stalks her prey.*  
CG: *CG IS COMPLETELY OBLIVIOUS TO THE HAPPENINGS BEHIND HIM AND HE CONTINUES TO DO HIS HOMEWORK WITHOUT ANY INTERRUPTIONS.*  
AC: *or so he thinks! ac kneads her claws into the soft dirt, grounding herself, preparing for the big leap!*  
CG: *CG BEGINS TO FEEL LIKE HE'S BEING WATCHED. IT GIVES HIM THE FUCKING CREEPS SO HE NERVOUSLY LOOKS OVER HIS SHOULDER JUST AS AC IS READYING TO SPRING AT HIS FACE WITH HER SHARP CLAWS FOR SOME GOD FORSAKEN REASON.*  
AC: surprise pounce!!!! x33  
CG: YEAH OKAY YOU GOT ME  
CG: I WILL PRETEND THAT IT WAS ACTUALLY A SURPRISE THIS TIME.  
AC: i will take that and be okay with it, even!  
AC: but cg guess what!!!  
AC: i finished my first picture for the year book today and its online if you want to s33 it :33  
CG: ON YOUR BLOG, RIGHT?  
AC: yes sir!  
CG: YO, THAT'S PRETTY GOOD. THEY'RE GOING TO LOVE IT.  
AC: is there anything i could pawssibly add to make it even more better?  
CG: NOT REALLY, ALTHOUGH ARE THEY GOING TO BE OKAY WITH HOW...  
CG: I DUNNO  
CG: HOW FEMININE IT LOOKS?  
CG: LIKE IT LOOKS LIKE A GIRL DREW IT AND I DON'T THINK YOU GO TO AN ALL GIRL'S SCHOOL, AC.  
AC: oh... yeah i guess you are right :((  
AC: i'll go and try to make it more androgynous!  
CG: NAH, LET THEM TELL YOU IF IT NEEDS CHANGING OR NOT. THE LAST THING I AM IS A FUCKING ARTIST.  
AC: yeah but you're opinions are always so great and fair!  
CG: WELL THANKS BUT STILL, IT'S UP TO THE YEAR BOOK PEOPLE SO DON'T DO MORE THAN YOU HAVE YOU. YOU'RE NOT EVEN GETTING PAID TO DO THIS.  
AC: i know but it's still purritty pawesome :33  
AC: meow meow  
CG: IT'S MORE THAN I CAN SAY FOR MYSELF. YOU MIGHT ACTUALLY MAKE IT BIG SOMEDAY, AC.  
CG: THEN I CAN BE LIKE, YEAH I SORT OF KNEW HER ON THE INTERNET.  
CG: WE ROLEPLAYED TOGETHER.  
CG: EXCEPT I'LL NEVER KNOW BECAUSE WE REFUSE TO TELL EACH OTHER OUR NAMES.  
CG: SO THAT'S A MOOT POINT, I GUESS.  
AC: i will purrobably tell you my name eventually  
AC: i don't see why it always has to be a secret!

But the thought of telling him your name scares you a lot so you try to change the subject to something else as quickly as possible. 

AC: uh but i think that it's safer this way fur now!!!  
CG: WHATEVER, MAN. I DON'T CARE EITHER WAY. IT'S NOT LIKE IT BOTHERS ME OR ANYTHING.  
AC: well that is good! it doesn't bother me, either.  
AC: omg did you see what ag posted just now?

You refreshed your browser and see a pretty nasty post from your friend Vriska. She is complaining about the roleplay and feeling left out. You have a moment of guilt because you had a hand in making someone feel bad but then you figure it's probably better this way. Another window pops up on your screen.

\-- adiosToreador [AT] began pestering arsenicCatnip [AC] \--

AT: i AM PRETTY FED UP, wITH HOW SHE IS ACTING  
AT: eXCUSE MY LANGUAGE, bUT SHE IS STARTING, tO PISS ME OFF,  
AC: oh noooo... i don't really blame you, tho  
AC: she can be really nasty!  
AC: especially to you  
AT: eXACTLY,  
AT eSPECIALLY TO ME, aND I DONT WANT TO DEAL WITH IT, ANYMORE,  
AT: aND i TRIED EXPLAINING THIS TO HER, bUT SHE, oF COURSE, WOULDNT LISTEN, sO i GAVE UP, aND DECIDED THAT JUST KICKING HER OUT WAS MY BEST, uH, bET  
AC: and look how that turned out...  
AC: hold on purrease  
AC: i am going to invite cg, i think he should be here fur some of this  
AT: oKAY,

\-- carcinoGenetisist [CG] joined the chat --

CG: OKAY, SO WHAT'S GOING ON  
AT: vRISKA IS STILL ANGRY, aND BASICALLY HARASSING ME ON THE INTERNET,,,  
CG: WAIT HER NAME'S VRISKA?  
AT: oH, sHIT  
AC: *ac facepalms, HARD*  
CG: THERE'S A VRISKA THAT GOES TO MY SCHOOL, I THINK?  
CG: I DON'T KNOW HER VERY WELL, SO  
AT: oH, wOW, tHAT IS QUITE THE COINCIDENCE,,,  
CG: YEAH REALLY, TELL ME ABOUT IT.  
AT: wELL, sHE GOES TO MY SCHOOL, aND SHE IS USUALLY A REALLY AWFUL PERSON, sO IF IT WAS THE SAME vRISKA, yOU WOULD KNOW  
AC: *ac nods vigorously* yeah she is very loud and she hisses and swipes at everyone. she is kind of a big deal...  
CG: YEAH I DON'T KNOW HALF THE FUCKING PEOPLE I SEE EVERY DAY, SO  
CG: BUT EITHER WAY, I CAN STILL IM HER AND TALK TO HER FOR YOU. IT'S NOT COOL OF HER TO PICK ON YOU WHEN NONE OF US WANTED HER IN THE RP  
AT: tHAT WOULD BE, wOW, rEALLY NICE OF YOU, cG  
AT: bUT, yOU DONT HAVE TO,,,  
AT: i CAN TRY TO ACTUALLY DEAL WITH THIS, fOR MYSELF, uH, fOR ONCE,,,  
CG: ARE YOU SURE ABOUT THAT? SHE CAN BE KIND OF HARD TO HANDLE.  
AT: oH, i AM MORE THAN SURE, mY FRIEND,,, iF ANYONE KNOWS HOW THAT GIRLS MIND WORKS, iT WOULD PROBABLY BE, mE,  
CG: WELL THEN YOU SHOULD USE THIS OPPORTUNITY TO BETTER YOURSELF. MAYBE PRACTICE SOME OF THAT FAKE CONFIDENCE YOU ALWAYS TALK ABOUT HAVING SOMEWHERE DEEP INSIDE OF YOURSELF.  
CG: AND THEN IF YOU CAN STAND UP TO HER, YOU COULD PROBABLY STAND UP TO ANYONE.  
AT: tHAT SOUNDS LIKE A REALLY SCARY BUT GOOD IDEA, i WILL PROBABLY, dEFINITELY THINK ABOUT IT,,,  
CG: THAT'S A GOOD FIRST STEP, THEN. AND IF SHE GIVES YOU ANY SHIT, JUST LET ME KNOW AND I WILL HAVE A FIRM TALKING WITH HER.  
CG: IF THERE IS ONE THING I CAN'T STAND, IT'S A GOD DAMN BULLY.  
AC: *ac is swooning over how cool and confident cg is being. and she bets if at was also just as cool and confident, he could get all the ladies as well!* :33  
CG: ASSUMING I GET ALL THE LADIES  
AC: you could if you tried! if other girls saw how smart and funny you were with us then they would totally fall fur your pursnickity charm  
AT: hAHA, i DONT KNOW ABOUT THAT, bUT THANKS, gUYS,,,

After what can only be described as a fun and uplifting night for yourself and your friends, you go to sleep with a smile on your face. Tomorrow you will show your drawing to the year book committee and they will take it and it will be published, forever a part of your high school career for everyone to see. Fame tastes good in your mouth. You could get used to this.

\---

Meeting with the committee is proving to be probably one of the scariest things you have ever been through. 

The head takes your flash drive, shoves it into the port on her laptop and waits for it to load. You had walked into the room thinking this was going to be so fun and easy but as soon as you saw the tired, sullen faces of your peers -- peers who would be judging the credibility of your work -- your blood ran cold and you grew very, very silent.

The picture loads and you gulp down a thick lump in your throat. 

"Is this the only one you have?" the girl finally asks. You blink and give a meek nod. "Hmm." She stares at it for a moment and then waves someone over. They both give it a good stare and the second girl asks you to draw more examples so they have more to choose from. 

Guess they didn't like it. You should've taken CG's advice.

Downtrodden but not completely defeated, you spend the rest of the day trying to come up with other designs. In English, you doodle a more manly cat. In Chemistry, you draw out a scary, evil cat. In math you draw a cat that is as realistic and badass looking as your talent allows. 

If you had been more aware, you would've noticed the one-man audience your frantic scribblings attracted.

If you had been paying attention the environment around you, you would've seen Karkat's wide eyes and the slack in his mouth as he stares in disbelief at the drawings on your desk. One of which, he had seen the night before.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am still having trouble with the coding... u_u
> 
> EDIT 12/19: NOT ANYMORE ;;;;)
> 
> \- ghosty

\-- adiosToreador [AT] began pestering arsenicCatnip [AC] \--

AT: i DONT KNOW IF YOU SAW THIS, bECAUSE YOU WERE KIND OF DISTRACTED AT LUNCH, lIKE MORE SO THAN WHAT IS CONSIDERED USUAL FOR YOU, bUT THERE WAS A PROBLEM,  
AC: wait really?   
AT: yEAH,  
AC: what happened? was i really right there? oh my gawsh, i am really sorry if i was so zoned out i just have a lot on my plate right meow  
AT: oH NO, iS EVERYTHING ALRIGHT,,,  
AC: yeah im just making some drawings for the yearbook and i really want them to like at least one of them but im not sure if that is pawssible or not :((  
AT: wELL, yOU DRAW WONDERFULLY, aND, i THINK YOU CAN GET THEM TO SEE THAT, aS WELL,  
AC: yes :33 thank you!  
AC: but anyway what is going on with you? what did i miss???  
AT: aH, yEAH  
AT: uHHHH,  
AT: i DONT REALLY KNOW, hOW TO EXPLAIN THIS, bUT AT LUNCH, tODAY,  
AT: vRISKA CONFRONTED ME AND IT WAS,,, nOT WHAT I EXPECTED?  
AT: i DONT KNOW  
AT: i GUESS WE ALL THOUGHT SHE WOULD WANT TO, kICK MY ASS, oR SOMETHING ALONG THOSE LINES, mAYBE EVEN JUST YELL AT ME, aND MAKE ME FEEL ALL AROUND SHITTY, pER USUAL,  
AC: well then what did she do :??  
AT: uH, sHE APOLOGIZED,  
AC: wait really  
AT: yEAH, sHE LOOKED ME RIGHT IN THE EYES AND ASKED IF WE COULD TALK ALONE, aND TEREZI WAS GOING TO STOP HER, bUT vRISKA SAID IT WAS OKAY, tHAT SHE LITERALLY JUST WANTED TO TALK, sO WE DID AND THAT WAS IT,  
AT: aND THEN I CAME BACK TO THE TABLE AND EVERYONE ASKED ME WHAT HAPPENED, bECAUSE vRISKA DIDNT COME BACK WITH ME, sO I TOLD THEM,  
AT: aND TEREZI IS MAD  
AC: why?  
AT: bECAUSE I ACCEPTED THE APOLOGY, aND SHE DOESNT THINK SHE DESERVES MY, fORGIVENESS,  
AT: wHICH I CAN UNDERSTAND, bUT  
AT: iD RATHER BE FRIENDS WITH HER  
AT: tHAN HAVE HER HATE ME  
AC: ooohhhh  
AT: sO I GUESS  
AT: iF ITS OKAY WITH EVERYONE ELSE, sHE CAN RP WITH US AGAIN,  
AT: sHE ASKED, sPECIFICALLY  
AT: i THINK SHE HAS LEARNED A VALUABLE LESSON ON BEING, nOT SO AWFUL, aND POSSIBLY A PLEASANT ADDITION TO OUR GROUP,  
AC: well if efurryone else is okay with this then so am i!  
AT: oKAY, cOOL, dO YOU WANT TO TELL CG, oR DO YOU WANT ME TO TELL HIM  
AC: ill tell him! ive been meaning to message him about the yearbook thing, anyway  
AC: i will talk to you later! bye tavros! :33  
AT: sEE YA }:)

You go to your Pesterchum window and open it up. Hmm. carcinoGeneticist is idle. He's probably out to eat with his family or something. You can wait. Until then, you figure more drawings couldn't hurt so you doodle more of the funky cats. If you were a normal girl, you probably would never draw another cat again. Luckily, you are Nepeta Leijon and that is not an issue for you. 

**== > Be the boy, petting his cat.**

Today has been strange for you. 

Sollux had been unusually nice towards you. Gamzee had come to school. When you had gotten home, Luca curled around your legs, purring happily and she never does that. So, you sat down in the hallway and let her crawl into your lap and enjoyed a moment of peace before the events of the day came crashing down on you.

The drawing on her desk...

There is absolutely no fucking way it was the same drawing. There is no way that it's the same person. 

Luca hops out of your lap and paws over to the kitchen, so you get up and follow her. After making a quick snack, you plop down at the kitchen table and slowly, mindlessly eat your food. Luca meows at your feet but you just nudge her away. Her bowl had food in it, she doesn't need to beg. The meowing won't stop and you lean over to look down at her. 

"Luca, you have your own food." She stares up at you and you scrunch up your nose a bit. She meows again when you go back to eating and you groan and push back your chair. She hops into your lap and you turn back to your plate.

You try to remember everything about the picture AC sent to you last night. It was cutesy. The drawings you saw on Nepeta's desk today weren't like that. One almost looked like it but you couldn't see the entire picture. You toy with the idea of asking her if she was drawing in her class. If she was making more cat drawings for the year book committee. If her name was Nepeta. Shaking your head, you bat Luca's paw away from the food as she tries to sneak a piece of shredded cheese. 

Appetite lost, you put away your dish and lay on the couch. Even just the thought of going to your computer scares you. Maybe you just won't do it, today. Maybe you'll just do your work and watch TV and that will be it and AC will just have to deal. She can talk with the rest of the group for the night. 

Still, the thought eats away at you and distracting yourself is just a ruse which only helps build your certainty. There needs to be more evidence before you can confidently assume that they are the same person. So far, the drawings are basically the same, your homework which you sometimes do together is considerably similar. There is also the fact that someone with a name like Vriska goes to your school and also knows the role players you speak with every day. That is three coincidences. Could there be more? Think about the conversations you've had with her. There has to be more connections if AC and Nepeta are actually the same girl.

Is this what you even want? Do you want them to be the same? And if so, who is the boy she is so desperately pining for?

Fuck.

If they are the same person, then hanging out can be more than just talking on the internet. She would be a lovely addition to the painfully horrible lunch table you sometimes have to deal with when you're not alone in the library. You could be an even more adequate confidente for her love troubles if you could gauge her expressions and body language and maybe even know who this kid is. Knowing how he is and maybe even being able to talk to him would make things so much easier for the both of you. 

She said he was in her math class and... and was he in any of her other classes? You think she had mentioned it but she only talks about the math class. Nepeta is in your math class. If this is the case, then who could this mystery crush be? Unfortunately, you don't know anyone in the class. That is a problem and this is where you decide you've had enough sleuthing for the day. Still, the thought of you going on the computer and facing her is scary and it makes your stomach hurt. You wonder if your relationship with AC would change if she ended up being the girl you sit next to in math. Probably not. You two get along so well considering you're a raging asshole and she's a timid weeaboo. Knowing you can still be both of those things but look each other in the eye shouldn't be any different. 

Yeah, you're just going to watch TV all night. 

At around midnight, your dad makes you go up to your room to sleep and you pick up Luca and trudge upstairs. Flopping down on your bed without changing out of your clothes, you fall right to sleep and dream about Nepeta being on the other side of your monitor. Instead of reading the words that come up onto your screen, you hear them instead. Her voice shows through the shitty cat puns AC always seems to use and you like it. You wake up in the morning in a better mood than you've felt in a while. 

**== > Wait for CG to get online**

Maybe something came up and he is too busy to get on pesterchum. That is what you tell yourself as you check your messages over and over throughout the night. Having no one to talk to other than Tavros is not something you are used to so you fidget at your desk and think of other things you could possibly be doing to keep yourself occupied. There is, after all, still a chance he could get on right before you go to sleep and then you can tell him about your day and ask about his and then somehow sneak in the idea of Vriska joining their roleplay again. 

He never gets on and you go to bed wondering if he's okay and wishing you had other ways to communicate with him. Tavros tells you he is probably, most definitely fine and you can tell you're worrying unnecessarily so you end up drawing pictures with Tavros over the internet until the two of you go to sleep. You're a little disappointed but you have things to show the year book committee and a rush of adrenaline keeps you up for most of the night. That being said, you wake up in probably the worst mood you've been in for quite some time.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> let's try this coding... ONCE MORE. If it continues to not work for me, I am going to just look for different coding or take it off every chapter. I don't want to do that because it's less aesthetically pleasing but I can't stand the inconsistency. If anyone knows anything about the coding here: http://vector.dreamwidth.org/70142.html
> 
> EDIT 12/19: ghosty, aka myself, coding extraordinaire, has fixed everything.

**== > Change places with Sollux in your first period class**

"Hey," you say awkwardly, shoving your hands deep into your pockets. Sollux doesn't look up from his phone but nods his head in acknowledgement. "I'm sick of squinting to see the board, can you switch with me?" You glance at him and he looks up with a befuddled look on his face.

"You're athking the kid with the glatheth... to thit in the very back... becauthe you can't thee?" 

You shrug and he sighs, gets up and moves to your old seat. You slip into your new desk and tap your foot, impatiently while you wait for the rest of the class to trickle in. Nepeta comes in, smiling at the teacher before stopping in front of her own desk to stare at you.

"Don't... Don't you sit... uh..."

"Couldn't see." Is all you can muster up. Her eyes are so wide and she looks so frazzled. You wonder if, and this is still completely hypothetical, you and her had been friends over the internet for as long as you've been friends with AC, she would be this shocked to see you sitting next to her. It's been a sort of mystery as to how you could have four classes with her and yet here you are, feeling nervous as fuck because... well, you're not sure why. Maybe it's because she's giving off a nervous vibe that's rubbing off on you. She shouldn't be nervous. You don't hate her. You don't think she's dumb or a waste of a human soul. She is pleasant and easy to talk to, for the most part. If only she'd relax a little.

Nepeta fidgets in her seat before glancing at you, again.

"Can you see better, now?" she says meekly. 

You nod. 

"Oh... Good." She settles more in her seat and you kick yourself for being so obviously off-putting. Friendships are hard. They're hard and no one understands. 

**== > Flip the fuck out, Nepeta.**

What is he doing in the seat next to you? The amount of startled you are feeling right now is so off the charts you can't even begin to compress it all into your tiny body. You hope he doesn't notice.

You steal a few glances at him throughout class. During these short glances, you take in his figure, memorizing every curve to his body, every hair on his head, the slouch in his back as he angrily scribbles on his paper. He is perfect. This will be quite the story to tell CG when you get home. He'll have a field day with this. He'll say, "AC, YOU KNOW THE REAL REASON HE SWITCHED SEATS. YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING IDIOT AS FAR AS I KNOW. BUT THEN AGAIN, HOW FAR DO I KNOW?" And you'll tell him that he is wrong and that he just needed a better seat and that makes sense. The year just started! He probably couldn't handle squinting anymore. Something dawns on you. You didn't know he had bad eye sight! You log this little tidbit away in your mind. 

As you put away your notebook and sling your backpack over your shoulder, you see Karkat move from the corner of your eye and when you look up, he's standing next to you with a sour look on his face. You swallow the lump in your throat and bow your head before heading out of the classroom. Talking with him was easy in math because he was already there but the change in seating today has thrown you off and you can't seem to act naturally around him.

Oh, surprise! he's walking next to you. 

Neither of you say anything and you have to will your breathing to stay even. It doesn't work. The next two classes go almost exactly like the first. He sits in his own seat but walks with you in the hallways. 

You spend the rest of the day in a state of shell shock. You feel like you're imaging it, but you could swear that he is trying to be friends with you. 

AC: furstly, how are you? :33  
AC: secondly, my crush!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
AC: it was the weirdest thing!  
AC: he sat next to me in two of the clawsses and then he walked with me in betw33n all of them!!  
AC: what do you think it means?  
AC: cg are you even there? youre not idle...  
AC: :((   
AC: well, when you are fr33, lemme know im going to go do some homework...  
AC: talk to you later and hope your day was great!

**== > Force your mind to work, you useless thing.**

You stare at your monitor while the words register in your mind. There is no doubt, your best and oldest internet friend is Nepeta. And on top of all that, the boy that she has been pining for, the one you have been trainer her to confess to and hopefully win over, is actually you. There is no other way it could be anyone else.

You are Karkat Vantas and you have no idea how to handle your life right now.

With shaking hands, you place your finger tips on your keyboard and type out your response very... slowly...

CG: SORRY. I WAS IN THE BATHROOM.  
CG: TELL ME WHAT EXACTLY HAPPENED.

It takes her a moment to reply, probably because she wasn't expecting you to respond and it is the longest moment you have ever experienced. 

AC: oh there you are! h33 h33!  
AC: yeah i dont know what it was about but in furst purriod, he switched seats with the kid who usually sits next to me. he said he couldnt s33 from the back of that class but i am clawing bs because he sits in the back in all of his other classes that we share!   
AC: i think he is trying to be furiends with me but i dont want to assume...  
AC: either way, it was really cute and i was so nervous the entire time!   
CG: I SEE.   
CG: SO, DID YOU TALK WITH HIM AT ALL?  
AC: uh  
AC: not really... i was so scared, cg! you have no idea!

You think you have a little bit of an idea...

CG: THEN YOU SHOULD PROBABLY TRY TALKING TO HIM. MAYBE HE'D BE OKAY WITH IT. IF HE'S SITTING NEXT TO YOU, HE PROBABLY DOESN'T THINK YOU SUCK HALF AS MUCH AS THE REST OF THE LOSERS AT YOUR SCHOOL.  
AC: h33 h33! how would you know what the kids at my school are like? x33

Jesus fucking Christ.

CG: I JUST ASSUME EVERYONE IS A FLAMING PILE OF SHIT, AC. YOU KNOW THIS.   
CG: BUT, UH, WHAT ARE YOU PLANNING ON DOING, NOW?  
AC: well...  
AC: i think i will purrobably just talk with him like i normally do in math... beclaws he's actually really easy to talk to and i cant believe i was so shy in the beginning...  
CG: I AM PLEASANTLY SURPRISED YOU SAID THAT.  
AC: you were going to suggest it, werent you? x33  
CG: BASICALLY.  
AC: h33 h33!  
CG: SO I GUESS YOU WON'T BE NEEDING MY HELP ANYMORE, CONSIDERING YOU HAVE IT ALL UNDER CONTROL.  
AC: oh no!!!! i still n33d your help!  
AC: what if i bone up and i cant think of anything or he thinks im stupid and i dont notice! what if i miss the signs!  
CG: WHAT SIGNS?  
AC: any signs! i cant screw this one up, cg! x((  
CG: *CG SIGHS REALLY FUCKING HEAVILY*  
CG: ALRIGHT, I'LL HELP AS MUCH AS I CAN BUT YOU HAVE TO PUT IN A LOT MORE EFFORT THAN YOU USUALLY DO OR I'M CLOCKING OUT, YOU GOT ME?  
AC: yaaaaaay!!!! thank you soooo much, cg!!!! x33  
CG: YEAH, WHATEVER...

Well, this is quite the predicament you've gotten yourself into.

The conversation ends with you promising to give her as much advice as humanly possible and her promising to report everything back to you. This can only end in disaster. 

**== >Try to act natural.**

The next day goes a little like the first. You try to talk to him, you really do - but it's hard and you don't have the confidence you wish you had. Instead, you sneak glances when your head is bent over, as you scribble notes on your paper. His posture is slouched, per usual and the same disgruntled look is plastered on his face, as normal. He has absolutely no idea what his presence does to you. Keeping it that was is for the best, you think. If he knew what you thought of him, how you hold him up on this unrealistic pedestal, he would call you a freak and avoid you. The thought of that hurts more than anything else. You are so very content with admiring from afar. But that is getting hard to do considering he's physically closer to you now and you're not sure why. Maybe it is a challenge. You must overcome your fear and self-consciousness so that you can at least ignore him long enough to get your work done. Glancing at towards him every time you see him move from the corner of your eye is not conducive to your education or your coping process. That is what CG would tell you, or any sensible person, actually. 

Yes, starting today you will work towards being a normal human being and no some foaming-at-the-mouth fangirl. You nod with confidence and self worth and pay more attention in your first class than you have done all year. The willpower fades as he day goes on and by math, you are doodling on your notes, again. This time, it's of the Disciple and she is thinking about having children and fuck, he's looking over at you.

"Hm?" You mew and his eyes snap from your paper to your face, wide and full. That moment could have lasted forever and you'd be okay with it. 

"Uh... nice, uhm. Nice drawing," he whispers, clearing his throat a bit. You lower your face to hide behind your hair. You could feel the heat rising to your cheeks and that would be embarrassing.

Muttering a thank you, you continue drawing. He watches for the rest of the class and you feel like the nervousness is making your drawings look crappier than usual. You bet he notices. He has to notice. You wish you could talk to CG right now because he is good at anchoring you and that is what you need right now. What advice would he give in this situation. Probably to just relax and ignore him. That is completely unreasonable. You focus on drawing, instead to calm yourself and it helps a little. That is, until the bell rings and you get up.

"Hey, um..." he says and you stop and turn immediately. "Yeah, if you don't have anyone to sit with during lunch or whatever, you could always sit with me and Sollux. Just, you know, in case your friends turn into giant assholes and ditch you or whatever..." He looks down and your heart swells with how happy this makes you. 

"Ah, okay!" you laugh, nervously and add a quick thank you before running off. Your breathing had gotten quicker and your face was probably beat red by the time you turned away from him. You go into the bathroom to calm down a bit but his voice keeps replaying in your head and you get giddy all over again. This is definitely something to tell CG. You cannot wait to get home and report the great news!

**== >Beat yourself up for being so fucking stupid.**

In the history of cool things people have said to one another, inviting Nepeta to sit with you if her friends ever turn into assholes was probably not top 5 on the list. 

"...And the cable didn't fit into hith computer tho he got on my cathe about it, ath if it wath my fault that he got the wrong fucking one. Tho I thpent the entire night trying to convinthe him to go back to the thtore and get the right thize... KK, are you lithtening?"

"Do I fucking look like I am listening to your mindless drabble, Sollux? Do any of us look like we're listening?" you snap. There is a long pause as Feferi tries to mediate but chooses to stay silent, instead.

"Okay, what the fuck ith your deal today? You are being more grumpy than uthual."

"I am acting the same as I do every day, asshat. What do you want from me?" 

Sollux gives you a long look before sighing and returning to his story. At least there were other people at your table today so you didn't have to force yourself to listen and play nice. You are too busy trying to think of different ways you could've gone about that conversation with Nepeta. This shouldn't be as hard as it is. You're usually good at these kinds of situations. Why is it that when you're involved it gets so much harder to figure out? 

There is a lot of pressure on you. On one hand, you must keep up this charade of oblivious, faceless internet friend. On the other hand, you are not only her friend, but also the guy she likes and you don't know what to do. Should you tell her? No, that would be awkward for you and her and it would probably embarrass her and she'll never speak with you again. You wouldn't blame her, of course. You wouldn't want to speak to you ever again, either. But you'd rather her not never speak to you again. That would hurt a lot. You do appreciate her as a friend and a person. Hurting her is the last thing on your mind. Keeping this double life up is tricky, though. There are things you can't say to her. Slipping up and calling her by her name would be bad. Mentioning the RP would be just as bad. Saying anything to her that eludes to you knowing more about her than she thinks you know would give you away. You are on thin ice, buster. 

And if she finds out herself... that you've known this entire time... Well, then you've definitely lost someone important.

And what if she confesses to you? How are you supposed to react? "Oh, yeah I knew but I just didn't say anything because I didn't want to embarrass you because shit, it really is embarrassing isn't it? Oh, please don't cry." Yeah, you fucking chump. What a lady killer. 

You look at Sollux who is explaining something with great vigor and silently wish you could just switch lives with him. He's got is easy. He just lives alone with his dad and they talk about machines and he plays video games all day and doesn't give a shit about anyone else. That's your problem. You give too much of a shit about everyone around you and you end up treating yourself the worst. But you can handle it, at least. You don't think many other people can so you have to take on this burden.

As you glance away from your friend, you see Nepeta walking back to her table with Terezi and Vriska. You watch as she sits down with Tavros and Aradia. She sits so daintily, with her legs tucked under her, one hand in her lap, while the other spoons food into her mouth. She is small in comparison to her friends and quieter and trapped in her own little world. You imagine her talking with you on her computer and get embarrassed and turn away. There is no reason to go down that road, right now. You need to straighten out your game plan, whatever it entails. You're still working out the kinks. But you can hear her laugh from across the courtyard and you look up again in time to see her doubled over with a hand on Tavros' shirt. So that's what it sounds like when she laughs. You think it's a really cute noise and you allow a small smile to show on your face before relinquishing it before anyone notices.

You are in grave danger of being in the same predicament that she is. You just don't realize it, yet.


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> if any of you were wondering why karkat's cat is named luca... [click this.](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7Z0wV2xsx1o)

**== > Nepeta, dream.**

The green of the forest blurs by as you sprint through the brush. This is when you feel most alive, you think. With the dirt under your bare feet and the leaves brushing against your cheeks and the wind tangling your hair, you skid down a small hill and land on you prey, instantly tearing through flesh as its life slips from its eyes. Victory and dinner. You drag the animal back to your camp and strip it of its skin before building a small fire. The life you lead is a quiet, lonely life but that is okay. You are okay with it.

Finishing your meal in peace, you lick your hands and nails clean and curl up on a pelt at the mouth of your cave. The stars are luminous and sparkling. They dance with the sounds of nature and it almost lulls you to sleep. The sound of a twig snapping brings you to attention and you scan the area with focused, sturdy eyes. There is someone hiding behind the trees. You can just make out their figure. Growling at them to show themselves before you attack, they appear before you and you jump back, startled.

“Leave me alone,” says the figure and its face begins to morph into a buck. You swipe at it and the face changes again. Blood runs cold as the face twists into Karkat’s, the expression changing rapidly like a tuning television. Screaming, you lurch back but he is still just as close and no matter how far you retreat, he is always in front of you. His scowl deepens and you wake up in a cold sweat.

Your mouth is dry and sticky and the feeling from the dream won’t let you fall back asleep just yet so you trudge to your kitchen and get a glass of water.

What the hell did that dream even mean? This will probably bother you all day. Talking to CG would be so nice right now but it’s almost 4 in the morning and he’s definitely not awake. You sigh and lay back in bed and try to ignore the images of Karkat that flash across your vision.

You don’t end up sleeping, not deeply at least. Getting ready for school turns out to be less than helpful to your mood as the thought that you shouldn’t get too comfortable with your friendship with Karkat nips at the back of your mind. Of course he’s just a nice guy. Of course his behavior is merely coincidence. You are a silly little girl with false hopes and a weak, boring personality.

At school, you ignore, unintentionally, most of the people who attempt to talk with you. All but Terezi leave you alone and at lunch she extends a helpful hand and asks how you’re doing.

“What? Oh… I’m alright. Why do you ask?”

“Well for one thing, you haven’t said much of anything today. You completely ignored Tavros when he was trying to tell you something and you mashed your sandwich into some sort of, uh…” She touches the mess of a sandwich and the indent stays in the mushed bread. You move the plate away from he both of you and sigh. Terezi gives you a long stare before leaning back a little. “Do you want to talk about it?”

The words are out of your mouth before you can stop them. “Do you know anything about dreams?”

“Uh, like analyzing them?” You nod and Terezi puts a hand to her chin. “I do know a little. It’s not really hard to connect dream symbols with real life events or anxieties… Why, did you have a bad dream or something?” You nod again. “Wanna tell me about it? I can at least try to give you some feedback.”

You fidget with your fingers before taking a small breath. “At the beginning, the dream was really great. I was hunting in the woods. I am pretty sure I was The Disciple. I love those kinds of dreams.” Terezi nodded in agreement. “And I remember looking up at the stars but they kept changing and that’s when I heard someone coming towards me and I felt really on edge. I attacked the thing but it’s head kept changing until it turned into… uh…” You trail off. No one else knew about your crush except CG and he didn’t even know Karkat’s name.

“Well? What did the head look like? That’s probably the root to why you had such a bad dream…”

“Y-yeah.. I figured that much…” You lower your head and will your heart to slow its pace. Telling Terezi who it was meant telling her about who you liked and then that would lead into why he would want you to leave him alone. The answer is obvious, you are terrified of screwing up the weak friendship you already have and it’s haunting your subconscious. Shaking your head, you turn towards her and give her the most reassuring smile possible. “It’s not really that big of a deal, but thank you… I think I know what my own head is trying tell me.”

In math, you stare at Karkat’s empty desk and thank whatever ruling deity that he isn’t here today. Facing him would have been awful. You’re glad you don’t have to do it. The teacher assigns more homework than usual. The first test is coming up in a few days and, jeez, you’re going to have to tell Karkat about this. Of course he’d miss an important day. You don’t have any way of getting in contact with him outside of school which is an issue. You spend the rest of the class period trying to weed out who he would be close with. You are basically his biggest fan, you should know this.

No one comes to mind until you bump into Sollux on your way to your bike. You literally bump into him and he catches your arm before you could fall back.

“Whoa, watch out before you fall into thomeone elthe.”

“Oh, uh… Sorry.” That is when the idea hits you and you grab his arm as he walks passed you. “Wait! I need to ask you something, really quickly!” He stops and gives you a quizzical look. “You’re close with Karkat, right?”

“Clothe is thtretching it, but yeah. Why?”

“Okay, perfect… Can you, uh… hold on.” You frantically get out your planner and pull out a small piece of paper and hand it to him. “This is for our math class… And, uh, we are having a test in like, two days so I figured he’d want the study assignments since he wasn’t here..today…” Sollux takes the paper and looks at it for a moment before looking back at you.

“You don’t have hith number or chumhandle? Thought you guyth were friendth…”

“No, I don’t! Uh, we aren’t super close or anything… just have a few classes together, hee hee…” Sollux ponders you for another moment before agreeing to giving him the assignment pages and you thank him and apologize to him for being such an inconvenience and he says it’s not a problem and you part ways. The deed was done. You could go for a nap.

**== > Blow your nose and grimace at the mess in your tissue.**

This came out of nowhere. You started feeling it last night right before bed but you figured you would sleep it off. But nothing really seems to go your way, does it? You had spent your entire day asleep or coughing up a lung.

Luca meowed from the door and you groan, sitting up to tell her to go away. You could hardly sit up, let alone walk to the kitchen to feed her. Your dad was going to be home soon and he can do it. The only thing you need to worry about it getting better. Just then, as you were closing your eyes for another well-needed nap, your phone rings at you and you grimace again, slapping it off of the bed.

“Fuck it.” It goes off again. If it rings one more time, you swear to God— it rings once more and you reach for it, fumbling with your fingers. Unlocking your phone, you see two texts from Sollux.

TA: yo kk, got a liittle 2omething for you 2o hurry up and an2wer. ii got 2hiit two do  
TA: iit ha2 two do wiith your cla22 work and al2o that weiird giirl you 2tarted talkiing two

You rub your forehead with your free hand and flop down on your back, hitting the reply button.

CG: I DON’T KNOW WHO YOU ARE TALKING ABOUT BUT GIVE ME THE SHIT I MISSED TODAY.

You lay your arm across your eyes and doze off while you wait for Sollux to reply. The text tone startles you. “God, dammit…”

TA: dont play coy wiith me, kk we all know who iim talkiing about. the furry chiick. 2he gave me a lii2t of math work you have two do. 2h3 2ay2 there2 a te2t iin that cla22 iin two day2.

You groan again and cough a little. Of course you’d miss something important. At least someone had your back.

CG: WELL, THANKS I GUESS. OR TELL HER THAT IF I STILL CAN’T MAKE IT TO SCHOOL TOMORROW.  
TA: tell her your2elf, you lazy a22hole. iim not your fuckiing 2ervant.  
CG: EXCUSE FUCKING ME. THEN WHY EVEN GIVE ME THE ASSIGNMENT?  
TA: becau2se np a2ked me two and 2he wa2 2o niice about iit. that’2 al2o why you 2hould tell her your2elf, you guy2 are friiend2, aren’t you?  
CG: I GUESS… STILL THOUGH, FUCK YOU FOR ALWAYS GIVING ME A HARD TIME.  
TA: love you two, kk. get 2ome 2leep.  
TA: al2o, here are the actual page number2…

Sollux stops replying and you kill time by petting Luca, who starts swatting at your hand after a while, then watching some TV before your dad brings in soup. Luca sniffs it but settles down, instead. The thought hits you while an Oxyclean commercial blares on your television set. Nepeta could’ve asked Sollux for your chumhandle. He would’ve given it to her like it was nothing and that would be the end of that. She would see that you are carcinoGeneticist and she would figure it out instantly and you would be dead. She would hate you. She would be terrified of you. You would lose one of your oldest friends before even getting to really know her. The thought nukes your appetite and you put the bowl on your night stand. No reason to make yourself any more sick than you already are. Luca meows at you and you push her off the bed. The last thing you need right now is to be reminded of cats.

Fortunately, you are able to get some of the work done before passing out on your text book and waking up in the middle of the night to a back ache and a heaving cough. Your dad tells you that you can stay home another day if you want, but it’s too close to that test and you will need all the help you can get. You stuff your pockets full of cough drops and head to school. For once, you will try to make the best of it.

**== >Muster up the courage and say ‘hi’ to Karkat.**

You muster up the courage and say ‘hi’ to Karkat in first period. He nods at you and coughs into his arm sleeve. He was still sick but came to school, anyway. You feel a massive urge to scold him and send him home but you suppress it and sit down, instead.

Sollux comes in shortly after and pats your head as he walks by. “Have you thanked your little thavior yet, kk?” He mocks, then dodges a flying cough drop. Karkat scowls deeply.

“I have a whole pocket full of these, Sollux. I don’t need all of them.” Sollux laughs his threat off and walks to the back of the class. What did he mean, thank your savior? You look at Karkat with a quizzical gaze and he blinks at you before turning his head away.

“Yeah, uh…” He coughs again and it sounds painful. “Thanks for the homework…” Oh, that’s what he meant! You brighten up, automatically.

“It’s really no big deal! I figured it would be bad for you not to know, like the rest of the class… so I just thought maybe it would make things easier for you if you weren’t completely behind everyone else…” You trail off and slink a little in your seat. It’s hard keeping up friendly, stress-free banter when he’s looking at you with his eyes. You really do find them quite beautiful.

**== > Be the sickly, shell-shocked boy.**

Obviously, it was really cool of her to get that assignment to him, but hearing her say it brings a whole new meaning to the situation. You can see the emotion on her face and it’s almost moving to you. Almost. Even how she crouches in her seat makes your chest stir with a feeling you’re not used to feeling while in the sterile walls of your high school. It’s the same feelings you get when AC is being particularly passionate about something and that connection swells inside of you. She is a really great person. You want to make her happy.

“Yeah, well… thanks. Seriously.” You say and your cheeks burn. It’s probably just the fever that’s doing it. Definitely not the emotions you’re trying to push back down.

She beams at you and it is really, truly cute. Your stomach lurches. You should’ve stayed home.

**== >You have to tell someone, stat.**

CG is not at school with you. You don’t have his cell phone number. There is no way you can wait until you get home to tell someone that Karkat thanked you and his cheeks were a cute pink and he sincerely looked happy that you helped him out so much! This day is fantastic. You absolutely must tell someone.

The first person you bump into at lunch is unfortunately Vriska. You don’t think telling her would be a good idea. She might tell someone else… or laugh at you. Moving on, you scope the courtyard for your other friends. Aradia shows up next but Vriska cuts you off. If it weren’t for how anxious you are to get this information to someone, you’d flip over this rare exchange of banter. The sexual tension is so palpable. You’re the only one who sees it, but you’re also the only one with such strong shipping powers. No one understands, they’ll never understand.

Tavros walks over to you and asks where you’re sitting and you tell him you haven’t picked a place but suggest somewhere off to the side for a moment. You have important news. Tavros is nice and caring and will humor you even if he doesn’t fully understand what you’re saying.

“Wait, slow down a little, Nep… You like Karkat? Karkat Vantas?” He asks, holding up a hand to cut you off.

“Uhm, yes? I have for a while… And we have been getting closer, recently and I just hope I’m not imagining things!”

“I mean, I wouldn’t know, so…”

“I know, I just had to tell someone! I couldn’t wait until tonight to tell CG.”

“Oh, yeah. He would definitely, uh, like to hear this news. And would probably have a more enthusiastic reaction, than I am having… right now.”

You slump. This didn’t feel as rewarding as you thought it would be. “Yeah, I know… Well, thanks for hearing me out, anyway.” He smiles and you finish your lunches together.

**== > Argue with Sollux over things that are none of his concern.**

“You have absolutely no idea what you are talking about.” Yes he does.

“I’m pretty thure the look on her fathe ath she tellth you how much she was looking out for you ith enough of a fucking clue that she’th totally into you.” He is right. “For thome reathon.”

“I think you’re reading too much into this. If someone else was in the same fucking class and they knew me, they’d do the same thing.”

“Exthept you’re a huge athhole and no one would care.” You glower at him and he sighs. “Fathe it, KK. She digth you. Like a goddamn garden.” He would shit on you so hard if he knew how right he was. You are not going to give him that satisfaction.

“You’re fucking crazy and I hate you.”

“Well, none of that changeth the fact that crathy cat girl over there thinkth you’re the beeth fucking kneeth.”

“She’s not a crazy cat girl, she’s a normal girl with eccentric hobbies.”

“She thtill roleplayth and wearth cat earth on the weekendth.”

“You talk with a lisp and are a huge piece of shit but I still give you the time of fucking day. And I’m a raging douche snake and she still thinks enough of me to help me out in math. We are all in the same goddamn boat.”

“Yeah, exthept I don’t draw pictureth of you with hearth and shit around you in firtht period.” Touche… Wait. Has he seen them? How many other people had seen these drawings? God damn, that girl is oblivious. If she knew that her beloved CG knew that she was fucking up, she would be mortified.

“Ugh…Okay, maybe she does think more highly of me than other people do…”

“That’th a thtep in the right direction.”

“And, maybe I might have figured it out recently that she liked me more than most everyone else…”

“Tho…” He sits down next to you and you look away.

“So, nothing. That is the end of that train of thought in my head.”

“Really? You’re not going to give her a chanthe? Jethuth, KK. I knew you were a prude but I didn’t take you for that much of a thtick in the mud.” You shove him away and scowl at him.

“I’m not obligated to give anyone the time of fucking day unless I want to,” you bite.

“Do you want to?”

You don’t answer him.

**== > Plop happily into your seat.**

You settle into the desk of your last class with Karkat. He shows you how much of the assignment he had gotten done and tells you about how he would’ve had more done if he hadn’t fallen asleep. You giggle and he tells you to stop but you don’t.

“Don’t worry, you got more done than I did…” you admit and he rolls his eyes.

“Maybe you should be the one asking me for help.”

The teacher interrupts the class’ banter to announce extra credit. The two of you give each other a glance, one reading excitement and the joy of a lucky break while the other looked just because he wanted to and it felt natural. The assignment can be done with a buddy and obviously who will you choose?

“We can work on it after school if you’re not busy, ” you suggest.

“I dunno… it’s not due for another week and I should finish this study guide for the actual test…”

“Oh. Yeah, that’s true.” You look as dejected as you feel and he must realize it because he immediately suggests studying together instead and your heart swells with happiness. You would like nothing more than to getting to spend more time with him. You decide to meet in the library after school ends and work there. He gives you a parting fist bump before leaving and you have a smile on your face for the rest of the day.

He is sitting at a table alone before you. He’s probably already starting. You hide a bit and watch him work before realizing you don’t have to admire from afar, anymore. You can admire him close up.

“Sorry if I kept you waiting…” you say, trotting up to the table. He doesn’t look up from his calculator.

“S’fine. I just got here, anyway. So. What do you want to start with?”

You sit down and open your text book. It all looks like a different language to you. “Uh, the beginning?” you say, sheepishly and he chuckles, shaking his head. What a wonderful sound.

The studying goes smoothly. You are hardly nervous and talking with him has become incredibly easy. The jokes flow naturally as you tease him for his grumpiness.

Sollux is picking him up after he gets out of robotics club so you wait with Karkat at the school entrance. You plop down on the sidewalk and pick at a weed that’s growing through a crack. This was a really great day. You feel good about everything.

“Where the hell is he? He’s always fucking late,” Karkat hisses under his breath but you hear it anyway and laugh. “Thinks he’s hot shit because his dad got him that piece of shit car.”

“That piece of shit car is taking you home, I’d be more nice to him if I were you, Karkitty!” He glares down at you but it’s softer than normal and your Karkat-honing eyes don’t miss the micro-expression.

“Yeah, whatever… and stop calling me Karkitty. It’s weird.”

“I will do no such thing. I think it’s cute and I like it and you will, too!” You can’t believe you have the balls to say that and by the looks of his expression, he can’t either.

“It is not and it will stop being a thing you call me. Forever.”

“Nope!”

“Yes.”

“No!”

“Yes.”

“Noooooo!”

“Nepeta.”

“Karkitty.” He throws his hands up in the air with exasperation and you laugh again.

Sollux pulls up shortly and Karkat shoves his hands into his pockets and gets into the driver’s seat. “Are you sure you don’t want a lift? Sollux won’t mind.”

“Excuthe you, KK…”

“No, I’m okay! I rode my bike, so…” you say with some remorse. Spending more time with Karkat is what you really want to do. Fortunately, the prospects of telling all of this to CG pushes your feet to pedal faster.

**== > Karkat. Get interrogated.**

“Tho…”

“Tho, what?”

“How wath it?”

“Great mom, not shut up and focus on the road, you raving lunatic.”

“Jeeth, KK. You’re a lot more defenthive than uthual.”

“Whatever.” You bump your forehead against the window and stare out at the passing houses. There’s a long silence and you risk a short glance at Sollux who has the most shit-eating grin you have ever seen. You seethe. “What?!”

“Nothing, I didn’t thay anything.”

“Yeah, well, keep it that way.”

**== > Report to CG**

\-- arsenicCatnip [AC] began pestering carcinoGeneticist [CG] \--

AC: *ac peels around the corner, jumping onto the idle cg* i have something so amazing to tell you cg  
AC: hurry up and be unidle so i can tell you!  
AC: its so great youre going to be so purroud of me!  
AC: ah, my mom just said were going out to eat so i cant wait for you to get here and i n33d to tell you while the memories are still fresh!  
AC: cg, not only did i get to talk to him today, but i got to spend alone time with him!  
AC: we worked togefur on our math and i learned a lot about him and i think we are a lot closer now and it f33ls really great!  
AC: like i learned that he prefurrs to wear grey beclaws its neutral but his favorite color is red.  
AC: i told him that gr33n was better and he got mad at me h33h33!  
AC: and i found out he lives with his dad and that his mom left him when he was very little :(( but his dad is really great and he is okay with how his life turned out.  
AC: his birthday is in the summer but he doesnt like making a big deal out of it. he says that its unnecessary but i think he just gets embarrassed!  
AC: but you purrobably dont care about that stuff!  
AC: either way, hes even cooler than i thought he was and that is great!  
AC: am just really, purrfectly happy right now. i hope your day is going just as well as mine!  
AC: ill talk with you when i get back!  
AC: *ac prances away, swishing her tail*


	9. Chapter 9

**== > Stare at your monitor and force the rusting gears in your head to turn.**

You should probably also reply. You're both online right now. Keep up the act. 

CG: I HAVE TO ADMIT, AC.  
CG: I AM PLEASANTLY SURPRISED YOU'RE NOT FUCKING THIS UP WITH YOUR SPASTIC SHYNESS OR WEIRD INTERESTS.   
CG: YOU MIGHT ACTUALLY WIN HIM OVER.

Your fingers freeze as you weigh in what you just wrote. Is she winning you over? You certainly think better of her than you did at the beginning of the school year and that is saying something. You went from not even noticing her to thinking about her quite a lot. Part of that is definitely from the fact that you've technically known her for years, but the other part...

Well...

AC: omigosh do you think so?! x33  
AC: i am still purrity skeptical about what he thinks about me but at least i know for a fact he doesn't completely hate me! 

Of course you don't, is she dumb?

CG: WELL FROM WHAT YOU'VE TOLD ME, THINGS ARE LOOKING UP FOR YOU.  
CG: FOR ONCE.  
AC: i suppose  
CG: I THINK YOU SHOULD BE A LITTLE MORE OPTIMISTIC THAN THIS, AC  
AC: i guuuuuessss  
CG: JESUS CHRIST.  
AC: h33h33! i am just pulling your leg, i am purrity optimistic about our friendship! he is so easy to talk to! i don't know why i was so afuraid of him before. talking to him is almost like talking with you, cg! not that he's better than you as a friend or anything but now that i know him a little better, i f33l more at ease when i talk to him, like when i talk with you!  
CG: WELL THAT'S GOOD. AT LEAST YOU'LL BE FINE IF YOU EVER ACTUALLY GET TO A DATING BASIS WITH HIM.  
AC: aaaaaahhhhh!!! it's much too soon to be thinking about that!!!! x((  
CG: ALRIGHT, CALM DOWN JESUS.   
CG: EITHER WAY, YOU'RE DOING BETTER THAN I EVER THOUGHT YOU WOULD SO THAT'S SOMETHING.  
CG: JUST DON'T FUCK IT UP.  
CG: HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO HELP YOU IF YOU FUCK IT UP, AC TELL ME THAT.  
AC: you can't... :((  
CG: EXACTLY.   
CG: NO PRESSURE.  
CG: JUST DON'T FUCK UP. 

As if she could. 

In two days time, you find yourself sitting next to Nepeta in first period as nonchalantly as if you had been doing this for years. She greets you with a broad smile and you ask if she's ready for the math test. The smile flops instantly and she puts her head down with a dramatic moan.

"Are you fu... You're going to do fine. You did all of the practice problems. You said you were feeling confident about it yesterday." You say, utterly tired of her bullshit. She peeks up at you with one eye and bumps her forehead on the desk. "Whatever." You turn towards the front of the class and every so often, flick little pieces of rolled up paper at her. 

The test is easy enough. You're not the first one finished, but you're definitely not the last. Nepeta finishes a few minutes before you and you give her a thumbs up as she walks back to her seat from putting her test on the teacher's desk. She looks relieved and a very subtle smile spreads across your face. Not so much that she isn't stressed out anymore, but because you both were so worried and you helped each other out and friendship is a beautiful disease. It's definitely not because you were genuinely worried for her or anything.

Not at all.

**== > Check your email because it's been a while!**

After sifting through ads and spam and pointless forwardings from your grandparents, you find a message from the Year Book Committee. If you had a fluffy cat tail, it would be flicking with anxiety right now. Your hands begin to sweat as you read through the message. 

You open your mouth with a silent scream and rush down stairs to tell your mother. She is elated. You feel like you are on Cloud Nine and everything is wonderful.

**== > Fight back the heat.**

Nepeta finds you in the library the next morning before the first bell. Her smile about rips her face in two. She says nothing when you ask what she needs. She only grabs your hand and pulls you out of your seat before leading you out of the building in a brisk walk. You object and pull back but you can't seem to muster up enough strength you actually pull out of her grasp. 

She leads you to another building, one that has most of the English classes in it and whips around a corner. There, staring you both in the face, is a large poster of a fierce cat. "Buy Your Year Book, Today!" is printed in bold red and at the bottom, "Nepeta Leijon" is neatly signed. They finally chose one of her designs and now it will be everywhere until the end of the year. It looks good. It looks more than good. You glance at her and she is beaming up at her creation. The epitome of proud. It warms your heart and you wish you had something like this to experience for yourself but seeing her light up is enough to get the feeling through you. 

"I'm really happy for you." You finally muster up the words to say. She lets out a breathy laugh and tightens the grip on your hand. You tighten your grip in return and look back up at the poster. 

**== > Promise to never wash this hand ever again.**

You stare down at it during lunch, missing whatever it is Vriska is talking about. You are much too busy thinking about the feel of his warm palm against yours, the firm grip he held and the flutter of your heart that hasn't quite gone away yet. 

This must be what moe feels like.

Vriska slams her hand on the table in front of you and you jolt at the sudden movement. What had you missed? 

"Earth to moron, come in moron!"

"Vriska... That isn't, uh..." 

"I don't care what it, uh, is, Nitram. I was congratulating her for the poster and she was completely ignoring me." She turns back to you. "Rude." 

You peer up at her, clutching your hand. "Sorry... I was thinking about something else." 

"Yeah, no shit."

"Uh, but what Vriska means is that your poster looks really great! And we're all really proud of you..." Tavros says, stunting Vriska's anger. 

Aradia and Terezi join shortly after with their trays and congratulate you and it's all very nice. You could not be happier. 

From across the lunch room, eyes find you and you may be imagining when you look to the side and catch them in your view, but they hold your gaze for a moment before flitting away. Your face blazes up instantly and your struck dumb for the rest of the lunch period. 

**== > Look away.**

You didn't mean to find her. You didn't mean to let your stare linger until her eyes snatched yours and you were forced to peel them away. Now you are left silent and a little shaken. You ignore Sollux when he speaks to you but he knows you enough to realize that you don't have anything nice to say, so you're not saying anything at all. What it actually means is that you are afraid of your own voice and you don't want anything unnecessary slipping out. Speaking of which, the bell rings and you have math with her in ten minutes. A cold chill runs down your back as you slump slowly to your next class. 

**== > Be Nepeta**

You are Nepeta again and you are still fighting back the excitement of today's events. You are unable to stifle the huge grin that graces your face when you see Karkat walk into math and sit next to you. He glances at you for a moment then looks away just as quickly and you're not sure why but it's very adorable. He's very adorable. 

As soon as you make it home, you book it upstairs and flop down in front of your computer. There is a lot of things you have to tell CG and you're not sure where you want to begin. Things are really looking up for you. This isn't something you could've predicted happening, ever. First, you became friends with your crush, now you're being published in the year book! You should get your artsy fingers into more school organizations now. Who knows what kind of portfolio you'll have by the end of your high school career! That has to mean something! 

You open up pesterchum and hum along to whatever upbeat song is playing on shuffle. What a fantastic feeling this is! 

\-- arsenicCatnip [AC] began pestering carcinoGeneticist [CG] \--

AC: cg the year book finally picked a design and they printed out posters and fliers and i am basically famouse right now!!!  
AC: cg are you even there?   
AC: well, just lemme know when you're fr33 and i'll tell you the d33ts! also, i have a really great moment with 'you know who' and i absolutely n33d you to hear about it!!

You sigh and browse the internet for a bit before you get bored and go down stairs. CG never replies, but that's okay. He is probably very busy.

**== > Be probably very busy.**

You aren't. Sollux and Gamzee invited themselves over and you have been forced to entertain these two idiots for the afternoon. They ask for snacks which you are obliged to get for them and they attempt to do homework but nothing gets done. Pillows are thrown instead and there is a lot of fucking around. You have things to do -- alone! And this is not conducive to you getting shit done. 

"That shit ith fucking broken ath fuck!" Sollux yells after Gamzee had commented on liking a certain game whose name you hadn't caught. "It'th jutht another verthion of every other game like it and if you wathte your time and money on that you detherve what you get." You set down some sodas and plop down on the couch next to Gamzee. 

"Well, if brothers be havin' fun with it then who the fuck cares where they all about be getting the money and time from." 

"Their parenth for one." 

"Why is this even being discussed? Listening to the two of you banter back and forth about absolutely nothing is probably the last thing I want to be doing right now. Are you going to get your homework done or are you going to shit around in my living room all night?" 

"Jethuth KK, calm you mammorieth. Here." He hands you a packet of paper and asks you to edit it for him. You sigh and snatch it from him. Gamzee drones on.

"Yo, listen. I was reading this book, right? I tell you what... There is something fucking miraculous about it. Like, this one most specifically. Sollux, you ever read it?" He waves the book at Sollux who shrugs. "Shit, it has like literally everything you could ask for in a book. Like, there's all different kindsa time lines. And they all about being connected to each other. It's fucking beautiful." He continues and you try to drown yourself in Sollux's paper on relativity until you here two letters that catch your attention.

"Ey, yo brother. Who's 'AC'?" 

"Nepeta. Why?" The words leave your mouth before you can arrest them for treason and you wince, looking up. Your tongue catches in your teeth and the pain is the least of your worries right now. "Uh..."

"She's all been messaging you a shit ton, man... Check it out. Looks like she's got some hot fire to spit out at you." 

"Whoa, wait I thought you guyth didn't have each other'th pethter handleth?" Sollux gets up and walks over to your laptop and begins reading. You jump up like a bat out of Hell and slam the computer closed before either of them can read anymore of it. 

"First off, no fuck you. No one is going to snoop through my shit. Secondly, that was a mistake! Uh, yeah. I definitely meant an online friend who isn't Nepeta at all and I don't know why I said her name, let's just drop it okay?" You quickly try to recover but by the look on Sollux's face, he's not buying it. Oh, fuck all. 

"KK, you're acting really thuthpiciouth... I feel like you are hiding thome big thecret and we jutht caught on." This is it. 

"Yo, why don't we just ask her? Ain't nothin' wrong with that..." Gamzee reaches for your laptop and you swipe it up faster than you thought was humanly possible.

"No! None of whatever it is the two of you idiots think is happening is taking place. It was a slip of the tongue, you raving douchebags." You hold onto your computer with a vice grip as Gamzee slowly sits back down.

"You are being really fucking defenthive about thith, KK..." 

"You're butting into my business!" 

"But if it ain't no big deal, then what all is up to being the big problem?" 

"I have a private life!" You didn't mean to shriek like that.

"You're over reacting and that maketh me think you're really hiding thomething and it hath to do with Nepeta." Sollux stands up and glares at you. "What the hell is going on, KK?" 

"There is nothing going on!" This is getting out of control. 

"Then I don't thee the problem with looking at your computer."

"It's rude, you lunatic!"

"Prove it."

"Okay, this little, whatever the hell it is, is officially over. I'll see you assholes tomorrow." You lead them out of the living room and through your front door. Gamzee apologizes profusely but Sollux just gives you a knowing look. You slam the door in his face and trudge up to your room. Whatever Nepeta has to tell you, you could probably guess what it's about and things are getting out of your control (not that they ever were in your control, let's be realistic). The last thing you want to hear right now is how amazing you are from the person causing you the most emotional distress. And she's completely innocent which just makes you feel worse. 

You put away your labtop for the rest of the night. Your words are the last thing you can trust. Your phone vibrates in your back pocket and you whip it out, angrily. It's a text from Sollux. Rage makes you open it and Rage makes you throw your phone onto your bed and stomp out of the room. Lying face up, the phone glows for a few moments before locking itself. The words "TA: ju2t 2top lyiing two your2elf kk" black out with it.


	10. Chapter 10

**== > Be productive as frick!**

That is exactly how you spend the next weekend. The recent success with the Year Book Committee has inspired you to submit your art to more student organizations around campus. A new tab in your browser reads “List of Campus Clubs” and posted on said tab is just that. You go through the list and pick out the clubs which not only interest you, but also give you ideas for fliers for events they could possibly hold. Then, once you have some ideas and a bunch of drawings put together, you will meet with the boards of all of these clubs and see what comes of it. 

SGA is the big one, though. You’re not too sure you’ll convince them but you will sure as Hell try! 

By the end of your busy Saturday evening, you have ten works printed and in a folder, ready to show off. Elation fills you as the prospects of getting your work out to the public become more realistic. Thankfully, CG is on when you get finished because you need to let out this pent up bliss! Another name catches your eye as the notification blinks at you.

 

— centaursTesticle [CT] began pestering arsenicCatnip [AC] —

CT: Nepeta, I see you are finally online for the first time today that is not like you  
AC: aaaawww was ct worried?  
CT: Not e%actly but I did have something to go over with you  
CT: And it simply cannot wait  
AC: oh nooo is efurrything okay?  
CT: We shall see  
CT: Do you know our peer  
CT: I believe his name is Sollu%  
AC: yes!  
CT: It has come to my understanding that he is skeptical of the relationship between you and the 100d young man  
CT: Oh balderbash what is his name  
CT: E%cuse my language  
AC: haha are you talking about karcat!  
CT: Yes, I believe that is his name  
AC: well yeah i mean we’re becoming furriends now and he is really nice and fun to hang out with!  
AC: is there a purroblem with that?  
AC: beclaws i am definitely not going to stop talking to him, equius this is where i draw the line!  
AC: h33h33  
CT: No   
CT: I do not find it offensive if this relationship keeps up I am just a little confused as to how a pact like this would even come about  
AC: h33h33 yeah it is purretty strange!  
AC: but we get along so well that it feels almost too natural  
AC: like, why haven’t we become friends sooner!  
CT: Yes I see  
CT: I just worry for you  
CT: If I do recall he was e%tremely confrontational and brash when we were in middle school.  
AC: yeah he got into some fights… AC: but just trust me on this one everything is okay!  
AC: i will show you how sure i am about this by not using a cat pun at all!  
AC: that is how serious i am being right now!  
CT: I trust your judgement but you had better be right  
CT: For if he does anything to harm you in any way  
AC: i know i know!!!!  
AC: you don’t have to worry about me he is a harmless sw33theart!

Equius talks with you for a bit longer before he leaves to eat dinner and you’re now able to give CG your undivided attention! Except, he must have logged off while you were busy talking with Equius. A little dejected, you browse the usual sites looking for something to keep you occupied. After that becomes fruitless, you get out a notebook and start to doodle the Disciple, wishing that you knew Karkat’s persterhandle because it would be lovely to talk with him right now, especially since no one else is on and you’re bored out of your time. Oh, who are you trying to kid, you want to talk to him because he’s Karkat and because it makes your heart flutter in a way that is pleasing and everything about him makes you happy. 

**== >Reflect on today’s happenings**

Fuck Sollux. If you had to make a list of the worst people you so stupidly decided to keep close and consider “friends,” Sollux would be at the very tip-top of that list because what a completely and total douchebag. 

You had started your day with a text from said motherfucker that just rubbed you the wrong way. What the Hell does he know about your friendship with Nepeta and what the Hell is he insinuating? There is nothing to kid yourself about. There is nothing there that needs to be commented on. You have everything under control. The reply you sent was a short and sweet “FUCK YOU KINDLY,” and the conversation went on from there. He argued and argued with you for most of the day which just left you feeling really, really irritated. 

TA: ju2t admiit iit kk, youre iin hardcore cru2h mode wiith thii2 giirl  
CG: IF YOU’RE STILL REFERRING TO NEPETA, FOR THE LAST FUCKING TIME I DO *NOT* HAVE ANY ROMANTIC FEELINGS OR ANY SUCH ATTRACTION TO HER. *STOP ASKING* BEFORE I BLOW THE FUCKING LID OFF OF THIS FRIENDSHIP SOLLUX, SO HELP ME, GOD.  
TA: you are beiing riidiculou2. iit i2 2o fuckiing obviiou2 that you are cru2hiing on thii2 giirl hard  
CG: NO I AM NOT.  
TA: ye2 you are  
CG: NO  
TA: ye2  
CG: NO  
TA: ye2  
CG: NO  
TA: ye2  
CG: *****NO*****  
TA: kk  
CG: I CAN KEEP THIS UP ALL DAMN DAY IF I HAVE TO.  
TA: iid rather you ju2t admiit iit and then we can both move on  
CG: THERE IS NOTHING TO ADMIT OTHER THAN I HAVE 4 CLASSES WITH HER AND WE TALK IN THEM. SOLLUX, ARE YOU REALLY THIS BORED THAT YOU HAVE NOTHING ELSE TO DO WITH YOUR SATURDAY? BECAUSE IF THAT’S THE CASE, FUCKING BOTHER SOMEONE ELSE!  
TA: you can keep deflectiing all you want but ii can tell when youre lyiing and when youre completely and utterly iinto a chiick  
CG: I’M TURING MY PHONE OFF NOW, GOOD DAY ASSFACE  
TA: love you two

Fuck him and the God damn people who brought him into existence. 

Around this time, if you weren’t out and about doing chores or anything else, you’d be on pesterchum, probably roleplaying with Nepeta, but the thought of her makes you feel sick and the fact that thinking about her does that to you makes you feel even worse. Just layers and layers of nausea and you will not be having any more of that, right now. Turning your computer and your phone off, you turn to your movie collection but the only genre you really care about currently reflects too much of what you’re going through and, yup, another bout of queasiness. If only life were easy like these damn movies. You would know exactly what was going to happen next and you would also know exactly what you wanted. Not because that’s how romcoms play out, heavens no. You, more than anyone else, know that the main characters should go through trials upon trials before they can come to terms with their emotions and get with the right person for the big happy ending. But as someone who realizes this and knows that that is how these situations should go about, you sure are at a loss for fucking words.

Do you like Nepeta? 

Yeah, a nap sounds good, right now. 

As you lay down, you try to not think about Sollux and his shit-eating grin or Gamzee’s inquisitive stare or Nepeta’s small hand curled around yours. You groan and pull your pillow over your head with exasperation. Sleep does not come to you and you begrudgingly get up after half an hour of tossing and turning. You automatically go to your computer before you remember the reason why you laid down in the first place. Turning on your heel, you head downstairs to find something to drink, instead. This situation needs to be straightened out. You need to find some sort of comfortable medium.

You need to talk to someone.

A soda in one hand, you sit down in front of your computer and open pesterchum. Before you knew who AC really was, any time you needed to talk to someone to get something off your chest, you would talk to her and it always made you feel better. There is no real, important reason why that should change. She doesn’t know what you know about the two of you (thank God) and she won’t put two-and-two together because she doesn’t think you two live anywhere near each other. There is no harm in making up a tiny fib that relates to your current predicament. There is in no way any chance that this will come back to bite you in the ass! Definitely not!

Your fingers move shakily on the keyboard.

— carcinoGeneticist [CG] began pestering arsenicCatnip [AC] —

CG: HEY AC  
CG: I HAVE A HYPOTHETICAL QUESTION FOR YOU.  
CG: MORE LIKE SOMETHING THAT A FRIEND OF MINE IS GOING THROUGH AND HE ASKED ME FOR HELP AND I’M NOT SURE WHAT I WOULD DO IF I WERE IN HIS SHOES SO I’M ASKING OTHER PEOPLE WHAT THEY THINK ABOUT IT.  
CG: AC ARE YOU THERE? YOU’RE NOT IDLE.  
AC: oh yes! i am right here, cg *ac prances ofurr to cg and curls around his legs, happily.* what is it your friend is going through?  
CG: YEAH, OKAY…  
CG: HE HAS THIS FRIEND. SHE’S A GIRL. AND THEY STARTED GETTING CLOSER OR WHATEVER YOU CALL IT. THEY HANG OUT MORE THAN THEY USED TO. AND HE’S UPSET BECAUSE ONE OF HIS OTHER FRIENDS IS GIVING HIM SHIT FOR THIS AND ACCUSING HIM OF HAVING FEELINGS FOR THIS GIRL WHEN HE SO DEFINITELY *DOESN’T*  
CG: AND HE DOESN’T KNOW HOW TO MAKE IT SO THAT PEOPLE GET OFF HIS CASE WHILE ALSO KEEPING HIS FRIENDSHIP WITH THIS GIRL SACRED AND PURE LIKE IT SHOULD BE.  
AC: i s33  
CG: THAT’S BASICALLY IT.   
AC: but he definitely doesn’t like this girl more than a furiend?  
CG: YES.  
CG: THAT I KNOW OF, AT LEAST.  
AC: well what if he does like her! and this is the last push that gets him to confess to her! ohmigosh this could be really romantic ;33 cg you should find out fur sure how he f33ls about her and if he does f33l more than just platonic attraction, then maybe he should go fur it and ask her out!  
AC: do you know the girl tho?  
CG: YEAH.  
CG: WELL I KNOW OF HER.  
AC: can you s33 them getting togefur?

Can you see it? There is a part of you that automatically jumps to attention. Yes, you can very much see yourself getting closer to her. Spending just as much time alone with her, physically, as you have done online for years. A flurry of fantasies come to mind and you quickly suppress them. There is no reason for you to be thinking about taking her to the movies and slinking your arm around her neck and feeling her cuddle up close to you. And you’re definitely not thinking about taking her back to her house and walking her up to her front door before she turns to you and shyly thanks you for a wonderful evening. You would rub the back of your neck and tell her it was nothing, and after a few awkward moments, she would lean up, tip-toeing so she could reach your mouth and— Yup! That is absolutely, positively the last thing on your mind right now!

AC: hellooooo  
CG: YEAH, SORRY I WAS TALKING TO MY MOM.  
AC: well, answer the question, silly! can you s33 them getting togefur? your answer to that will purrobably help you determine what to tell your friend!  
CG: I GUESS SO.  
AC: you don’t have to tell me what you think about it, though so don’t worry! but k33p your answer in mind :33  
CG: YEAH, YOU’RE RIGHT. THANKS AC.  
AC: of course!   
AC: but uh  
AC: ac is purretty curious about what cg thinks… does he ship them? ;33c  
CG: CURIOUSITY KILLED THE CAT.  
AC: h33h33!!!

That didn’t help you at all.

**== >Start your week off with some interesting developments!**

You meet with chess club, glee club, and Spanish club on Monday. The chess club kindly declines your offer and that puts a damper on your day but you still have two more to talk to and the optimism keeps pumping out of somewhere in your tiny frame. The Spanish club board member tells you they need a sign for their booth for some language club festival that is going to be happening in a few weeks. You remember that festival from the year before. There was a lot of yummy food and your third period teacher let you guys go visit it for most of the class period. The president gives you some examples of what she’s looking for and you scribble down notes and doodles and then shake her hand before skipping to meet with glee club. The meeting with them goes pretty well, you think. They have no events happening any time soon but they tell you that they will keep in contact if anything comes up. Good enough for you!

Feeling fine makes you oblivious and you book it around a corner just to smack into something hard. You reel back and a hand catches your wrists. You spit out a shaky apology and notice that the something you almost bulldozed over was in fact your classmate, Sollux.

"Hey, watch where you’re going, won’t you?” he reprimands and you bow your head and laugh.

"Sorry! I just got a little carried away there, didn’t I!”

He looks you down for a moment and you think this is probably the best time to make an excuse and continue on your way until he speaks up again.

“Hey, lithten Nepeta… I have been wondering thomething for a long time, now and I’ve athked thomeone elthe in quethtion what the deal ith but, you know.” He shoves his hands in his pockets and shrugs. “I’ve jutht been abthently wondering what the deal ith with you and KK. You guyth a thing or…”

“E-E-Excuse me?!” You squeak. Your face heats up in an instant. “I have no idea what you’re talking about!”

“Thith might jutht be me imagining thingth but I’ve been friendth with that athhole for like, thixth yearth and he taketh ageth to warm up to people, yet for thome reathon…” He strides around you and you watch him, trying to keep the lump in your throat from going anywhere but up. “It took him jutht a few weekth to be cool with you…”

“I… I really don’t know what I did… uhm… I’m sorry?” You shrug, sheepishly and he straightens his posture, clearing his throat.

“It’th not a bad thing, jutht me being curiouth, ith all.”

“Curiosity killed the cat!” You blurt out with a smile, instantly realizing that that sounds like a threat, so you immediately apologize. He sighs and shakes his head.

“Nah, it’th fine. Thorry for being weird.” And he leaves you, frazzled and shaking.

**== > Begrudgenly check your phone.**

You do and you wish you hadn’t. When it had vibrated in your back pocket as you unlocked the front door to your house, you had a sickening feeling that it was probably Sollux, come to ruin your afternoon and make you stressed out over this situation even more so than you already are. And would you look at that! Your instict was completely right!

TA: yeah dude 2he totally liike2 you  
CG: OH FOR FUCK’S SAKE  
TA: 2o what are you goiing two do about iit?  
CG: FUCK ALL IF I KNOW. NOTHING.  
TA: that doe2nt 2ound very niice at all  
CG: YEAH WELL, THIS IS KARKAT YOU ARE TALKING TO OR DID YOU FORGET?  
TA: kk the la2t thiing you are iis iincon2iiderate  
CG: FUCK YOU.  
TA: ha2 2he confe22ed two you?  
CG: NOT EXACTLY.  
TA: what iin all of fuck doe2 that even mean kk  
CG: SHE HASN’T CONFESSED *TO* ME. AS A PERSON. IN REAL LIFE.  
TA: oh yeah that make2 perfect 2en2e ii know exactly what you are 2ayiing at me riight now  
CG: SOLLUX, LOOK. I AM GOING TO TRY TO BE COMPLETELY REAL WITH YOU RIGHT NOW. IT’S A FUCKED UP SITUATION AND I DON’T KNOW HOW TO HANDLE IT AND YOU GETTING ON MY CASE ABOUT THIS 24/FUCKING/7 IS NOT MAKING ANYTHING EASIER OR HELPING ME IN ANY WAY.  
TA: what iif iim only buggiing you two make her feel better diid you ever thiink of that kk  
CG: LISTEN, IT WON’T MAKE ANYONE FEEL BETTER. I AM SO COMPLETELY SURE OF THAT, THAT IF I WERE TO BE EVEN AN IOTA MORE SURE, I WOULD ASCEND TO NIRVANA BECAUSE THAT WOULD BE IT. I WOULD KNOW EVERYTHING. I WOULD BE EVERYTHING— ALL FLOATING AND GLOWLY UNDER A FUCKING TREE. SO IF YOU WANT TO REALLY HELP ME— AND I MEAN *REALLY* HELP ME, YOU’LL SHUT THE FUCK UP ABOUT THIS WHOLE THING AND JUST…  
CG: LET ME HANDLE IT, OKAY?  
TA: well 2hiit ok  
TA: but ii thiink you probably dont have any more control over what ii2 happeniing than anyone el2e.  
CG: WHATEVER.  
TA: ju2t know iif you want two talk two anyone about iit iim ju2t a text away  
CG: YEAH, I KNOW. THANKS SOLLUX.

You wish it were that easy.

Later that night, you find yourself watching AC go on about how Sollux had confronted her about her own feelings and how shaken up it got her and it takes all of you to keep from ripping him a new one. It happened before your talk with him. There is nothing you can do about it now, except tell her that it’s fine. The guy she likes probably has no idea. Everything is safe. Lie, lie, lie. She is still super worried and you hate that but you literally can’t do anything about it other than talk her out of crying. You hope she isn’t crying.

You ask and she says she isn’t but the next thing that blinks up in your chat window makes you almost tip out of your chair.

AC: hey cg, wouldn’t it just be better if i just liked you instead  
AC: no one would care or have to know  
AC: and i would be able to tell you so easily beclaws i already tell you efurrything and this wouldn’t be any different…  
AC: and nobody could bother me about it, cause then i can just block them and that would be the end of that.  
CG: BUT DON’T YOU WANT SOMEONE YOU CAN HANG OUT WITH AT ANY TIME. LIKE SOMEONE IN PERSON WHO CAN BE THERE FOR YOU? BECAUSE, NOT FOR NOTHING, BUT I AM JUST A FACELESS IDIOT ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE SCREEN. YOU HAVE NO IDEA IF WE’D EVEN GET ALONG OR IF WE’D BE ATTRACTED TO EACH OTHER.

Because any normal person would.

AC: none of that matters to me.   
AC: it is like if i could just k33p in contact with you for the rest of my life and talk with you all the time that would be completely okay with me!  
AC: i don’t care about hugs or kisses, though i’m sure they are very nice  
AC: prr prr  
AC: but all of this struggle is just really tiring and i don’t like being stressed out over it all the time  
AC: and the fact that people keep bringing it up

You know exactly how that feels and this is probably one of the most heartbreaking conversations you’ve had with her since you can remember. Your chest feels tight and you swallow over a lump in your throat. You would like nothing more than to just tell her, “It’s okay because I am CG and I am also Karkat! So all of your problems are over because, for sure, you can have your cake and eat it, too!” But you can’t. And you won’t. So, you console her as much as you can.

But a part of you pings with jealousy. Over yourself? You’re not sure. Every emotion you’ve been feeling lately has been enraging and confusing and you’re sick of it as much as she is.

 

CG: MAYBE YOU SHOULD CONFESS TO HIM.  
CG: LIKE, SOON. 


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> O-oh hi guys... Sorry for the super long wait! I was able to get my phone connected to my mom's net book so now I have SOME internet, though it is very slow! I will try to update more often than every month or so, I promise. This fic is getting close to the end, anyway. I just want to thank you guys for sticking with me and dealing with how slowly I update! GOMEN, TOMODACHIS. GOMEN.

**== > Feel really fucking stupid**

You feel really fucking stupid!

AC: cg are you pawsitively sure that is what i should be doing? what if i ruin what we already have! i cant even bear to think about that...  
CG: I'M JUST SAYING.  
CG: IF THIS GUY IS AS GREAT AS YOU KEEP SAYING HE IS.

You're not.

CG: THEN THE WORST HE CAN DO IS TELL YOU HE DOESN'T FEEL THE SAME WAY.

You do.

CG: BUT HE'D BE ASININE AS FUCK TO CUT OFF THE FRIENDSHIP BECAUSE YOU HAVE FEELINGS FOR HIM. HE MIGHT FEEL REALLY SHITTY ABOUT REJECTING YOU (IF HE DOES REJECT YOU.) BUT I DOUBT IT'LL BE WORSE THAN THAT.  
AC: i guess so...  
AC: its just... really hard, you know?  
CG: WHAT IS.  
AC: growing up and having f33lings  
AC: its hard, cg, and no one understands.  
CG: I THINK I DO.  
AC: h33h33 ooooh?  
AC: does cg have f33lings for some lucky kitten as well?

Your hands hover over the keys as you deliberate on what to say next. Telling her means distracting her from her problems, even for the next few moments. It also means admitting out loud what you feel inside for one of your oldest friends. It scares you more than anything else and you do really know how she feels. Except it's worse for you. If she ever finds out that you're CG and that you've known she has liked you for a few weeks, now... Well, this thought alone sends a chill down your spine. 

Her confessing to you won't make you cut ties. But you confessing to her will. If Nepeta finds out you've been hiding this from her, you will lose her. It's as simple as that. 

However, keeping this secret inside is eating you up and your ability to keep it all in check is diminishing. 

AC: hello? :cc  
CG: I'M STILL HERE.   
CG: I JUST... DON'T KNOW HOW TO TELL YOU.  
AC: you just tell me, silly! its that easy x33  
AC: i do it all the time! h33h33  
CG: YEAH, I KNOW.  
AC: do you go to school with her?  
AC: is she older than you?!   
AC: cg i can s33 you going fur older girls...  
CG: WHAT THE FUCK AM I READING.  
AC: are you friends with her?   
AC: is she single?  
AC: do you think you have a chance with her?

This is getting out of hand.

CG: DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT.   
CG: IT'S NOT LIKE ANYTHING WILL COME OF IT, ANYWAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE EVEN BROUGHT IT UP.  
AC: :((  
AC: *ac crawls into cgs lap and purrs loudly, asking to be pet. petting a cat is the best way to furget about all of your troubles.*  
AC: i guess we are in the same boat, cg...  
CG: YEAH.  
AC: what, oh what should we dooo...  
CG: I DON'T KNOW.

**== > Be upset**

The only thing that sucks more than your current predicament is seeing one of your closest friends suffer in a similar fashion. It would be better if you and CG just got together. Sure, it wouldn't be like a normal relationship but then who cares! You'd have each other emotionally, and isn't that the most important part? You try to convince CG again, that this is probably the better route. For the both of you.

CG: AC. I AM TELLING YOU, THAT WOULD BE SUCH A MISTAKE. ESPECIALLY SINCE YOU HAVE A CHANCE WITH THE GUY YOU ACTUALLY HAVE FEELINGS FOR.  
AC: but if you dont have a chance with the girl you like then what am i supposed to do? just move on without you? no way! >:cc  
CG: OKAY, HOW ABOUT THIS.  
CG: DO YOU LIKE ME.  
AC: of course!  
AC: prr prr  
CG: AS MUCH AS YOU LIKE HIM.

No. No, you like Karkat so much that it hurts. His mention brings butterflies to your tummy and clenches your heart and you day dream about him for the rest of the day. Thinking about CG makes you happy, yes. Because he is your friend and he's one of the best ones you've got. Maybe you're just really dumb. Dejection suddenly fills you as you begin to realize that you are incredibly selfish. You don't mean to be but you are. Thinking you can force someone else's feelings along with your own. It isn't fair to you and it isn't fair to CG. Time to face the music.

AC: youre right...  
AC: im so dumb! cg, im sorry...  
CG: YOU ARE.  
CG: BUT IT'S OKAY.  
CG: SO AM I.

What does that mean?

**== > Go through the rest of your week like a ghost**

You feel like shit. More-so than usual. Not only are you continuously reminded of how you've fucked up with this girl, but your emotions only get stronger and more out of control as the days pass. You snap sooner. You fluster more easily. You sleep less. It's really starting to weigh you down and it's gotten to the point where if you don't seek help, you're going to blow it. Big time. You've had to stop yourself on three different occasions from either calling AC by her name or telling her who you are, just to get it over with. You're just starting to think that it's not worth the emotional turmoil. Losing her will suck but at least you can deal with that sort of shittiness. The not knowing is what is killing you.

(Un)luckily for you, Sollux is persistent. You make a mental note to thank him.

"KK, you're thtaring off again." Sollux waves a hand in front of you and you snap out of your day dreams. 

"Huh? Oh. Yeah, sorry. What were you saying?" 

Sollux gives you a deadpan stare and shakes his head. "Nevermind." He moves to get up and you stop him. You need to fix this. You need to take someone's offered help for once in your pathetic life.

"Wait, Sollux. Wait. Sit down for a second." He blinks down at you, but listens. It's now or never. "You were right. You've been right, actually." 

"...Go on." He scoots his tray to the side and clasps his hands together. If you weren't so defeated, his condescending behavior would be sending you through the fucking roof with rage. 

"I... I do. I do like her." You choke out, after a few deep breaths. 

"Her?" He presses. This asshole is trying to get you to spill everything. Make it so there is no doubt in his mind that you are digging your mutual classmate, Nepeta. 

"You know who!" You snap. He flinches back and you pinch the bridge of your nose. "You know... exactly who I am talking about, Sollux."

"Why KK, I haven't the foggietht inclination of who you are referring to." He gives you a toothy grin and you glower up at him. 

"Sollux, don't make me fucking say it."

"Would you look at the time, I had better get going to that thing I have to do." He moves to stand up and something inside of you snaps and suddenly, it's now or never. You need to tell someone.

"Nepeta!" That stopped him. He slowly takes his seat across from you. "I do. I like her. I really like her, okay! Is that what you want to hear? Me, spill my fucking guts in front of the whole cafeteria and completely humiliate myself because I can't handle keeping it in anymore? Is that what you want, you sadistic fuck?!" You heave and pant and he laughs at you and you slump back down, finally realizing that it's all out. A sigh of relief. Sollux leans across the table and slaps a hand on your shoulder. 

"Actheptanthe ith the firtht thtep." 

You slam your head down on the table and groan, loudly. 

"What are you going to do about it?"

You roll your head to the side and glance up at him before rubbing your forehead harshly on the tablet. "I don't know."

"The anthwer ith right in front of you." 

When you glance up again, you spot Nepeta behind him, talking to Terezi and Tavros. Your stare lingers for a moment as you think things through. Telling her. That is what he is suggesting. If he knew the whole story, would he still be so gung-ho about confessing to her? If he knew that the relationship the two of you share is already strained by invisible forces, would he continue to force you to make it even more unstable? Probably. You sit up and stare at him with determination. You told him, that's all he wanted and that's all he's getting.

"I'm not telling her."

"Why the fuck not?" 

"It's more complicated than you think, Sollux. Just... Just trust me on this one, okay? I am so completely sure that things will go so fucking sour if I tell her. I have to just deal with it or risk losing her as a friend." 

You stand up and grab your tray, walking away before he can keep you there any longer. You walk over to Nepeta and her two friends and greet her gruffly. She gives you the warmest smile and you notice every detail in her face, how her cheeks widen, how her nose scrunches up, the blush you wish wasn't there. You nod at Terezi and Tavros after a few moments, realizing you had been staring and ignoring them. Nepeta offers to walk to math with you and you accept without thinking twice about it. You choose to ignore the knowing glances Terezi and Tavros swap and fight back the urge to flip them off so hard, they'll have nightmares about middle fingers. Nepeta is unusually quiet on the walk to class. You hope she isn't mad at you or still upset about the talk yesterday. There is no way you can ask without giving yourself away, so you suffer just as silently.

**== > Ignore your phone**

Terezi and Tavros blow up your phone with texts that can only be described as fussingly annoying. You saw the look they shared when Karkat came up. They know now. You wish they didn't but they do and they won't let you live it down. Terezi is worse. Tavros at least understands, but Terezi doesn't see the point in keeping it a secret. She is so sure that if you tell him, he will fall right into your arms, kissing you passionately. You know he wouldn't because he wouldn't do that to anyone. You know he wouldn't because there is no way he feels that way about you! You sneak a peek at your phone as you walk with Karkat to class. You can't seem to talk to him, so this keeps you busy. You glower down at the screen.

TA: nEPETA, iT IS SO OBVIOUS, tHAT HE FEELS, aT LEAST SOMEWHAT THE SAME, aS YOU DO,,,

You ignore it and go to the next notification. 

GC: 4 BL1ND P3RSON COULD S33 HOW H3 LOOKS 4T YOU, N3P3T4! >:]  
GC: TH3R3 IS SO MUCH T3ND3RN3SS TH3R3 IT M4K3S M3 W4NT TO PUK3 IN TH3 B3ST W4Y POSSIBL3

You want to cry, this isn't fair. They're your friends, they shouldn't be dangling this above your head like a cat toy. They should be understanding and supportive in a way that doesn't get your hopes up for nothing. This has been a bad day.

In math, you focus on doodling ideas for some of the fliers you will be making for the clubs you talked to, just to get your mind off of things. It helps, except when Karkat comments on them. You don't want him noticing you. It hurts too much. But you bite back the emotions and put on your best pretend happy face and thank him and tell him a little about what you are doing. He seems happy for you. That is the end of that. It hurts so, so much.

**== > Worry at your lip.**

She seems down, even more so than you originally thought. She avoids eye contact with you and keeps the conversations to a minimal. You hate it but you don't blame her. You try to compliment her art, because you've always loved it. Even when she was just AC to you, you loved it. She needs to be focusing on getting her work out there, not drama with a worthless sack of fuck like you. You want to be the reason she smiles, not the reason she cries, but you don't know how to do that. You give up trying to talk to her after a while. And when you get online, she doesn't message you. 

That seems to be it. A strange peace washes over you. As if you knew it would happen. You just needed to know for sure. 

the tears come later. 

**== > Stare at your email in shock**

You reread the message over and over again before the meaning actually clicks. The student government wants you to make a logo for Homecoming. They give you some suggestions of what it should be and they reveal the super, top secret theme of the dance and everything! You yell to your mom before stumbling out of your chair to run down stairs and tell her the great news. The rest of your night is dedicated to drawing out possible designs. The theme is fairy paradise. You find it kind of strange but they want it to be a magical, elegant homecoming which will match the prom theme for that year as well. It's a neat idea and you reply with enthusiasm, scanning your first few drawings and sending them in a bundle. A reply won't come tonight, you think so you then occupy yourself with looking up types of dresses you'd want to buy. The email had mentioned there being a dress code. They want the girls to wear shorter dresses that are in shades of green, pink, and yellow, while the guys must wear slacks and button down shirts with the same color scheme. You find a few and bookmark the pages to show your mom later and then try your hardest not to tell anyone about this information. No one can know until the posts with your logo are up and the dance is being advertised. 

A sudden chill hits you. 

You want to go with Karkat.


	12. Chapter 12

**== > Spill the news because you can't keep it in any more**

AC: cg! i have to tell you somefink so incredibly cool!!!  
CG: SHOOT.  
AC: ok im not supposed to tell anyone this beclaws its top secret but you dont go to our school, so i guess its feline!  
AC: was that one a stretch?  
CG: YES. BUT DO YOU DON'T HAVE TO TELL ME SHIT IF IT'S A SCHOOL SECRET THING.   
AC: youre not going to tell anyone so why should it be matter?  
AC: so, remempurr how i was making posters for some of the clubs at my school? well sga emailed me and im going to be doing the advertisement for homecoming!  
CG: OH, SHIT.  
AC: oh, shit ind33d!  
AC: and they told me what the theme is going to be.   
AC: they want it to match prom later on this year so its going to be fairy inspired and theres a dress code and everything!  
CG: THAT SOUNDS SO INCREDIBLY LAME. I'M SORRY FOR YOU AND YOUR FELLOW PEERS.  
AC: the girls have to wear short dresses that are either green, pink, or yellow and the guys have to wear shirts those colors, as well with slacks so  
AC: i think itll look really pretty prrr prrrr...  
CG: SO, YOU'RE MAKING THE LOGO FOR THIS, THEN?  
AC: yes and i started looking for dresses too.  
AC: h33h33  
CG: SO YOU'RE GOING?  
AC: well duuuuh even if i wasnt doing the logo id still go. its homecoming!  
CG: ARE YOU GOING TO ASK, YOU KNOW WHO?  
AC: i... want to.  
CG: WHEN ARE YOU GOING TO ASK HIM?  
AC: well obviously after the date of the dance is announced. im not going to just ask him when no one is supposed to know about it yet.  
CG: HOMECOMING HAPPENS EVERY YEAR AT, LIKE, EVERY HIGH SCHOOL, AC. I DON'T THINK IT WOULD BE THAT WEIRD.  
AC: its weird enough!! x(( i dont need that working against me, too!  
AC: im... not even sure if i can ask him, fur starters.  
AC: ill purrobably just chicken out and ask to go as friends and then hell never find out and that will be the end of that!  
CG: ARE YOU SURE?  
CG: IT COULDN'T HURT TO JUST ASK HIM STRAIGHT OUT. YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT WILL HAPPEN.  
AC: i dont want to know what will happen!  
AC: im a scaredy cat, cg. you know this. :((  
CG: YEAH.  
CG: WELL, I CAN'T FORCE YOU TO DO THE RIGHT THING. ALL I CAN DO IS THREATEN YOU OVER THE INTERNET. BUT HE'D BE A FUCKING IDIOT TO NOT SAY YES. EVEN JUST TO SEE HOW THINGS GO.  
AC: thanks cg, but you dont have to try to ch33r me up about this. i am ready for whatever happens.  
CG: JUST KEEP THAT CHIN UP. PESSIMISM DOESN'T SUIT YOU.

You want nothing more than to take his advice but the crippling fear of rejection is much stronger than the need to be with him. You tell him this and he says something you never would expect him to say.

CG: IF YOU'RE MORE AFRAID OF HIM SAYING NO. IF THAT'S A STRONGER EMOTION THAN YOUR WANTING TO BE WITH HIM, THEN YOU DON'T DESERVE TO ASK HIM.  
AC: wh...  
AC: what are you saying cg?  
CG: IF YOU LIKE HIM AS MUCH AS YOU'VE ALWAYS SAID YOU DO, THEN THE REJECTION SHOULDN'T BE ENOUGH TO STOP YOU FROM ASKING HIM TO A DINKY HIGH SCHOOL DANCE. SURE, IT MIGHT HURT BUT THE ODDS OF HIM FLAT OUT SAYING 'NO, I DON'T WANT TO GO WITH YOU, EVEN THOUGH YOU'RE MY FRIEND AND WE TALK A LOT,' ARE SO SLIM, IT'S MIND BLOWING THAT YOU DON'T SEE THIS YOURSELF.  
AC: i guess so...  
CG: I MEAN, IT'S STILL UP TO YOU. I JUST THINK YOU'VE BEATEN AROUND THE BUSH LONG ENOUGH AND NOW THE UNIVERSE IS PRACTICALLY DROPPING HIM IN YOUR LAP AND YOU NEED TO DO SOMETHING.  
AC: yeah, youre right. but only after the date is announced!  
CG: FINE. I'M TRUSTING AND SIMULTANEOUSLY SUPPORTING YOU, AC.  
AC: thanks cg :33

**== > Have a mini freak-out**

Okay, calm down. There is no reason for you to be this worked up about the idea of Nepeta asking you out to a dance. You have come to terms with the fact that you definitely have romantic feelings for this girl. You'd like to be able to act on those feelings but you're not as experienced as you'd like to be and there's still that messy little part of this whole situation where you're lying about who you are to her at the same time. 

You blink. What if you asked her out first? Made it a little easier and showed her that she has no reason to feel so down about it because you do like her! You really do! But, the CG part of you tells you that she needs to learn to do this, herself. She's become friends with you by herself. She has the ability to just ask you out and she needs to realize that. So, you'll wait patiently and make sure, through your now alter ego CG, that she goes through with it. And you think about how good it will feel to be able to get closer to her. Your face starts to burn as you think about dancing with her and sharing more private moments. 

You need to find something to wear.

=> Spend the next few weeks mentally preparing yourself

"Moooom..." You call out, unplugging your laptop and padding down stairs. "I found another dress, this one's cheaper, too!" You show your mother an image of the dress. She looks it over. It's a pastel yellow, which you usually don't go for but it's the only color in this style and you think it suits the dress a great lot. The top of the dress is form-fitting tight, with a sweet-heart neckline and straps that crisscross down the back. Speaking of the back, it's much lower than you think is suitable for a high school dance but that doesn't seem to bother your mom. The bottom of the dress flares out, but it looks like it wouldn't go past your knees. You're in love with this dress and you think it'll look very nice on you, as well. 

After the order is sent in and it's purchased, you race back upstairs to show CG. You send him a link to the image and go on about the fabric and how they had your exact size and it was meant to be. 

CG: I GUESS THIS PARTICULAR PIECE OF CLOTHING CAN BE DESCRIBED AS NOTHING OTHER THAN 'PRETTY.' THOUGH, I CRINGE AT THE WORD.   
CG: IMAGINE ME CRINGING.

You giggle to yourself. 

AC: yeeeesssss!!  
AC: i would ask you if you think it will look good on me but, lol :33c  
CG: EITHER WAY, I'M SURE YOU'LL LOOK STUNNING IN IT. 

**== > Fight back the fantasies**

You immediately imagine Nepeta twirling around in this pretty, little dress, all sunshine and smiles and your heart aches with how happy the image makes you feel. It would've been better to be surprised by what she's wearing the night of the dance, but you know she tells CG everything and that couldn't be avoided. You can feel your heart thump in your chest and you allow yourself to smile, just a bit, as you reply. 

Unbeknownst to Nepeta, you've been keeping an eye on her, waiting for her to build up the courage to hint something to you about the dance. There is a sort of determination in her eyes when she talks with you, now. Though, that could also very well be your imagination. The thought of her finally cornering you and asking the big question makes you excited and nervous at the same time and you brace yourself for it every time she opens her mouth to speak to you. The dance hasn't even been announced, yet but you know it's getting close. It's only a matter of time before she can openly show you her affection and you can simultaneously accept them. 

Because you will. You will accept them. 

It's a Monday when the first uttering for the dance rings over the intercom during morning announcements. You stare up at the speaker on the wall with wide eyes. Swallowing over a lump in your throat, this is the day. You glance over your shoulder, anxiously. As if you're readying yourself to run if you catch sight of her. Without even trying, you spend most of the day on edge. Sollux notices and you hate how sharp he is.

"Tho, uh... You gonna athk the cat girl to that danthe."

"First off, she has a fucking name, you swine. Secondly, I don't know, are you going to go fuck yourself with a spork?" And you fling a spork at him. He bats it away. 

"Jethuth, KK. It'th not that big of a deal. Jutht athk her, already." 

"Are you... Ugh." You rub at the bridge of your nose. "I can't." 

"And why not?"

"Because, you raging piece of taint, she has to ask me!" You hiss. You then look over your shoulder to make sure no one heard you. Coast is clear. 

"KK, uh, I'm pretty sure, that'th not how it workth." 

"In this situation, that's exactly how it works. And even though I would love to just ask her and get this over with, I can't. She has to be the one to ask me because if she doesn't, then she'll never learn." You spit out.

Sollux looks around, then leans in. "What the ever loving fuck are you thaying at me? You're not making and goddamn thenthe." 

Well, you might as well tell him the rest of the story. You're already here. You can't come up with a reasonable lie. It might even get him off your goddamn case, albeit a long lecture of how stupid you are being the first and foremost reaction. But you can deal with that once. Not this playing around the fucking mulberry tree of adolescent romance shenanigans. 

"Okay, listen. I'm only going to tell you this once. But you have to promise me that you cannot tell anyone else this. Especially Gamzee, because we all know he'll fucking slip up and then it'll be all over the school. Same goes for your little girlfriend, Sollux. No, shut up. I'm going to stop you there." You put up your finger and Sollux's mouth snaps shut. "I found out very recently, I mean very recently, that I've actually known Nepeta for a long time." You pause. "A lot longer than she thinks we've known each other." You let it sink in. You can practically see the gears turning in his head. 

"Tho, you're thaying..."

"Remember how she was messaging me when you guys were over?"

"Yeah and you fucking flipped out like an infant and threw uth out? I recall that particular day."

"Yeah, well that's how I've known her."

"Over the internet?" 

"Since we were in, like, middle school." 

"And she doethn't know that you're... uh, you?" You nod once. "Jethuth, KK. And I thought you couldn't be more of a fuck up!" He laughs. 

"Hey, keep your goddamn voice down." Looking around and seeing no one paying you any mind, you continue. "I just figured it out this year."

"Tho why the fuck haven't you told her?" 

"Because." You slap your forehead, it sounds so much stupider out loud than it does in your head. You're going to get so much flack for this. "Because, at first, I was really freaked out. She would always go on about this kid she liked and when I found out it was me that she's been telling me about all these years. Well, you can imagine..." He nods, slowly. "I know not telling her was fucking stupid of me. Like, I've beaten myself up over it enough. But, I have no idea what telling her would do! Especially now... And I don't want to hurt her feelings, and--"

"I'm going to cut you off there. Why the fuck would it hurt her feelingth? I mean, other than the fact that you kept thith really important thecret from her. I mean, she'th going to feel like a fucking idiot. She'll probably hate you, now that I think about it..."

"You're supposed to be listening, you spit-filled balloon of asshole."

"That'th a new one."

"If I tell her that I'm her old internet friend, that I've know for a few months, and that I also know I'm the guy she's liked since we were in eighth grade... Well, you can imagine how that would make her feel." You look down at the table and you hate yourself, so much. "S-so... The reason I can't ask her out to this crummy dance is because I've been also coaching her into asking me out first. Because she needs to find the confidence and she always comes to me for advice and support." You lay your head on the table and groan. "I'm the shittiest person alive and she doesn't deserve me." 

You want to cry, even though tears don't come. You just bite your lip and shut your eyes tightly as Sollux watches you, quietly. He doesn't say anything which translates into, 'yeth, I now thee the theriouthneth of thith thituation.' There is no happy outcome if you tell her. But if you don't, you'll feel tormented until you do. 

If past you was the biggest idiot you've ever been, present you is the biggest masochist. 

**== > Force yourself to pay attention to your friends**

"Nepeta, are you even listening to me?" Vriska says, dramatically. You snap your head in her direction, startled. You had caught sight of Karkat and Sollux from the corner of your eye. You couldn't hear what they were saying but it seemed like a really serious conversation. You watched Karkat lay his head down and you wanted to go over there and pat his back and tell him whatever it is that's upsetting him, it's okay. That's when Vriska snapped you out of it. 

"I'm sorry, what?" You tilt your head. 

"Nepeta, were you, uh, staring at a little angry guy, that we all happen to, uh, mutually know?" Tavros nudges you with his elbow and you blink at him, heat automatically rising to your cheeks. 

"Wh..."

"She totally was!" Terezi cackles at your other side and you look at her, hurt and freaking out a little bit.

"That's not--!"

"Hold the fuck up." Vriska says, glancing over at the other table. "You and Vantas?" She points, looking back at you. 

"Oh, Hell no, Serket. You are not going to get involved in this." Terezi warns. 

"And why the fuck not? Nepeta's my friend, right?" She looks back at you and you shrink away from her gaze. "So is it FBO, or..."

"It really isn't your business!" Aradia chimes. Vriska's glare points sharply at her and you love it when they interact.

"Oh, but it's all your business, then? Just not mine. I see." She says, darkly. 

"None of us are getting involved. It's Nepeta's crush and she can do whatever she wants with it." She smiles at you and you give her a small smile back. Aradia was really good at standing up for people. 

"Is that so..." Vriska glances back at the table Karkat is sitting at. "So, are you asking him?" You bristle and gulp a little.

"A-asking him what?" You manage.

"Tsk. To the dance, don't play stupid." Everyone looks at you and you shrink back.

"Oh, hey yeah! That would be really cute! You should go for it!" Terezi pushes and Tavros pushes back, on the opposite side.

"I think, that you would really, definitely have a chance, with him."

Vriska watches as you protest, laughing nervously before she grabs your shoulders and glares down at you. "Are you a huntress?"

"Wh... I..."

"Answer me! Are you a huntress?"

"What, like in the RP?" Terezi asks. Vriska ignores her and just stares down at you. You don't feel like a huntress under that gaze, but you know what she wants to hear.

"Y-yes..." 

"And what do huntresses do?"

"H-hunt?"

"Ugh. Yes. And Vantas over there." She forces you to turn and look. "He's the prey." You are starting to understand what she's getting at. "And do you know what huntresses do with prey?" You glance back up at her and shake your head, slightly. "They eat them." She smiles wickedly at you and releases your shoulders, seemingly pleased with herself. "Don't let your fear stop you from getting your reward." You blink up at her with wide eyes. No one says anything, but Aradia smiles pleasantly at Vriska. The bell rings and Vriska walks briskly away before anyone can say anything to her. You go to class in a daze, all the while playing out the big question in your head over and over and over again. 

**== > Watch Nepeta **

She seems tense and out of it. You give her a short greeting and she just nods at you and sits down. You don't like this. Maybe she's second guessing this whole thing and she actually doesn't want to go with you. What if...

What if she found out you are CG?

Your blood runs cold and you want to crawl in a hole and die. 

**== > Glance at Karkat**

The teacher drones on about equations but you can't seem to pay attention. Karkat looks sad and you can't stop thinking about how you have to ask him. How not only is CG rooting for you, and your close friends, but Vriska even gave you a pep talk. You are now completely obligated to go through with this, even though you're more than sure he's going to turn you down. There are so many other prettier, more interesting girls at this school. He doesn't have to settle for you.

Vriska's words echo through your head. 

_Don't let your fear stop you from getting your reward._

But the prospect of him saying no stitches your mouth shut. You try to think about what CG told you, that if you really, really liked him, then his answer shouldn't matter if you ask him or not. The fear is not stronger than the love. It just isn't. And you know that's true. 

Absentmindedly, you doodle The Disciple ripping apart a gazelle carcass and you scribble it out before anyone sees it. 

**== > Plot.**

Maybe if you get her away from everyone else, so that you two can be alone, she'll work up the nerve to ask? Yeah. That is just enough meddling to be helpful and not the least bit back-firey.

Shit, lunch would have been perfect for that. You can't come up with another place other than the hallways in between classes. You grit your teeth and curse yourself for being this slow on the upkeep. 

**== > Decide.**

You will ask him at the end of the day. But you don't want to make it too obvious so you flick over a note at him when the teacher isn't looking. 

He blinks at you. Opens the note and...

Did he just smile?

**== > Reread said note**

karkitty! this might sound a bit weird but i n33d help with something after clawss! would you be willing to give me a helping paw? that would be v nice of you thank you!!!

You see a little doodle of her crouched over and you glaring down at her. She's pawing at your pant leg and you can't help but smile. You'll probably keep this note for the rest of your life because you're a sentimental fuck like that. 

And also because you know what this is all about. She's trying to be sneaky but it's not getting past you. She's going to ask you. Your heart swells with joy. 

Thinking you've probably left her hanging long enough, you take out another piece of paper and write a simple 'OF COURSE,' on it, flicking it at her. She reads it and beams you a huge, relieved smile and you think you love this girl.


	13. Chapter 13

**== > Deep breaths**

You take a couple of deep breaths as you walk slowly through the halls to meet up with Nepeta. After the initial relief of finally getting her to confront you, the nervousness started to set in. You obsessively played out how this little rendezvous was going to go over and over in your head, completely ignoring your last two classes. Would she flat out ask you? Would it be cute? Would you be able to say yes? Will she even ask you or will you be legitimately helping her with something? Would she confess to you right then? 

Would you confess to her?

Everything?

You are Karkat Vantas and you want to throw up into your locker. 

**== > Deep, deep breaths**

You had whispered to him to meet you outside of the library, and since your last class was closer to that building, you are stuck waiting on a bench outside of the library for a few minutes. This, unfortunately, gives you time to think. You go over how you're going to ask him. Simple enough. He could still definitely say no. And he could be really pissed that you lied to him! This could ruin you, humiliate you. It could also make you the happiest girl in the world. You have to make sure you keep your emotions in check. You don't want to go scaring him away. 

Watching your fellow students go back, you finally catch him at the end of the open hallway. He looks so serious and you fight back the blush that is coming tenfold. You swallow thickly and stand up to greet him, putting on your happiest, most laid back face you can muster.

"Hi! Ah..." You cough, bringing your voice down a notch. "Hey..." 

"Yeah." He says, looking away. There's a short silence as you deliberate what to say next but he does it for you. "So, you needed help with something?"

"Oh, yeah, uh... About that..." You rub at your neck and let your hand fall, looking down. It's now or never. You shut your eyes tightly, bracing yourself. 

**== > Do not hyperventilate**

You can feel your face burning up. You can see hers is just as red. This is like right out of an after school drama and your heart will not stop beating. You're sure she can hear it, the thump is so powerful. But this is about her and her getting over her fears, not you and your ridiculous emotions.

Even though it really is about both, equally. 

You watch her squirm under your gaze as she works up the courage and you hate watching her suffer like this. Surely you can throw her a bone?

"Was it about school?" you manage, surprising yourself with how even your voice sounds. 

"Kind of?" She peeks up at you and your heart drops. This is too cute. 

"Well, out with it, already." You try to sound stern but it comes out as more of a shaky whimper. Not cool.

She doesn't seem to notice as she continues to fidget. It's only a matter of time before she lets it all out. You clench your fists.

**== > Just ask it, already**

He's standing too close. There are too many people around. You are having a hard time making your mouth work. CG comes to mind and you think about how he's rooting for you and your friends also have your back and suddenly, Karkat's gaze isn't so intimidating. Suddenly, you're really excited about hearing his answer!

"Kar... Karkat, um." You falter.

"Yes?" He says it so softly, it catches you by surprise. And how he's looking down at you and your reflection in his eyes that soften, and you're almost completely sure he's gotten closer. 

"W-Well, I was just wondering... you know, uh, if no one's asked you, yet... That is, uhm, even though it was just announced, uh, today." you stutter, looking everywhere but at said boy in question. 

**== > Let her do this**

You're starting to get impatient. 

"You mean the dance?" You didn't mean to actually say it but it seems to help. She blinks up at you and then smiles, letting out a shaky laugh.

"Yes! That d... dance." She gulps. "I don't want to, uh, over step any boundaries, or... uhm, or presume anything... b-but, uh..." She trails off again. She's so close to asking you. Holding back just saying, 'Yes! Yes, you idiot. I'll go to the fucking dance with you!' is getting harder and harder. "If, you know, you still don't have anyone to, uh, go with... I'm... I don't, either..."

"So...?"

She blinks at you again before gasping a little. "Right! So, since we, hypothetically speaking, are date-less... I was wondering, i-if... if... i-i-if..."

You roll your eyes. 

"If I wanted to go with you?" You say, flatly. She looks like she's about to cry but she nods anyway and you're very, very proud of her. 

"Y-yeah!" She yelps a little. "K-Karkat! W-Will you go to the dance with me?!" 

You go silent and just take in the view. Face flush, freckles bright, eyes wide and scared, hands clenched at her sides.

Blushing intensifies.

Some announcement for band practice booms in the background and you blink, forgetting you didn't answer her. You close your eyes and let out the breath you were apparently holding and place a hand on her shoulder. 

"Stupid... of course I'll go with you." You didn't think her eyes could get any bigger. 

"Y-You mean it?" She breaths.

"No, I'm fucking lying to your face. Of course I mean it." You bite, but it's weak and sugarcoated. 

She laughs and hugs you very quickly before running off, only turning around briefly to wave at you. You touch where your cheeks rubbed and smile, very, very widely. 

**== > Race home and tell CG!!!**

AC: cg youre not going to believe!!!  
AC: aaaahhhhh im still freaking out!!!!!!!!  
AC: where are you i need to tell you how it went!  
AC: i did it, though!  
AC: i asked him to the dance and omg you were right and everyone was right and i was so dumb to ever doubt myself!  
AC: oh god  
AC: what if the date goes bad though???  
AC: what if theres no chemistry omg :((  
AC: but what if there is?!  
AC: what if he tries to kiss me???  
AC: omigosh im not ready for this!!!!!!  
AC: cg get home already so i can discuss this with you i n33d pointers on how to act around boys!!!!!  
AC: ahhhh but he was so cool about it and purrfect!!  
AC: anyway im going to go dance around and get this pent up energy out so just message me when youre home!

**== > Read messages, then reminisce**

You sigh, because the reality of the situation has finally come crashing down on you. 

You have to tell her that you're CG. Not now, not at the dance. Never, ideally. But you know that you have to tell her. Answering right now isn't possible for you. There is no telling what you'll be able to say and you don't want to ruin this happy buzz you have going on. You decide to go back into your saved archives and find the chat that started it all.

The first time she told you about her crush.

AC: theres this boy, cg   
AC: at my school   
CG: NO WAY.   
CG: SO, YOU'RE TELLING ME THAT THERE ARE BOYS AT YOUR SCHOOL?   
CG: OTHER BOYS?   
CG: I'M NOT THE ONLY BOY IN THE WORLD?   
AC: h33h33 okay mr. funny-whiskers, cut it out!   
AC: this boy is special. at least, i think hes special.   
CG: YOU DON'T SAY.   
AC: mmhm!   
AC: and hes really bristly and mean... he gets into fights but its always to help someone else out.   
AC: other kids get into fights beclaws they dont like each ofur but he gets into fights to stand up to bullies and help out the kids who are too scared to stand up fur themselves.   
AC: he gets in trouble a lot   
AC: but i think hes brave!   
AC: i havent told anyone about him, yet... not even equius.   
CG: WELL, I'M HONORED BUT THIS GUY SOUNDS LIKE A SELF-SATISFYING DOUCHEBAG.   
CG: NO OFFENSE.   
AC: none taken! a lot of kids dont s33m to like him, but...   
AC: i do.   
AC: yeah, i think i do a lot actually!   
CG: WHAT A LUCKY GUY.   
AC: hey that better not be sarcasm! x33   
CG: SO WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO ABOUT IT? ARE YOU GOING TO TELL HIM?   
AC: what?! nooo!!!   
AC: i cant pawssibly...   
CG: WHY THE FUCK NOT?   
AC: beclaaawsss... its embarrassing. x((   
AC: what if he laughs at me or beats me up or what if he...   
AC: what if he doesnt care?!   
CG: IF HE WOULDN'T CARE, THEN HE WOULDN'T BE THE FUCKING DEFENDER OF THE WEAK AT YOUR SCHOOL. USE YOUR HEAD, AC.   
AC: i suppose you are right... mrow...   
CG: LOOK, IF YOU'RE TOO SCARED TO TELL HIM, THEN I'M NOT GOING TO FORCE YOU. BUT YOU SHOULD AT LEAST TRY TO MAKE FRIENDS WITH THIS GUY. YOU'LL NEVER GET PICKED ON, AGAIN.   
AC: hes already defended me, once! he purrobably didnt even notice but some kid was stealing other kids snacks and he stole my fruit roll up and the boy caught him and told him to give everyones snacks back.   
AC: the kid didnt and the boy kicked him in the shins and then pushed him down and told everyone to rush him and take our snacks back.   
AC: it happened back in 6th grade but i still remember it.

You blink, remembering thinking you had done something similiar but you were too young to make the connection. There were so many flags telling you, 'You idiot, she's talking about you! She's admiring you! She's bragging about you!' 

AC: and hes really cute, like as a purrson!  
AC: hes got these long, black lashes and hes short and tense but i think if he were to relax a little bit, hed be really soft and cuddly.  
AC: purr purr...

Yep, there's the blush again.

CG: IT SOUNDS LIKE YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT A GIRL.  
AC: hes purretty like one!  
CG: HOLY SHIT, AC WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?  
AC: what? girls are purretty and he is purretty! there is nothing wrong with that!  
CG: I'M SURE HE'D LOVE TO HEAR THAT.

Jesus, even without realizing you're talking about yourself, you're self-degrading. It's embarrassing and you don't think you can continue reading. It's probably safe to reply to her, though. If you weren't completely sure you were head-over-heels for her before, you're definitely sure, now. 

You crack your fingers and begin to type.

CG: I'M GOING TO GO OUT ON A GODDAMN LIMB, HERE, AND ASSUME THAT HE SAID YES LIKE I FUCKING TOLD YOU HE WOULD.  
CG: TELL ME YOU WERE WRONG AND I WAS RIGHT, PER THE NORM.  
CG: I CAN WAIT UNTIL YOU GET BACK, DON'T WORRY. BUT I WANT TO READ YOU TYPE THOSE WORDS.  
CG: JUST FOR MY OWN BENEFIT.  
CG: SO I CAN LOG IT AWAY AND BRING IT BACK WHENEVER I TELL YOU SOMETHING WILL GO ONE WAY AND YOU TELL ME OTHERWISE.  
CG: BECAUSE OF YOUR INNATE ABILITY TO CONVINCE YOURSELF OF THE WORST CASE SCENARIO.

You lean back in your chair, antsy for her to respond but she's still freaking out or doing whatever. It'd be nice if you had her phone number. Texting her as Karkat would be refreshing. And now that you two are going to a dance together, you are suddenly hit with the urge to be more affectionate to her. Which is weird. You're not affectionate with anyone. 

**== > Attempt to put a cap on your happiness and fail, wonderfully**

After an insanely painful conversation with CG, and a night of sleepless giddiness, you are able to go to school peppy and running on almost no sleep! Karkat greets you in first period, shyly and you want to squish his face and give him a loving eskimo kiss and tell him how endearing he is, but social constructs and no set label to the relationship keep you at bay. You opt to just smiling at him and greeting him in turn. He looks like he wants to say more but class starts and the two of you sneak glances at each other instead of paying attention. 

He walks with you to the drinking fountain after class and you are able to coax more words out of him. Strangely enough, you're finding it being much easier to talk to him than you thought you would! Maybe it's the confidence of knowing he doesn't think you're completely lame. Maybe it's the sleep deprivation. 

\---

Days tick on by and the dance is just two weeks away. You get your dress in the mail and it fits you like a glove. You twirl around in your room, watching the yellow flow by and you imagine dancing elegantly with Karkat. You wonder what he's going to wear and how he's going to act and though the thought of him completely shutting down and not dancing or doing anything fun runs through your head but you quickly extinguish it. You bring it up with CG and he assures you that this guy wouldn't agree to go to a dance if he wasn't planning on dancing, especially with you. And well, CG has been right about most things, so far!

You also tell your friends about it. The conversation goes interestingly enough.

"And he said 'yes?!'" Terezi blinks at you, smiling ear too ear. You nod, bashfully. She kicks back and cackles, telling you she never doubted you two for a second.

"I told you, to the victor go the spoils." Vriska scoffs as if it was all because of her. It was just mostly because of her. And CG, of course. You thank her for her advice, either way. "Well, obviously! Y'all should listen to me more often!" 

"Vriska taking the credit aside," Aradia says. "We're all really proud of you. I don't know about anyone else, but I've noticed your crush for him since we were younger and I've been waiting for this day!"

"What? How did you..."

"Nepeta, come on. You're not exactly a padlock." Aradia laughs and Vriska seethes. 

"So, what? You're saying we're all stupid because we didn't realize until now that Nepeta was waxing red for the scruffy ball of frothing hate none of us give a shit about?"

"Hey, uh, I just so happen to actually, in fact, know Karkat, pretty well, I might add." Tavros mentions. He turns to you. "And I don't think he would've even agreed to meet up with you, if he didn't, for a lack of a better term, care, about you." Your chest fills with emotions and you nod at Tavros, smiling widely.

"Well, either way! We'll see how the dance goes!" You pause. "Are any of you guys going with anyone?" Because it can't only be about you! That isn't nice or fair.

Tavros rubs the back of his neck and blinks up at Vriska. You don't see it but Vriska catches his eye and looks away, quickly. 

"Not all of us, are as open about who we like, uh, as you are, Nepeta..." You wonder why, but think about how scary this all still is to you and that's your answer. 

Karkat meets you outside of the cafeteria to walk with you to math. There is a comfortable silence between the two of you and you like it. When the two of you sit down, you ask if he knows what he's wearing yet and he tells you he's going in yellow and you can't hold back your giggles.

"Karkat, you're not going to believe this, but so am I!"

He only smiles at you softly and it's the first time you can remember him giving you that look. It seems to be unprovoked and alien to his face. But, at the same time, it suits him so well. You gape at it before he returns his usual scowl and you laugh, embarrassed. 

"I guess we're going to be matching!" you whisper.

"That is disgustingly cute of us. And I don't use that word fucking lightly. It makes me cringe." He does in fact cringe and you think you're having deja vu. Before you can bring it up, the teacher starts class and you're forced to continue the conversation later.

Still, though. The uncanny feeling that you've heard that before and that CG was the one who said it floats around in the back of your mind and you begin to hear things CG has said in Karkat's voice. Huh. You wonder why.


	14. Chapter 14

**== > Mark another day off on your calendar**

You look up at the hanging calendar and take a shaky breath. Just a few more days and you'll be at a school dance, alone, with Karkat, and like a few hundred other people, but mostly Karkat. What did the future have in store for you? Would this little event lead to something more long lasting? Were you well on your way to actually dating Karkat? You flop down on your bed and rub your face into your pillow. The friction doesn't get the tingling feeling off your face as you blush violently. What kind of boyfriend would Karkat make? Would he be affectionate? You've held his hand, before. It was a soft, but firm hold. The memory makes you roll around, hugging your pillow. These are the thoughts that have been plaguing you since he said he would go with you to the dance and it doesn't seem like your brain will ever get bored of thinking about them. The only remedy is to actually experience it: experience holding Karkat, experience getting to know him better, experience kissing...

Your squeal is muffled by the pillow.

The only thing that has been getting you down is how distant CG has been. He was happy that you were able to ask. And he was happy that he was right in that Karkat would say 'yes', but other than that, he hasn't had much time to talk about other things. You don't remember the last time you guys roleplayed and come to think of it, you don't remember the last time you've even drawn your RP characters. Besides the lack of roleplay that you've noticed, there has been a lack of even seeing him online. When he does actually log on, he gives some excuse about being busy or having to go, or just getting on to check something and then going idle, that it's not only got you suspicious, but also a little bit sad. If he was on more often, you could ask him, but that isn't the case, so you end up asking the others.

TA: cG? nO, i CAN'T SAY THAT i'VE SEEN HIM ONLINE, oR, eVEN HEARD FROM HIM,,,   
AC: thats what i thought... mrrrow... :((   
AC: hes hardly talked to me since the night i told him karcat said hed go to homecoming with me.   
TA: oH, hEY, nEPETA,,, dO YOU TIHNK THAT, mAYBE, tHAT IS WHY HE HASN'T BEEN TALKING, tO YOU?   
TA: i MEAN, lIKE, hE MIGHT BE A LITTLE BIT, jEALOUS?   
AC: what??? nooooo way!   
AC: i mean, i had talked about giving him a try if the whole karkitty thing didnt work out.    
AC: beclaws we get along so well and i didnt know how karkitty felt about me.   
AC: but cg was really, really sure that that wouldnt have worked out!   
AC: he told me more than once.   
AC: so for him to be jealous... that would just be silly! and i would be very sore with him!   
TA: i GUESS,,,   
TA: i JUST THINK IT'S KIND OF, i DON'T KNOW,,, a LITTLE, nON-COINCIDENTAL, kNOW WHAT i MEAN?   
AC: i guess so...

This was troubling. If CG was jealous of Karkat, why did he try so hard to get you to ask him to the dance? And if he was jealous, then why didn't he just say, "OKAY, AC, LET'S DATE ON A VIRTUAL LEVEL. LET ME KISS YOU THROUGH THE INTERNET." You think you just answered your own question. Either way, the situation puts you in a funk. One part of you wants to continue focusing on the possibly deepening of the relationship you and Karkat have. Another part of you feels incredibly guilty and responsible for possibly hurting Karkat's feelings. How are you going to fix this so that everyone is happy? Jeez, you sure wish you could just talk to CG about it. Maybe if you message him explaining how you're feeling, he'll be able to give you some actual reasons or just the time of day. It couldn't hurt to try.

**== > Try to figure out how in the hell to fix this shit**

Instead of doing the somewhat proper thing, you have taken in upon yourself to completely ignore Nepeta on the internet. It's not that you don't want to talk to her. It's actually the opposite. You want to talk to her so badly, it hurts, but the guilt tastes like poison in your mouth. She should know the truth. It's not fair that you're keeping it from her, fretting about it so much you end up hurting her. Those seem to be your only choices. You're obviously not strong enough to keep up the charade, you don't want to tell her the truth even though you should, you hate yourself a little more each day. 

At school, she talks with you like normal. Her cheeks just seem a little more flushed than usual. But when she isn't speaking, she looks sad and it's eating you up inside because you know you are the reason.

The breaking point is a message you receive from her one night. The time stamp tells you she sent it the night before last, but you're only now getting it because you're invisible, trying to decide if you can handle talking to her without spilling your guts. You reread the message a few times, allowing yourself to be punished. 

AC: cg im not going to sugar coat any of this. i feel like you dont want to talk to me anymore. youve been really distant and its obvious youre avoiding me and the roleplay and that doesnt feel very nice. but if youre going through something, i wish you would just tell me. i always count on you to help me out with the problems in my life, id like to think youd rely on me to do the same for you!   
AC: if... youre upset that im going to a dance with karkat, then im sorry. i dont know how to make you feel better. but i dont want to assume that kind of thing either so if you could just, i dont know... tell me what is bothering you, that would be really great!  
AC: but if its just me that is bothering you, i understand.   
AC: i just wanted to know if you were okay.

You're clenching your mouse so hard, you can hear it creak under the pressure. This has gotten so messy. You've figured that if she just kind of forgot about CG, then you wouldn't have to explain to her that you are CG and that you've known who she was and that she liked you for almost half a school year. At the time, it seemed like the least heartbreaking route to go down. But, after reading this message, you've realized that CG is incredibly important to her and that losing him will hurt just as much as finding out that he is in fact, you. 

You place your fingers on the keys. 

CG: I'M NOT JEALOUS.  
AC: wh!!!!! i wasnt expecting you to answer so quickly.  
CG: YEAH, SORRY ABOUT THAT.  
AC: cg im really upset with you! what is your problem, anyway? i cant even use cat puns to express myself, i am legitimately angry!!!!  
CG: I KNOW, AND YOU SHOULD BE. I'VE BEEN A REAL ASSHOLE, IGNORING YOU GUYS AND WHATEVER.  
CG: I'VE JUST BEEN...  
CG: YEAH, GOING THROUGH SOME SHIT AND I DON'T KNOW HOW TO TALK ABOUT IT.

She tries to get you to explain yourself but you can't come up with a lie about some untrue drama you seem to be facing at the imaginary school she thinks you go to. The conversation dwindles down into nothing and you're left feeling really empty inside, like you don't deserve her, at all. But if you ignore her at school as well...

Well, there's no reason to look for more ways to hurt her. 

The day before the dance is not as hectic as you assumed it would be. Seniors take this as a reason to skip, the halls are sloppily decorated, save for the posters of Nepeta's drawing advertising the event. You linger on one as you wait for your turn at the water fountain. Gamzee finishes his drink and wipes his mouth.

"Little sister can draw, can't she?" he drawls. You don't look away but you hum an agreement. "Sollbro told me you're all about this tiny dame. Going to the dance with her and everything." You push past him and take a drink before heading towards your next class. Gamzee follows. "You don't got to be all ashamed about it, man! She's cute, you're cute. Everything's cute, you feel me?" 

"Oh, my fuck, Gamzee. Will you cut the crap. What the fuck else did that gossiping, bucked-tooth, asswipe tell you, anyway?" you spit. Gamzee takes it in stride, completely unfazed. You hate and love that about him.

"Oh, shit what in all did he tell me? Uh..." He puts a finger to his chin. "Lil' mama asked you out. You were all about it, like you've always been. But you're scared shitless because there's something she don't know about you and it could break that kitty-cat heart of hers." 

"Shit." Fuck Sollux and his slobbering mouth. "I swear to God, Gamzee, if you so happen to even mention this to anyone else..."

"Yeah, no, I got that. My lips are sewn the fuck shut." He makes a motion with his hands across his mouth and you take a few calming breaths. "But, hey, listen, my man." You turn towards him and sigh. "Sometimes the truth, you know, that shit can hurt like a fucking stab wound. And it sucks ass. But, it's better to get it over with quick so you can patch it up faster, right? So, say you got this lie all up in missy's side and every day you don't tell her, that fucking knife twists and goes in deeper and that fucking blows, bro. Telling her sooner means you can put a big, ol' I'm sorry band-aide on it faster, and it'll heal faster than if you were to wait, you feel me?"

You stare at him with large, round eyes. Did Gamzee Makara just say something incredibly insightful? 

"You should really come to school more often." Gamzee just chuckles and slaps a large hand on your shoulder. 

"I ain't really about this school life, but common sense, you can get that shit anywhere." 

Resolve fills you and keeps you full until you walk into your next class and Nepeta is there, looking at you with a small smile on her face. Gamzee's words sounded a lot prettier when the weight of the situation wasn't staring you in the face. You ready yourself and take your seat next to her. 

"Tomorrow is the big day!" she chirps and you force a smile.

"It sure is." She blinks, noticing your lack of enthusiasm. She must be thinking you're dreading it because of her, or that you're not interested anymore. She could not be farther from the truth. "Uh, so when do you want to be picked up? I got the car." That seemed to cheer her up a little.

"O-oh! I didn't know you drove!" If she had a tail, it would be flicking happily, back and forth. 

"It's not mine, but you know, I can borrow it for one night. Especially if I'm picking up my date." You can't look her in the eyes when you say this. She seems to vibrate with excitement. 

"Oh, but I'm not sure when would be a good time. I can be ready by whenever."

"Then how about around nine. That way we'll get there around the time it opens." She agrees and class starts and you day dream about dancing slowing on a beautiful veranda. There's a fountain there and she walks over to it to look at the fish. A shooting star. The teacher slaps a ruler on your desk and scares the shit out of you, your classmates laughter rises up. 

**== > Stay positive**

You have to keep reminding yourself that Karkat isn't humoring you by being your date for this dance. Unfortunately, everything he seems to say makes you more and more sure that that is actually the case. It _was_ out of pity. You hate your brain. This would be a lot easier to deal with if CG was there to reassure you and point out all of the fallacies in your insecurities, but even after the talk you had with him two nights ago, he still keeps idle and nothing he said has kept your hopes up that things will go back to normal, either. It seems both of the men in your life are acting the same way and it is really disheartening. 

The day of the dance is filled with running errands with your mom and freaking out every 20 minutes. Your mother assures you that you will have a really great time and it will be exactly how you wanted your first dance to go. She wants to meet Karkat, as well and that makes you feel even more uneasy. What if she doesn't like him? 

Late in the afternoon, you finally start getting ready. You chat with Aradia, Terezi, and Vriska. They decide it would be really cute if all of you got dressed together, took pictures and then sent them to each other so that is what you do. They even help you pick how you should wear your hair. 

AA: i like h0w y0u had it before, with the bun in the back  
AG: Oh, my God that is pro8a8ly the most generic style I've ever seen. Nep, listen if you want to woo the fuck out of this kid, you need to go one way and one way only...  
AG: Sexy.  
AC: vriska!!! im not trying to... to...  
AC: t-to...  
AA: we kn0w, nepeta. its 0kay. everything is 0kay.   
GC: S3ND TH3 OTH3R ON3 4G41N  
GC: 1 TH1NK 1 L1K3 TH3 CURLS TH3 MOST  
AA: they are really l0vely  
AG: Well, I mean, yeah. They're safe, alright. If safe is how you really want to go. 8ut if I was going with the guy I wanted to 8ang, well...  
AC: i dont want to  
AC: uh, bang him, vriska!!! x((   
AC: i just want to look purretty for him...  
AA: d0 y0u think he will kiss y0u?  
AC: oh myyyyyy!!!!!!!  
GC: OH M4N   
GC: WH4T 1F H3 US3S TONGU3  
GC: N3P DO YOU 3V3N KNOW HOW TO K1SS?  
AC: uuuhhhhh  
AG: Oh man, this is too much I am going to cry all of my mascara off from laughing so hard xxxxD  
GC: YO STFU S3RK3T  
GC: TH3 ONLY K1SS YOUV3 3V3R GOTT3N W4S FROM T4V WH3N W3 W3R3 1N M1DDL3 SCHOOL 4ND TH4T W4S 4 GOD D4MN D4R3 >:]  
AA: and if i d0 recall it was c0mpletely n0n c0nsenting  
AG: Oh, whoa hold up. Listen, if there is one thing I know for a fact a8out that sniveling ball of nerves, it's that he wanted that kiss just as much as I did.  
AG: For whatever reason.   
AC: uh guys i curled my hair! do you want to see the pictures now?

And it went on like that until you heard a car pull into your driveway and your mom call down your name as the doorbell rang. 

**== > Consult friend at the last minute**

"Dude, if you tell her at thith danthe you could very well ruin a really important high thchool milethtone for her. That ith pretty traumatithing."

"There is no good time to tell her, though. Might as well be sooner, rather than later." You undo your tie, trying again angrily. 

"Tho, you're thaying that telling her at a plathe that is thupothed to be fun and happy, ith the betht idea you've got?" 

"None of my ideas are good. I'm just rolling with it now." You turn towards him. "I can't get the fucking piece of shit ribbon to tie. How the hell did you do yours?" Sollux sighs dramatically and gets up off of your bed. 

"Here. Let me jutht do it for you, you big baby." 

There's a short silence as he ties your bow tie around your neck. 

"KK, jutht really think about thith before you actually go through with it. I know you've been thcared to tell her until now, but think about her for a moment. You will definitely fuck thith up."

"I know that!" You snap. "I know... But if I had told her beforehand, she might not have even asked me..." And you couldn't have been CG and talk her into it. 

"Tho, now that you have her trutht, you're going to dethroy it? That'th what you're thaying?" Sollux says, flatly.

"Look, do you want to change places? I'll go with you're happy-go-flipping-lucky girlfriend and you can deal with this hot mess! How about that?" You throw your hands in the air and let them fall to your sides. Sollux looks at you and you hate it. That pitying look people always give you when they know that you know you've fucked up. "I know this will probably be the last night she gives me any attention. Which is why I'm going to enjoy it as much as I can. If I don't tell her tonight, then I'll never end up telling her -- I know myself well enough. I've been mentally preparing myself for this, so just... lay off." 

Sollux drops the subject and changes it to what kinds of food they'll have and you allow it. 

Your dad gives you the keys to his car only after giving you a talk about safety and drunk driving. You snatch the keys and tell him he doesn't have to worry and you storm out of the house unceremoniously. Nepeta lives pretty close to you. There is almost no time for last minute mental pep talks before you're walking up to the door and ringing the bell. You look up at the second floor and wonder which room is hers. Her mother answers the door with a grand greeting and you're pulled into the house. This is the beginning of the end.


	15. Chapter 15

**== > Gape like an idiot**

Nepeta's mom looks exactly like how you would have pictured her. An older version of Nepeta. She is sweet and short and all smiles and she lets you in, cordially. She offers you a drink and even though your mouth and throat are sandpaper, you don't want to risk spilling anything and you don't want to embarrass yourself by downing it down in seconds. 

"Nepeta, he's waiting for you! Aren't you done getting ready yet?" You flinch as the booming mom-voice comes out of this small woman. You hear a thump upstairs and you look up.

"J-Just a minute!" She yells back down, shakily. 

You steal yourself, ready to react normally but scared shitless you'll make a fool of yourself at any time. You hear tiny footsteps patter over to the top of the stairs and she scurries down. 

You blink, once.

To say she doesn't look stunning would be a lie. She pants slightly, breathless and nervous. You can feel the anxiety and it mimics your own. Slowly, she lets herself smile. 

"Did, uh..." She clears her throat. "Did you find it here, okay?" You can only manage a short nod. Your mouth isn't working because your brain is too busy taking up her entire image and remembering it, perfectly. Nepeta nods awkwardly and looks at her mom. That must have been her cue because the older woman starts as if she just remembered something and tells you two to get together so that she can take a picture. You eye Nepeta wondering if this was her idea but the look on her face makes you think it was more of what her mom wanted than what she did. 

Nepeta's mother picks up her camera that was laying on an end table and motions for you to step closer to Nepeta. You feel heat radiating from her, but you get closer anyway. Nepeta puts a ginger hand around your arm and you can feel the blush spreading across your face. The picture is taken before you can smile and Nepeta runs over to see how it came out. You stand there like a dumbass. 

"Aw, I didn't catch him smiling." Her mother whines. "Should I take another one?" 

"No! No, this one is perfect." And you finally make it over there to see how it came out. You first look at Nepeta. She is smiling serenely and you're not sure how she was able to pull that off. You know better than anyone else that she is freaking out internally as much as you are. Your face, on the other hand, looks like your innards are being squished out of your ass and you're also smelling something very bad.

"What! This isn't perfect!" Nepeta just laughs at you which makes you even more red.

"See, mom! It really captured his essence!" Nepeta's mom giggles and you seethe. "And besides..." Nepeta looks down at the camera, smiling quietly. "I like it." And that's the end of that argument. You have been defeated. 

Nepeta tells her mom that she won't be out late. You assure her that you are a good driver and that you won't let anything happen to her daughter. She fixes a few of Nepeta's curls, gives her a hug, and allows the two of you to leave. 

The drive there is mostly silent and you feel like you have to entertain her but when you are able to sneak glances as her, she looks content as fuck and it's just you that's feeling so uncomfortable. It must have been showing on your face because Nepeta touches your upper arm slightly. 

"Karkat, uhm... Are you nervous? I mean, about tonight?" She has no idea. 

"Hell no, why?" You glance at her. "Are you?"

"A bit but, I'm just... I don't know. I'm just happy to be here." She shrugs and you have to remind yourself to keep your eyes on the road. 

The dance is being held at some swanky hotel and you find a parking space and offer your arm to Nepeta to hold onto, which makes her giddy as fuck. You mentally pat yourself on the back. 

Aradia is the first person you recognize and Nepeta skips over to her, giving her a big hug. You walk up with your hands in your pockets and Aradia smiles at you. There's a pleasant exchange until Vriska butts in and you grimace. 

"Augh! I can't believe you went with the curls! Typical." She sighs, dramatically. Vriska turns towards you and looks you up and down. "Well, looks like Vantas cleans up pretty nicely. You actually look like a respectable member of society." 

"I could say the same for you, Serket. Glad to see you don't smell like a bottle of whiskey." Vriska scowls at you and you smirk, winning this match. Nepeta places a hand on your chest and you want to melt. 

"Vriska, Karkitty, be nice! If any one of you get kicked out of here for fighting, oooohhh..."

"Oh, uh hey! Everyone! You all look really, really great!" Tavros jogs up and you nod at him. The three fall into friendly banter and you look around. Maybe Sollux was here, maybe he got incredibly sick and throws up continuously for the next few days. You don't want him butting in and pushing you to do something stupid. You have enough distractions as there is. You don't stop thinking about this until everyone is heading in and Nepeta is pulling at your arm. 

You smile and follow her in.

**== > You can't believe it**

You're here with Karkat. He looks so handsome in his yellow shirt and green bow tie and suspenders. His sleeves are folded up to the elbows and that's probably the most of his arms you've ever seen. You've accidentally brushed against it a few times and wow! He is so soft! You figured he would be. 

The music is loud in your ears and the lights are dim, save for different colored spot lights flowing over the dance floor. You are already itching to dance but your friends are finding a table, first. No one else seems that enthused about the dance, unfortunately. In fact, they look a little on the nervous side and you are just the right person to fix that!

"Okay! Who's ready to go cut a rug!" You shake your hips and Vriska gives you a dead look.

"Maybe if the music was better. Ugh, I should've known it would be this lame... Why did I even bother." You notice her glance at Tavros who blinks sporadically at the dance floor.

"I... I don't think I actually know how to dance." He mumbles.

"What?" Aradia yells. The music was pretty loud, especially over Tavros' already unsure voice. 

"I said! I said, I can't dance!" He says, again. 

"Don't be silly, Tavros. Everyone can dance!" She replies and pushes him along to go dance with her. Vriska yells something towards them and follows and you are left with Terezi and Karkat. You look towards Terezi and she gives you a toothy grin before getting up from her seat and heading towards the bar. She yells something about getting some grub over her shoulder and now it is just you and Karkat and the music shifts to something very upbeat. 

You look at him, expectantly. 

**== > Avoid eye contact**

Yeah, that's a good fucking idea. Ignore your date even though you know for a fact that is what she is most scared of. But you've never danced before. You much prefer listening to music and just zoning out rather than actually moving your body to it. 

She does want to dance, though. You can tell by how she stares towards the few who have already started and how she bobs to the music and shit, she's looking at you. Now's your chance.

"Come on." You manage. Way to go, Casanova. She smiles broadly and takes your hand as you lead her to the dance floor. By this time, more people are pooling out there and there is less reason for anyone to watch you when there are other people blocking you from view. Your self-esteem on your lack of dance skills doesn't go away, completely. You kind of rock back and forth awkwardly as Aradia and Nepeta and Tavros dance facing each other. They look like they're having a good time and that is exactly what you want for her. Doesn't matter if you enjoy it or not. Just when you're beginning to zone out, Aradia grabs your arm and pulls you into the circle of friends.

"It's okay, Karkat. Just let go!" She yells in your ear. It doesn't make you feel any more comfortable. Nepeta bumps your hip with hers and laughs. 

"Yeah, everyone feels really dumb right now! No one cares what we look like!" She yells over the music. 

"I mean, look at Nitram!" Vriska says, cackling. Terezi joins soon and Sollux and Feferi and you feel really, really out of place here. At least it's easy to lose yourself in the music and that is exactly what happens until everyone screaming in unison snap you out of your trance, again. 

"I knew they'd play this!" Terezi squeals and everyone around you seems to prepare themselves for some dance that they all know how to do. This is your chance to sneak away and get something to drink. 

Your friends find you talking to some other peer by the punch bowl and you're dragged out onto the dance floor, again. This time, you allow yourself to maybe actually dance like everyone else for a bit and it turns out that this is something that isn't completely intolerable. You can kind of understand why people dance in the first place... And Nepeta looks enchanting. You catch her eye more times than you'd like to imagine, but she smiles every time and that's a reward you don't deserve. You suddenly remember your predicament and your mood spirals down. 

"Hey, I'm, going to go get something to drink, do you want anything?" You yell into Nepeta's ear and she tells you she's getting a little thirsty. You tell her you'll be right back and you hurry out of the crowd. Unfortunately for you, Sollux is standing there, pouring his own drink and you suck it up and face the music. He's probably going to bring the whole internet fiasco up.

He does.

"Tho, did you tell her yet?" he says, not looking up from his cup.

"She's still here dancing happily, isn't she?" You grab two cups, glaring down at them. "There's your fucking answer." 

"Have you danthed with her at all? Or are you just doing the friendthhip dance like everyone elth?" He grins at you and you shift your intense glare towards him. 

"I haven't had the chance to... Uh..."

"Want thome pointerth?" He sloshes his cup around and takes a swig. You don't say anything. "Just fucking go for it. If you're not going to tell her tonight, then make it the betht night of her little kitty life. Like, jutht grab her handth and fucking pull her clothe, you know?"

"That is... the girliest thing... I have ever heard you say. And that's saying something." 

"It worked for me. I don't know what thee theeth in me, but..." He shrugs and takes a sip of his drink. You stare down into yours. Doesn't seem like it would be hard. She wouldn't resist, you don't think. Although, knowing her, she would be really, really embarrassed but once she's sure of something, nothing really gets in her way. Maybe you will. You can deal with the whole CG problem later. Just, try to be happy, at least for the night. 

You mumble a thanks and take your two drinks to the table where Nepeta is waiting for you. She pants a thank you and downs the drink you hand her. You ask her if she's enjoying herself.

"Oh, yes!" She smiles broadly and you reply with your own, content grin. There's a short silence as you watch everyone dance and Nepeta stares down in her cup. Her small voice, which you can barely hear, breaks it. "I'm really glad you came along. Uhm." She blinks and looks away, embarrassed and endearing as all hell. "I mean, I'm really glad you came, uh, with me." She peeks up at you then lowers her head with a small startled noise. 

You stand up and take her hand.

**== > Follow him, dumbly**

His hand grips around yours carefully and you are reminded at how gentle he can actually be. Your mind goes blank as he leads you to the corner of the dance floor. You do note that it is away from your group of friends and your heart starts to race. What is he doing? Is he trying to get some alone time with you? Is he going to dance with you? He turns to you and blinks, determination spreading across his face. 

"Sorry, I just thought it'd be nice to uh, dance over here for... for a bit," he half-yells into your ear. You take his other hand that he's offering and you fall easily into dancing goofily with him. Well, he more or less just kind of moves back and forth and laughs at your silliness but that's more than you could ever ask for. A few songs later and the lights dim and switch to blues and purples. You stop moving and look up, then back at Karkat. He mirrors your nervous face as a slow, romantic song starts to play. A good amount of people exit the dance floor, but the ones who do stay, couple up and begin rocking back and forth. You know you should be doing the same but being the one to make the first move in this situation is just too much to ask of you. You fidget with you hands and offer to go take a break with the others but Karkat grabs your hands and steps closer to you. It is incredibly hard to bring your eyes up to his face but when you do, they're blazing with passion (or so you wish to think) and he places a tentative hand on your hip. You delicately place your hands on his shoulders and begin to rock with the music. It feels forced and unnatural and your heart is beating out of your chest but you feel happiness swelling up and it makes it all worth it. After a few deep breaths, you relax your shoulders and smile up at him.

"Have you ever heard this song before?" he asks and you blink, a little shocked he said something, and with such an even voice. You shake your head, no. "Yeah, me neither..." He pauses and smiles, just a little bit. "But, I guess I kind of like it." You stare up at him, wide-eyed. Did you understand that correctly or did the ridiculously hopeless romantic part of your brain read that as something that's working in your favor? Is it because the song is actually good or is it because he's sharing this moment with you because of the song? You shouldn't assume anything, but he leans down and rests his forehead against yours and you could melt and cry and scream right there. You move your hands to clasp behind his neck and he pulls you closer. You could die right here. You could just die. 

**== > Lose yourself**

She smells better than you could have imagined. She's the perfect height for you. She's warm and happy and everything you're not. You don't deserve her, but she wants you for some reason and it's so tempting to just, keep every detail of your dirty secret to yourself and give her everything she wants. The only issue is you know you can't do that. You can't lie to a friend and you can't lie to Nepeta. The months of keeping it all inside has been excruciating and you can only imagine what that little info would do to you if you get closer to her and she's still completely oblivious. How long can you keep up these two personas? 

Either way, she's going to hurt. 

She says your name and you snap back to reality, blinking down at her. 

"Uhm, the song kind of... changed?" You look around and everyone is bouncing around you to the beat of a very fun sounding song. You are still clinging to her and moving slowly, so you let go and step back and apologize. She laughs. "Don't worry, Karkitty... I didn't really mind it at all." She gives you a sly look and you can feel the heat rise to your face. 

**== > Freak out, internally**

HE WANTED TO KEEP DANCING LIKE THAT HE WANTED TO KEEP DANCING LIKE THAT HE WANTED TO KEEP DANCING LIKE THAT

**== > Follow Nepeta**

You follow her back to the rest of the group and they immediately give you shit for going off alone, together. 

"So, how did he taste?" Terezi cackles and Nepeta paws at her. 

"What are you saying!" She squeals, completely red-faced. 

"Oh, don't be so modest, you prude!" Vriska says to Nepeta, shrilly. "Tell me, how does it feel to kiss the loudest asshole on campus?" 

There's only so much you can handle, and you don't want to flip out on Nepeta's friends and ruin this, so you just count down from ten and give Vriska a confident grin. She looks you up and down, trying to gauge what the truth actually is and you will let her mull that over in her head. 

"We were just dancing a little! He... He is my date, you know!" Nepeta speaks up and Terezi slinks an arm around her shoulders. 

"We know, we know. We're just busting your chops. But, for right now, she's ours, Karkles. No offense." And Terezi drags her away and the other girls follow. You are left with Tavros, who glances at you before running to follow. You decide to just let them play their little games and get more refreshments. You've allowed yourself just enough happiness for the night, you don't need to be greedy. 

**== > Struggle**

"You guys! Wait, I was serious! We were just," you say around Terezi's arm that she's choking you with. Vriska turns to you when she's sure Karkat is nowhere in sight and gives you a serious look.

"Are you going to make a move?" 

"I... What?" 

"Jesus, Nepeta! Always playing dumb! The act is fake and we all know it!" 

"Vriska, leave her alone. We have things to discuss." Aradia pushes at Vriska's shoulders and leans over you. "Well? Are you going to try to make this a real date and kiss him?" She looks bright-eyed and completely terrifying. 

"I... I don't know," you whimper. Your eyes avert away from hers. "I haven't thought about it."

"Bullshit!" Terezi sings. You gape at her. "You've been day dreaming about kissing Karkat since you started liking him, we've all been there! That's what you do with a crush." 

"Uh, hey, you guys. We don't have you push her, uh, into doing something that is the opposite of what she is, basically comfortable doing, you know..." Tavros says in your defense. 

"Shut it, Nitram. Just because you're too scared to ask me out properly doesn't mean we're going to let Nepeta let this opportunity slip her by. He's basically begging for you to slop all over his face." 

You struggle to get away from Terezi's grip again before something hits you. Vriska and Tavros? You could work with that.

"Hey, now, that is definitely unfair to bring up, right now when we have more, uh, pressing issues to take care of. Like, letting Nepeta go and letting her do her own thing, however she wants to go about it." Tavros is being very brave and confident right now and you are very proud of him. 

"I think it parallels this shit pretty well!" Vriska laughs and turns towards him. "And it's true. God, Tavros! You're so fucking thick-headed!" They begin to argue but you're attention is unfortunately brought back to your own problems. You'd much rather be experiencing this new and exciting ship happen right before your eyes but Aradia is speaking to you, again. 

"Next time he gives you an opening, just lean in and let it happen." She winks at you. "From what I've seen, tonight, he doesn't seem like he'd be willing to pull away." 

Your face is blazing hot red. 

They release you after a few more pep-talks and you wander around until you spot him walking out the back way. You don't know what's back there but you follow, anyway. It might lead to a place that is a little less crowded and a lot more quiet and that would be a good place to spend more alone time with him. 

It turns out there is a back lobby that leads out to a garden and that's where he's headed. You keep a safe distance and wait until he's sitting down to pop up next to him and scare him shitless! Which is exactly what you do. 

"Jesus, you're gonna give me a fucking heart attack." He complains but there's no venom in it. You giggle and sit next to him. "Sorry I ditched, the music was getting to me."

"Yeah, it's purretty loud in there." You slap a hand over your mouth. "I mean pretty! It's, uhm. It's pretty loud in there." Way to let a cat pun slip when you're trying to woo your date. Stupid, stupid, stupid. He seems to think it's cute and smiles widely at you. This is the most you've seen him smile in one day and it's one of the most beautiful smiles you've ever seen.

You take a deep breath and brace yourself.

**== > Try not to laugh**

You think, so that's what those cat puns she always uses online sound like in real life. 

**== > Fall into an awkward silence**

He doesn't seem to mind the lack of speaking, but you certainly do! He leans back on the bench and looks up at the sky, completely serene and unaware that you are working up the courage to plant a big, fat, wet one on his lips. 

"You know, I thought this was going to be pretty lame. And I was only going because you asked me." He pauses and glances at you. "Fuck, don't give me that face, this wasn't a pity thing. I... I genuinely wanted to come here with you..." He looks embarrassed but this information is nice. "But, yeah. I mean, it turned out to be kind of fun." He shrugs. 

"I'm glad... I'm glad you're enjoying yourself, Karkat!" You say, a little frantically, but you can't stop the word vomit. "I know you're usually upset with things, and you don't seem like you're actually happy, most of the time. So, it's really nice to hear that you're enjoying yourself because I think you deserve to be happy!" You can't believe your eyes are starting to water, it's not that serious. Except... Except you truly want him to be happy and to laugh and enjoy life. You want that more than you want most things. The emotions are just too much for you, right now. 

**== > Try to not fall more for this girl than you already have**

You fail miserably and lean in, placing your lips very softly, against hers.


	16. Chapter 16

**== > Reminisce**

If you had told yourself a few months ago that you would be kissing the boy of your dreams at your school homecoming, you would've laughed in your own face. If you had told yourself a few months ago that he would be the one to initiate it, and that he would be the one with his hand on the back of your neck, you would've told yourself to stop lying because it was mean to get someone's hopes up that much. 

Karkat is kissing you and you are frozen solid, thinking about the odds of something so wonderful happening to you and completely forgetting that when in a situation such as this, it's best to actually reciprocate the action. You ready yourself and press further, your teeth bumping behind lips. You can feel him stiffen up and relax and that gives you confidence to deepen the kiss. You lean in a little more, placing a hand on his shoulder. He tilts his head and a shiver runs down your spine. You've never kissed a boy before, but you've read enough fan fiction to know that this is about to get even better. 

Before your thoughts can catch up with you, he's moving his mouth and you're forced to learn quick as you mimic him. Your hand curls into a fist on his shoulder and your other hand grips at the hem of your dress. His mouth is warm and his lips are dry but so are yours and you couldn't ask for a better first kiss. He smells so natural and his nose is so soft as it brushes by yours. He tilts his head the other way and his other hand comes up to cup your cheek and you melt, letting out a small, content sigh. This night just keeps getting better and better. 

**== > Control yourself**

You try to be as delicate as possible but as soon as your lips met hers, you realized very quickly that you wanted to do this a lot more than you had originally thought. Your hand slips behind her neck and your fingers lace her hair and it's soft and feminine and you tilt your head to get a better angle at her. When she grips your shoulder, you can feel the heat cover your entire body and you assume that the logical next step is to open your mouth a little and kiss like you've seen in all of those romantic comedies you love watching when you're alone in your room. It's only when you start to get comfortable in your ability to kiss that she makes a sound and your nose hurts from how badly you're blushing. Your stomach feels funny, like you're happy, excited, and scared all at the same time. She makes the noise again and you can't handle it anymore. Without realizing it, your tongue juts out and you give her lip a little lick before pulling back quickly. She does the same. You blink at her, wide-eyed and not believing you just did that. You cover your mouth with a fist and sputter out an apology.

"Shit, uh, wow sorry. I didn't mean to... uh." She doesn't look too upset or even as frazzled as you think she should. Looks like you're the only one in this situation who's feeling any sort of nervousness. The CG part of you is proud of how easily she is taking this. You guess you've never given her enough credit. 

The CG part of you is also keeping you from feeling completely okay with this. 

"No! No, it's really fine! You... You don't know how happy that made me." She smiles, looking down at her fiddling fingers. You lower your hand and take a deep breath. 

"I, uh. I think I do." She blinks up at you and you let yourself smile a bit before leaning in and kissing her on the cheek. She sighs, contently. You stare at each other for a few comfortable moments before suggesting going back to the group. You agree, even though you'd much rather try kissing her again. 

**== > Attempt to still your beating heart**

You absolutely can't! It's beating so fast and so powerfully, you are sure everyone can see it pounding in your chest. He holds your hand as you walk back inside and you can still feel his lips against yours. 

"There you guys are!" Aradia says when you walk up to the table.

"Yeah, sorry about that. We were, uh..." You glance at Karkat who looks completely unimpressed with everything. "Getting some fresh air?" Aradia gives you a knowing smile and you are really glad the lighting hides your blush. That's when you notice that she's sitting alone. "Hey, where is everyone else?"

"Dancing. I'm just taking a break, for now," she says, sipping her punch. You take a seat next to her because you'd rather she not sit alone and Karkat says he's going to go find Sollux. You wave bye and he gives you a small smile before walking away. You watch him go until you feel someone's eyes on you. Turning to Aradia, she eyes you up and down. "So, it happened!" She giggles. You glance around a little frantically.

"Wh...What happened?" You say, trying to act dumb. 

"You know exactly what I'm talking about," she says, slyly. "What were you guys doing alone out there? Hmm?" She leans in and you avoid eye contact at all costs. 

"W-we were just, uh... sitting out there and talking is all." You put your hands up, defensively. "I have nooo idea what you're trying to imply...!"

"Well, how was it?" You need to learn how to lie better. She blinks at you, smiling and you give up.

"It was the single most best moment of my life," you say, dejected. "And it ended too soon."

"Oh, my God!" She squeals, clapping her hands. You look around hoping no one you knew was in ear shot. 

"Keep it down! It's embarrassing!" You shush her but she ignores it. 

"You have to tell me all about it!" And so you do.

**== > Secretly look for Sollux**

He's over in the corner, talking to someone you don't recognize and you wait until they walk away before approaching him. 

"How're you handling thith opprethive public thchool event?" He says as you lean against the wall next to him. You shrug.

"Could be worse."

"Holy shit. Ith THE Karkat Vantath thaying thomething pothitive about thomething? Thith ith a monumentuth ocaththion. Like, thtop the fucking pretheth, breaking newth. Hey everyone--!" 

"Okay, fuck off with that noise. Jesus." You shove your hands in your pockets and glare out into the crowd of dancing peers. "Can't I enjoy myself without there being a fucking conniption about it? Fuck." Sollux eyes you, then smiles. 

"There can only be two reathonth you could pothibly be enjoying thith danthe. Either you're a thucker for shitty muthic and thweaty people bumping into you all the time like you enjoy thothe shitty movieth you don't tell anyone about, or..." He gives you a knowing smile. "Or you got lucky with the thchool furry." Your face reddens in seconds and you lower your head. "I fucking knew it!" He yells out and you shush him, instantly.

"Seriously, can you just act like a normal aloof asshole for one second? It's no one's fucking business what I do with my own goddamn date, alright? And fuck you, I never said the reason why this isn't the worst experience of my adolescence. You don't know shit." 

"I think I know you enough to be able to read you better than you think I can." He pats you on the shoulder and it takes all of you to not rip that hand off and beat him to death with it.

"Whatever." Is all you can manage to say. 

"Tho?" 

"So, what?" You glare up at him. 

"Tho, how wath it?" You clench your teeth and your hands ball into little fists. You don't know if you can actually talk about how you're feeling right now without sounding like a total fucking idiot but you actually _do_ want to tell someone. This is a pretty big thing for you. That was your first kiss. She was your first internet friend. You've gone to school with her for most of your school career. She's had the hots for you for most of that time. You got to feel that passion first hand and you want to express how the butterflies won't stop and how soft and sweet she was and how stopping was _really_ fucking difficult for you. Unfortunately, his smugness ruins it and you end up not wanting to tell him anything without a fight. He doesn't need anything else to hold over your head. 

"It was okay."

"Tho you did kith her. Haha, I honethtly didn't think you had it in you. But I gueth I wath wrong." 

"Yeah, well, I did."

"And from the look of it, she didn't thlap you and tell you to fuck off." 

"Why the hell would she do that. You know how she feels about me."

"I'm thinking about the thame ath you feel about her." You shove his shoulder and he laughs it off. "You got it bad, KK. Admit it."

You return your hand to your pocket and stare down at your feet. "Yeah." 

The thought of having to tell her that you're CG comes to mind and you bite the inside of your cheek. You had been trying your hardest to just focusing on having a good time and now you can only imagine her hurt expression in that beautiful yellow dress she's in and you would really hate to make that an actual memory. You shake the horrible thought away and tell your friend good bye before looking for Nepeta. This night is still for her.

You bump into Terezi first who tells you that Nepeta is over by the back of the crowd with Tarvos and Vriska and you thank her before heading that way. Nepeta smiles bashfully at you when you walk up and Vriska gives you a knowing look. Before she can even say anything, you take Nepeta's hand, gingerly and whisper in her ear. 

"Let's ditch them before we get interrogated any more."

She blinks up at you. "You too, huh?" And pulls you into the crowd, not saying another word. She must have a lot more confidence now that she's sure you don't think she's a bother or just an acquaintance. You think about how she will want to tell CG all about his night and you feel sick to your stomach. When the hell would it ever be a good time to break the news to her? You would continue to think about this if she wasn't spinning around and wrapping her hands around the back of your neck. You stare down at her with wide eyes and her mouth pulls into a mischievous little smile. You absently think it makes her look more catlike than she already did. This is also when you realize that she is very close to you and your shoulders tense up, immediately. 

"Uh..." Is all you can manage to say.

"Nervous, Karkitty?" She purrs into your ear and you swallow, thickly. You were feeling a lot more than just nervous. She snickers a little at your silent response. You decide to go with it, you've already kissed her, tonight, what's a little more close dancing going to do? Probably make her even more happy, if that were possible and maybe give away the effect this has on your more... primal needs. You ignore that last thought and wrap your hands around her waist. She scoots in closer, pressing herself against you and you can't help but note how perfectly she fits there. She nuzzles your neck under your jaw and you know she felt you gulp this time. She plants a small kiss on the edge of your jaw and you can't take it anymore. You lower your head and capture her mouth in your second kiss. This time, you have more of an idea of what to do and so does she from the taste of it. 

**== > Kiss him with more confidence**

You do just that. You can feel him smile against your mouth and you swell up with pride. You can't wait to tell CG all of the amazing things this night has given you. But there's no reason to think about anyone other than Karkat right now. He runs one of his hands up your back and you tighten your grip around his neck as he mouths at you. Remembering how the last kiss ended, you secretly wish he'd try it again. Sure, you could try initiating it this time, but your nerves keep you from doing it. You decide to just focus on keeping pace with him, instead. 

You feel him hum against your mouth and wish the music wasn't so loud so you could actually hear him make that noise. 

When he pulls away for air, you rest your forehead on his chest. He apologizes in your ear again and you shake your head, laughing. There was definitely no need for him to keep apologizing. This is exactly what you wanted for the night. Unless he's doing this just for you; unless he doesn't actually feel the same, then he doesn't have to apologize at all. 

"The only thing you should be apologizing for is pulling away!" You say into his ear and he looks away. You laugh, again. 

**== > Start to hate yourself**

This is unfair, this is unfair, this is un-FUCKING-fair. You don't deserve to be happy. You wish that you weren't CG and that you didn't have that hanging over your head so you could kiss this girl's brains out, ask her to go steady and take her on all kinds of dates. But that isn't the case and you have no idea what is going to happen after tonight. 

Just enjoy it while you can. That is tonight's mantra. 

The last song is announced and you spend it in Nepeta's arms. You feel like you're clinging to her too much but you're not ready for it to be over. This dance ending means you are one step closer to ruining everything for yourself. 

You meet up with everyone outside after the dance officially ends and they chatter about how fun it was, the adrenaline of the night still running through their veins.

"I can't believe they played that song." Terezi says, gleefully.

"Yeah, and uh, more than once, too. I wonder who the DJ was," Tavros says. "They were, you know, adequate, considering it was a school dance."

"That is the most ruthless thing you've ever said, Tavros," Vriska mocks and Tavros gives her a stern look.

"Too bad none of us had as good of a time as Nepeta, here." Terezi nudges Nepeta's shoulder and you watch her face go fifty shades darker. You chuckle to yourself. That was your doing and that makes you a little proud. 

"Terezi!" She whines, but the group laughs.

Nepeta says good bye to her friends as you check your phone. Sollux had sent you a text which you read and reply to before slipping your phone back into your pocket as Nepeta walks up to you. You let her into your car and leave the parking lot. 

TA: tell her you piiece of 2hiit  
CG: I DON'T KNOW HOW.

**== > Twiddle your thumbs**

Karkat doesn't say much on the way home. You really hope that all that closeness didn't make things more awkward between you guys. You were so sure he would be even more open with you now but it seemed the opposite was happening. This also keeps you from starting any conversation, yourself. You're too busy wondering what the problem is and over thinking everything.

**== > Set your determination**

You have to tell her. Sure, it will ruin this amazing night for the both of you but waiting will just make it worse. Maybe she will understand. Maybe she already knows, herself. That'd be a funny story to tell later on in life. 

She will most likely hate you, though. Be real with yourself. 

She looks out of the window as you take a right down a street that most definitely does not lead to hers. She looks over at you and you just tell her you have a surprise for her. She blinks at you and smiles. You hate yourself a little more. 

At least you're not lying this time. 

You park by a playground in the middle of her neighborhood and get out. She follows suit. You sit on a swing and she sits in the one next to you.

"So, what's the surprise?" She asks, innocently. You grit your teeth and stare down at the mulch. 

"I have to tell you something pretty important. Something you should really know." She stills the swing and stares at you. 

"I-I have something to tell you, too!" She blurts out and you look at her with confusion. Does she know? She takes a deep breath. "Karkat, for as long as I've known you, I've... Well, I've, uh," She sighs and looks down, then back at you with determination in her eyes. "Karkat, I really like you. More than just a friend."

**== > Pat yourself on the back**

You said it. You finally said it. Too bad the word vomit won't stop.

"But it's not just that! I admire you so much and I've always thought of you as a leader and someone who protects and even though you yell a lot and you're always mad, that just makes me want to be the one that calms you down." You shrug, a little shaky. "I dunno, I know it's dumb but I just wanted to tell you. I-I mean, if it wasn't obvious from... f-from tonight... Uh..." You blush thickly and look away. When you are able to face Karkat, the look he's giving you makes your blood run cold. It isn't embarrassment or anger or happiness. He looks remorseful, like he's done something bad. You brace yourself for what he says next.

"I know." 

Your breathing stops and everything falls silent. Even the wind settles down and you're left with Karkat and his words being the only thing that you can focus on. 

"Y-you... You know?" You swallow over the lump in your throat.

He sighs and scuffs his shoe in the mulch. "Yeah, I've known for a while." 

"How long is a while?" You ask, shakily. 

He shrugs. "A few months, really. It's complicated." He looks up at you.

"What do you mean?" 

**== > Oh, fuck it**

The conversation has gone into the perfect direction for bringing up the fact that you are CG. She was able to find the confidence to become friends with you, to ask you out, and even kiss you. Why can't you just come clean and take your punishment with dignity?

Because you're weak and you don't think you can handle seeing her hurt. Face it, you can't handle not seeing her at all. There has to be an easier way than just saying it straight out. 

"Uh, I mean..." You rub at the back of your neck. 

"I wasn't super obvious, was I?" She asks, covering her mouth with her hands. 

"Well, yeah. I mean, it wasn't a bad thing but I guess you kind of were."

"Oh, my God..." She says, sounding pretty horrified. 

"Hey, calm down, will you? That's not why I know." You take a breath. "Fuck, this is so dumb, this whole situation. Ah, no! That's not what I mean! Shit.. uh," You run your fingers through you hair and take another deep breath. 

"Hey, Karkat..." You blink and look over at her. "Just tell me one thing." she looks back at you and you are trapped. "Do you feel the same about me?" 

It wasn't even a question. "Yeah." She blinks at you and smiles and you crumble. 

"F-For how long?" She asks, her voice getting more excited. 

You shrug. When did your feelings change? It was so gradual, you can't recall what it was that made you fall for her. It was just getting to know her as a person that helped you come to terms with all of this. The fact that she was so passionate about you was also a factor. You tell her that and she smiles down at the ground. 

"This is so surreal. I never thought that this would happen. Jeez, wait until I tell CG this." She chuckles.

You stare at her, wide-eyed. What will your response be? It seems like the universe just keeps pushing you to tell her. Will you continue to hold it off? It seems like your mouth is just running on auto-pilot, now. 

"Oh, CG is one of my internet friends who was also a confidante. I basically told him everything..." She looks away, then back at you. You tense up, instantly. "He was also completely sure that you would feel the same for me. Man, he's never going to let me live it down."

Shit.

"Nepeta, I--" You stop yourself. If you tell her now, then you'll have to drive an incredibly upset and angry Nepeta home. This was a bad idea. You should have just taken her home, said goodnight and be on your merry way. But then this is you you're talking about and you suck at everything, so.

You correct yourself and tell her you just wanted to tell her that you had feelings for her as well and that you should take her home before you mom gets too angry with both of you. She hops off of the swing and takes your hand as you walk back to the car. She's already completely comfortable with being close with you and you wish you could enjoy it. 

Her house isn't far from the playground and you're there in less than a few minutes. You offer to walk her to the door and she complies. 

"This was probably the best night of my life. And it's all thanks to you." She says when you reach her front door.

"You're the one who asked me, so thank yourself." You say sarcastically, but there is no venom behind it and she just laughs. 

There's a small silence as she obviously waits for something from you. 

You sigh and lean in to kiss her. She rises up on her toes to meet you half way and you wish you could kiss her all of the time. She grips the front of your shirt and pulls you down further as she leans against her front door. You prop yourself up with your forearm as you cup her face with your other hand. She makes a soft moan and you see stars. All inhibition leaves as you kiss her for the third time that night. It seems that every time your lips meet, there is less worry stopping you from keeping it going. You notice every movement she makes, you feel her hands on your chest and her breath on your cheek as you move away to kiss at her jaw and neck. She runs her hands up your chest and wraps them around your neck and God, you don't deserve this perfect moment. You don't deserve to kiss her skin or hear her make pleasurable noises. You translate your annoyance with yourself into making her feel good and it comes across as a little too hot for the evening, but she doesn't stop you. She just whispers your name and you lose your mind. You press her against the door as you kiss her again. This time, you lap at her bottom lip and her tongue licks back and you think you grunted out loud but you can't be too sure. Your lips lock and you hope that you can french kiss as easily as you can regular kiss. 

She pulls back to breath and you bonk your forehead against hers. She pants and lets out a breathy laugh before telling you that it gets more intense every time. You apologize for the umpteenth time. She tells you she had better go now and you let her, only after giving her a hug and whispering, "I told you I was dumb," into her ear.

**== > Wonder what the hell that was about**

You would love to but you're too busy running on the afterglow of the evening. Still, it was a strange thing for him to say and that night you have an unsettling dream that CG tells you he's in love with you and that he shouldn't have helped you with Karkat. But in the dream, instead of seeing his text on your screen, you are video chatting and after a while of him talking to you, you realize that he looks exactly like Karkat. 

You wake up panting and it's almost noon. The alarm clock says it's 11:48 and you flop back down, rubbing at your forehead. You can recall CG telling you that he was dumb after you told him it would be just easier to be with him. Your blood feels cold in your veins and you tell yourself that that isn't possible. That it's just you and your imagination getting the best of you. 

You press the palms of your hands against your closed eyes and rub the sleep away, ignoring the thoughts about CG and Karkat and trying desperately to focus on last night and how wonderful it was. 

When you get online, CG is on and you get a message.


	17. Chapter 17

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> SUPER SHORT CHAPTER. But don't worry, I have a plan.  
> The next chapter will be up fairly soon since I'm going to be starting it as soon as I post this one so don't be angry with me. I'm just trying to get the sads flowing. Everyone loves to have their heart wrenched out, right? 
> 
> That's a thing KarNep shippers are into, right?
> 
> Guys?

**== > Fuck up**

CG: AC, THERE IS SOMETHING REALLY IMPORTANT THAT I NEED TO TELL YOU, THAT I SHOULD HAVE TOLD YOU A REALLY LONG TIME AGO. 

Your fingers stop typing and you hit the backspace key angrily, starting over.

CG: NEPETA, I HAVE TO TELL YOU SOMETHING THAT I SHOULD HAVE TOLD YOU A LONG TIME AGO.   
CG: IT WILL ALSO EXPLAIN WHY I KNOW YOUR ACTUAL NAME.

This sounds so fucking stupid. You backspace again and start over.

CG: I HAVE TO ADMIT SOMETHING TO YOU AND IT'S GOING TO MAKE ME SOUND LIKE THE WORST FUCKING PERSON IN THE WORLD AND I KNOW YOU WILL DEFINITELY HATE ME AFTER YOU'RE DONE READING THIS BUT IT ISN'T FAIR TO KEEP IT FROM YOU, ANY LONGER. I'M JUST GIVING YOU THIS DISCLAIMER IN HOPES THAT YOU WILL BE EVEN REMOTELY PREPARED FOR WHAT I AM ABOUT TO TELL YOU. IT'S NOT A JOKE, IT'S NOT ME OVERREACTING OR RANTING ON ABOUT SOMETHING INANE LIKE I USUALLY DO. THIS IS SERIOUS. AND I'M SHAKING EVEN TYPING THIS TO YOU, BUT JUST HEAR ME OUT.  
CG: FOR A WHILE NOW, I'VE KNOWN THAT THE GUY YOU LIKED WAS NAMED KARKAT.   
CG: THERE, I FUCKING SAID IT.   
CG: AND IT'S NOT BECAUSE AT SLIPPED UP AND SAID HIS NAME. I FIGURED IT OUT A LITTLE BEFORE THAT.  
CG: SHIT, I EVEN KNOW AT IS TAVROS. I MIGHT AS WELL BE AS COMPLETELY REAL WITH YOU AS POSSIBLE. YOU DON'T DESERVE TO BE LEFT IN THE DARK BECAUSE I'M A FUCKING IDIOT AND ALSO A GOD DAMN COWARD.   
CG: I'M LEGITIMATELY TERRIFIED THAT I WILL NEVER BE ALLOWED TO SPEAK WITH YOU, AFTER THIS. AND IT REALLY RIPS ME APART INSIDE BECAUSE.  
CG: WELL.

You stop typing and think it over. You have nurtured these precious feelings for this girl for a while and now that you've finally gotten her, you are throwing it all away. Your eyes prick but you forcefully ignore it.

CG: GOD, THIS IS SO FUCKING HARD FOR ME, YOU HAVE NO IDEA.   
CG: IT'S HARD BECAUSE I DON'T WANT TO MAKE YOU UPSET AND I DON'T WANT YOU UPSET WITH ME BUT ME DRAGGING IT ALONG LIKE I'M DOING RIGHT NOW IS JUST MAKING IT WORSE. OKAY.  
CG: JUST.  
CG: JUST KNOW THAT I COMPLETELY UNDERSTAND IF YOU NEVER WANT TO SPEAK WITH ME AGAIN. IN FACT, I EXPECT IT. THERE IS NO REASON FOR YOU TO BE OKAY WITH ME EVER AGAIN AND I AM WILLING TO TAKE THAT PUNISHMENT WITH AS MUCH DIGNITY AS POSSIBLE.  
CG: THE REASON I KNOW HIS NAME IS KARKAT IS BECAUSE.  
CG: WELL, HE'S ME.  
CG: NEPETA, I DIDN'T KNOW UNTIL A FEW MONTHS AGO, BUT I AM THE KARKAT YOU KNOW AND THE ONE YOU LIKE. YEAH. THE ONE YOU GO TO SCHOOL WITH. 

'The one you kissed last night.' You think, but it's too corny to add to the message. No reason to rub salt on the wound.

CG: I DIDN'T TELL YOU SOONER BECAUSE I DIDN'T KNOW HOW. AND I DIDN'T TELL YOU IN PERSON BECAUSE I'M A PIECE OF SHIT WHO CAN'T SEEM TO DO ANYTHING EVEN MINUTELY RIGHT. I SHOULD HAVE TOLD YOU WHEN I FIRST FOUND OUT BUT I WAS AFRAID YOU WOULD BE TOO WEIRDED OUT TO TALK TO ME AND THEN WHEN I FOUND OUT I WAS THE GUY WHO HAD ALWAYS LIKED, I WAS EVEN MORE TERRIFIED OF SCARING YOU AWAY.  
CG: I SHOULD HAVE GIVEN YOU MORE CREDIT.  
CG: BECAUSE EVEN THOUGH I WAS HELPING YOU GET CLOSER TO ME, I WAS STILL SCARED OF WHAT WAS GOING TO HAPPEN AND BEFORE I KNEW IT, YOU WERE EXACTLY HOW I ALWAYS IMAGINED YOU WOULD BE. AND WE GOT ALONG GREAT AND.  
CG: WELL, I MIGHT HAVE ABUSED THE SECRET TO GET YOU TO GET EVEN CLOSER TO ME.  
CG: JESUS CHRIST, I AM LITERALLY THE WORST PERSON IN THE WORLD.  
CG: AND I'M SORRY.  
CG: LIKE, FROM THE BOTTOM OF MY SHRIVELED, SICKLY GROTESQUE HEART.  
CG: I KNOW THIS WILL RUIN ANY SORT OF RELATIONSHIP WE WERE BUILDING AND THAT FUCKING SUCKS BECAUSE I WASN'T JUST PUTTING UP WITH YOU TO MAKE YOU HAPPY. I STARTED TO REALLY FUCKING LIKE YOU ALMOST IMMEDIATELY AND THIS SUCKS SO HARD TO WRITE BUT KEEPING IT INSIDE AND KEEPING THIS DOUBLE LIFE IS WORSE THAN COMING CLEAN AND BEING REAL WITH YOU.  
CG: I WILL UNDERSTAND COMPLETELY IF YOU NEVER WANT TO TALK TO ME AGAIN. YOU DON'T EVEN HAVE TO REPLY.   
CG: I JUST WANTED YOU TO KNOW.  
CG: I'M SORRY.

That is when you notice the back of your hand is wet and you, Karkat Vantas, cry for the first time since you can remember.


	18. Chapter 18

**== > Force yourself to think.**

You must have read it wrong. Yeah, that's it. You just thought the message from CG said he was actually Karkat because you had that dream and they're both important people in your life, so your mind is just making you think that's what he said. You're sure that if you reread it, you'll see that you were wrong and it's just something about the roleplay, or maybe he had something bad happen on his end and needed to talk to someone about it. Yeah! That's it!

Except it's not. 

In this message, CG reveals to you that his name is Karkat-- that he knows you have liked him, and that he's been keeping this from you for months. 

You can't think, you can't find the right emotion to act upon. All that comes to mind is everything you've told CG about your feelings for Karkat and how you were always confessing to Karkat without knowing. And how he knew, and he egged you on, and he KNEW. 

You are mortified. 

You go through the message again, breath speeding up, you feel light-headed. Every time you told CG how you were able to talk with Karkat or-- oh, God-- or how you finally got the courage to ask him out, he was on the other side, knowing it was him you were talking about. He knew everything and you thought you were able to do this on your own but Karkat knew you were getting advice and support from someone else and it was HIM. How could he keep up the mask? How was he able to help you and act completely oblivious to your face? You think of all the expressions he would show you in class, how he was impatient when you were asking him to be your date. You were the oblivious one. You were the idiot who couldn't figure out that your oldest internet friend was also the boy of your dreams. 

You smash your palms against your eyes and rub, harshly. 

All those times you tried to talk CG into just dating you because it was more convenient. He KNEW. Every time he would talk you out of it, he was talking you out of dating Karkat. But, he was also supporting you in asking himself out. Pain throbs through your head. This is too much to take in, right now. You need to talk to someone. CG-- Karkat-- isn't online, not like you can bring yourself to reply to him, anyway. Tavros and Terezi are on, but what would you even say? Would they be able to help? Would Karkat want this spread around your group of friends? 

You moan and run your hands through your hair, pulling your bangs back and blinking at your computer monitor. You skim the message again and release your hair, limbs falling to your sides. He was scared when he wrote this. He says multiple times that he knew you would be upset, that he knew this would ruin your friendship, and that he was prepared to never talk to you again. Under your current embarrassment and confusion, you feel pity for him. If you were in his shoes, what would you have done? If you had known he was Karkat and he was the one who was oblivious, would you have told him? No. You would have stopped talking to him out of fear and embarrassment and every reason you're not replying to him right now. Does that make you a better person? Not at all. 

Opting to zone out for the rest of the day, you lay down. There is no reason to do anything right now, lest you open up the waterworks and never stop crying, again. 

**== >**

You haven't left your room since the night before. Your dad has knocked on your door and asked if you were okay. You feigned a stomach ache and he had brought you soup, which didn't fill you up at all but you don't deserve to eat. You don't deserve to be comfortable in any way. Not that you could be. 

The message had sent around 3 in the morning when you finally had the courage to write it out. You regretting it as soon as it sent. There was no way she would ever be okay with you ever again and you have spent the entire day thinking about how she must be feeling and what you should do next. Facing her at school on Monday will be torture. You have been prepping yourself. She will probably ignore you, she will look sad, and you will not be able to do anything about it. 

Pulling your blanket further up over your head, you groan. If you could go back and do anything over, it would be to not figure out who AC was in the first place. You would just ignore any signs pointing to her being Nepeta. You would go on not knowing until she was able to ask you out and you would give her your pesterhandle and you would both find out at the same time that you had known each other all along. Then you could be embarrassed and happily confused together instead of this isolated depression caused by your inability to do anything the right way. 

Your phone buzzes on your desk and you ignore it. Probably Sollux, again. He had been texting you the entire time trying to make it seem like it wasn't as bad as it was. He was probably trying to get you to give him Nepeta's pesterhandle so that he could talk to her, but that was completely out of the question. She didn't need any more information to process. You didn't need any one else getting involved. You will deal with this alone, quietly, and there is no reason to even bring it up with another human being ever again. 

Nepeta sure as hell won't be. At least your last time with her was enjoyable. Your heart pangs as the memories of the dance come flooding back. You didn't deserve even that little bit of happiness. You pull your pillow over your head in an attempt to forget the feeling of her lips against yours. It was worth it just to make that dream come true for her, even if it meant crushing your future together. 

Maybe you should call out of school sick.

**== > Try to talk it out.**

AC: hey tavros, do you have a minute purrhaps, to talk to me? :(( i am really upset about something and i don't know who else to go to, right meow.  
AC: ugh... even these cat puns are getting on my nerves...  
AT: uHH, wOW IT MUST BE SOMETHING PRETTY, oN THE HORRIBLE SIDE, tO MAKE YOU SICK OF YOUR OWN CAT PUNS,,,  
AT: iS EVERYTHING OKAY?  
AC: not really, no.  
AC: i don't even know how to begin, it's all so messed up!  
AT: iS IT ABOUT SCHOOL?  
AC: no...  
AT: iS YOUR MOM OKAY?  
AC: yeah, it's about someone we know, though... uh...  
AC: basically, i don't think i will be rping with cg anymore.  
AT: wHOA, wHAT? wHY? dID HE QUIT, oR IS HE MAYBE, nOT OKAY?  
AC: uhhhmmm weeeeell...  
AC: i got a message from him and... ugh i can't even say it, it's sooooo messed up! this whole situation is really weird! i'll just...  
AC: i guess, send it to you.  
AC: but tavros! make sure this stays between you and me, okay? i don't want anyone else knowing, yet.  
AT: yEAH, sURE,

You save Karkat's message and upload the file to Tavros. Your hands begin to sweat as you wait for him to read and respond. Hope tells you he will be able to give you sound advice that will make all of this seem less horrifying than it is. The minutes tick on and you become impatient. You're about to ask him if he's done yet when you see that he began to type something. 

AT: wOW, tHAT IS, uHHH, nOT WHAT I WAS EXPECTING, iN THE LEAST, aND JUST, wOW,,,  
AC: i know...   
AC: what do i do?  
AT: wAIT, sO, hE WAS CG ALL ALONG, aND YOU DIDN'T KNOW, aND THEN HE FOUND OUT THAT YOU WERE, wELL, yOU, AND CONTINUED TO HELP YOU GET TO, uHH, hIM,,,  
AT: aND THEN DECIDED THAT HE NEEDED TO TELL YOU, bUT HE ALSO KNEW IT WOULD, bASICALLY RUIN EVERYTHING YOU GUYS HAD?  
AC: sounds about right... :((  
AC: i can see where he is coming from but i just dont understand why he would go through so much for me!  
AC: and why he would keep it up for so long...  
AT: wELL, hE SAYS IT, yOU KNOW, iN THE MESSAGE,  
AT: tHAT HE WAS SCARED, aND THAT HE WAS, uHHH, hAPPY THAT YOU WERE ABLE TO GET CLOSE TO HIM,  
AT: iT SOUNDS REALLY, rEALLY, iNSANE,  
AT: bUT, iT IS ALSO KIND OF SWEET,  
AT: aS IN, hE WASN'T EXPECTING TO GET SO, aTTACHED TO YOU,  
AC: it's only because i'm ac to him! and i always will be! he just did all of that to make me happy and it backfired. i'm not stupid.  
AT: i, uHHH, nEVER SAID THAT, bUT,,,  
AC: sorry...  
AT: i'M SURE YOU WERE, a LITTLE EMOTIONALLY COMPROMISED WHEN YOU READ THIS, aND I THINK YOU WERE PROBABLY, dEFINITELY REALLY QUICK TO BE UPSET, bUT I THINK YOU SHOULD GIVE IT SOME TIME, aND MAYBE REREAD IT, yOU KNOW, wHEN YOU ARE MORE CALM, bECAUSE I THINK IT WILL CLEAR THINGS UP FOR YOU,  
AT: aND IT, mAYBE, wON'T BE SO BAD?

Talking to Tavros was not like talking to CG. You don't know where he is going with advice like that but you have no other options, so you tell him that you are grateful and log off. CG hasn't been online since last night and you hate yourself for even checking. 

**== > Yell at Sollux**

"Who the fuck let you in here?" You growl from under your covers. You hear Sollux chuckle and close the door behind him. He walks over to your computer desk and sits down. 

"KK, I didn't think it wath pothible to be even more of an idiot than you already are. Your dad let me in, who the hell elthe would have?" You don't give him a response. Maybe if you ignore him, he'll get the fucking hint and leave you to your demise. 

He doesn't. "You're going to have to come out from under there thometime thoon. No one ith going to let you rot away under thome quiltth becauthe you fucked up with one girl."

"She's not just 'one girl,' you raging piece of spit-filled shit! I fucked up with a good friend and someone I was nurturing feelings for. This isn't some high school drama shit, this is an actual person's actual emotions that were really fucking strong for me. I knew this was going to happen. I just knew it. And I went and fucked up, anyway. God damnit!" 

Sollux is quiet. There is no way he can say anything even remotely optimistic, now. Not that he was ever good at being optimistic in the first place. 

"Listen, I'm just trying to live out my punishment in peace. There isn't anything you can do or say that will make this situation seem better. It's abysmal and I welcome it with open fucking arms, okay?" 

There is a pause before you hear Sollux get up and then sit down on the bed beside you. You sink in and yell at him to get off, but he doesn't. 

"I don't think you fucked up. I mean, I know you don't give a thhit about what I have to thay, ethpecially in thith thituation. But, I don't thee that cat girl ever hating you. Thure, thhe might be a little freaked out now but thhe's altho not a hateful perthon from what I've gathered." He pats you through the covers and you don't need anyone comforting you. How hard is that to grasp? "Jutht give her thome time." 

Time? Time for what? Time to figure out that she never actually liked you. That you were just a childhood crush that stuck around because no one else was better. There was no way Nepeta would still harbor any sort of positive emotions towards you now that she knew how you really were. A liar and a manipulator. 

These thoughts repeat themselves over and over until your father is dragging you out of bed, Monday morning. You explain to him that you are just not feeling well and you never stay home so he should just shut up and let you. There is a short screaming match until you run to the bathroom and pretend to throw up. He feels your head when you get out and says you don't have a fever but you look horrible and that is how you weasel out of going to school and facing Nepeta the first day. 

Now, you just have to keep it up forever.

**== > Feel only slightly relieved.**

He wasn't at school on Monday. You had waited anxiously in your first period class for him to walk in but he never does. You toy with the idea of asking one of his friends if he's okay but you can't even bring yourself to do that. The rest of your weekend had consisted of doing things that distracted you from the idea of talking to or about Karkat. It worked for the most part. But when you mother had brought up him and the dance, you had shut down completely and spent the rest of your Sunday in your room while trying not to let your eyes express how upset you were feeling on the inside. Tavros tried talking you into responding to Karkat about the whole situation, but he hadn't been on all weekend, so it's not like you could have messaged him even if you wanted to. But, with the threat of having to face him in person gone for the day, you attempt to act normal. Save for Tavros, everyone else still thought you were basking in the afterglow of going on a date with the guy you've liked since middle school. 

Their blissful assumptions did not last long.

Terezi was the first to notice when you hardly ate your food. Aradia was the second to notice and she pinned it on Karkat. You wanted to slam your face down in your lunch and smear it around just to make them focus on something about you other than your doomed love life. Terezi threatened to skin him alive if justice wasn't served by the end of the day, and you would've given her that pleasure if you had known what justice was in this situation. Everything was still so topsy-turvy for you that you still weren't sure who was more in the wrong, Karkat for lying even though he didn't do it maliciously, or you for ignoring the problem and feeling glad you didn't have to see him today. 

His empty seat in math class looked lonely and it just upset you more. 

He doesn't come to school for the rest of the week and you start to think that maybe you are the one at fault here and that you should do something about it, but you can't seem to make yourself. Everything in your mind is telling you to do the things your body refuses. Even when your teacher asks you to bring him his assignments, you make up some excuse about being too busy to. Sollux volunteers instead and you glance at him to thank him only to have him stare blankly back at you. Yeah, you deserve it. 

On Friday, Sollux confronts you right before lunch.

"Hey." You get wicked deja vu and try to look around him for one of your friends who could possibly whisk you away from this familiar situation.

"Uhm..." you mutter but he doesn't let you continue. 

"Tho, I can't help but notithe you thtill haven't talked with KK about the whole cluthter fuck of lieth and thecretth." He looks down on you with intense eyes and you can't focus on anything for too long. 

"Uh, yeah... well... you see..."

"Are you ever going to or are you going to leave the poor guy in the dark forever. He thinkth you hate him."

"M-Maybe I do." You avoid his gaze and continue to blink around, anxiously. 

"Yeah, thee, thomehow, I don't buy that." 

Well, it was mostly a lie. There were still so many emotions linking to Karkat that you still aren't sure what the strongest one was. They flared up depending on which one was most suitable for the situation and who was pushing you to think about it. Right now, Sollux was getting the anger and annoyance. 

"W-Well, unlike someone I know... I... I don't lie!" You glare up at him and he steps back a bit. 

"Damn, I have to admit. I wath not expecting that harsh of a rethponthe. KK sure knowth how to pick 'em." You huff up at him and try to step around but he blocks your path again. "Hey, wait though. I wath theriouth. I know he'th a huge fucking idiot and he'th done a lot of shit to make me really hate the guy but I know for a fact the latth thing he wanted to do wath hurt you." 

"You can be the deus ex machina all you want but... but he still really hurt me, and... and I'm not ready to talk about this, yet! I'm sorry!" You start to tear up and that is when you decide that escaping is your best option. So you slink under his stretched arm and jog to the cafeteria. 

As you run away, you can hear him yell out, "Thith ithn't thome thlithe of life anime, you know!" 

**== > Shower for the first time in days**

But only because your dad makes you. The water feels good on your back as you let the water flow all around you. Eating had become a chore so cleaning wasn't even on the list of things you were going to do. The list had grown exponentially since last weekend. Somewhere in the back of your mind, there was a voice telling you that what you were doing was too much and that your dad didn't need to be keeping such a close eye on you, that you were worrying him and your friends. Unfortunately, that voice was overpowered by the louder voices, screaming of your fuck-ups and telling you how similar to dirt and fecal matter you were. 

The shower succeeds in making you physically comfortable and you can't help but focus in on the hot water and how it massages its way down your body. But those thoughts of contentment only last as long as you're able to keep the thought of Nepeta out of your head, which isn't very long at all. Turning the water off, angrily, you step out of the shower and dry off. You catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror and note at how awful you look. It reflects how you feel on the inside and that is okay with you. It's not like you have anyone to impress.

As it turns out the, the length of time your father will allow you to play sick is exactly 5 days. He tells you that you shouldn't be contagious anymore and that you are looking better every day. Which means, by next Monday, you will have to face Nepeta in person and that is the only thing that you can think about. You're sure she will cry. You're even more sure she will be angry with you. And there is no doubt in your mind that she will not talk to you at all.

Maybe you should attempt to make yourself actually sick, this time. 

Sollux brings you the work you've been missing the past week Friday afternoon. You hope that he's only dropping the stack of papers off before he leaves but this is Sollux and he knows everything and he's already bringing it up. You sigh, completely exasperated. 

"Before you even get into it, just stop. I know what you're going to say and I know what I have to do and I know that hiding is just making things worse. I know." 

"Then do thomething about it." If you could, you would have, wouldn't you? Fighting has become so incredibly tiring for you, so you decide to let him in, hear him out until he has nothing else to say and then let him leave when he wants. He can tell you've given up and maybe that's what he was waiting for. Unfortunately for the both of you, nothing he says you haven't thought about already and simultaneously doesn't help the problem at all. When he leaves, you still feel like shit and you still hate yourself for fucking up so badly and you still have no idea what you're going to do about Monday. 

Sunday night, you toss and turn with the image of angry cat eyes, crying tears because you keep forgetting to feed her.


	19. Chapter 19

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So the end of my summer and into the school semester have been super busy and on top of having little time to actually WRITE, I've also been feeling really uninspired by this section of the fic. Which kind of explains why this chapter is super short but it also helps me get back into writing and figuring out where I want to go with it. The good news is, I figured out where I'm going to go with it.  
> The bad news it, it's going to be ending soon. :c

"Nepeta." 

"What."

"You can't stay up there all lunch." 

You peer over your shoulder and down at Tavros. "I can so." You hold up your lunchbox and wiggled it a bit to show that you are perfectly capable of eating your lunch from halfway up the tree you are now sitting in. 

Tavros stares up at you for a few moments, gives up, and walks away. You open your box and stare at your lunch inside feeling ill. Memories of earlier in the day flood back and you close your lunch box, angrily. 

Karkat had gotten to first period before you. For a split second, you thought he had skipped out again. But then you had caught his eye from the back of the room where he sat and for a millisecond, you froze. Other students walking in forced you to continue walking, so you sat in your usual seat up front and never looked back again. You left quickly and you were thankful he didn't chase after you. This repeated in your second and third class as well and it made your stomach twist.

You knew seeing him would do this to you. There was no way you could feel any differently, but it was still awful. 

Your grip on the branch tightens when you realized that you're going to have to talk to him, eventually. You just don't know whether or not you can handle it today. Maybe waiting a few days, letting his presence at school dwindle into the norm again will make things easier for you. 

Your eyes scan the courtyard and you see your friends sitting at their table laughing. You see Sollux sitting alone and think that's odd. Where were his friends? Your eyes dart to the side and you see Karkat walking across the yard with his tray and you want to throw up. It would've been wiser to just keep your eyes to yourself. You're going to see him everywhere, anyway? 

But it was better if he stayed oblivious. A part of you knows he's suffering just as much as you are and that part fights for empathy but you're still bitter and angry and sad and you want him to keep suffering a little before things get worked out and you guys can go back to just being peers. Nothing else.

You rub at your eyes and tell yourself very sternly that you will not cry at school.

**== > Be Karkat**

You know she's been avoiding you all day. You know she's up in that tree over there so you don't see her. This is exactly what you deserve and you take your punishment with as much dignity as possible. This morning, you gave yourself a pep talk and make sure that you, under any circumstances, would not push her into confrontation. Wait until she's comfortable with talking about it and then, maybe...

A million possibilities flood your mind. What if she is never ready? What if she is too scared to confront you even after she is ready? What if she is ready, but just doesn't care anymore? 

No one you've talked to today has been able to help distract you or even give you good advice. 

"Man, bro you are over thinkin' everything. You just gotta walk up to that pretty mama and hug her and say, 'I'm sorry, babe. Could you ever learn to forgive me?' and like, she will." Gamzee had said lazily at lunch. You gave him one long stare, got up with your tray, and walked away. Gamzee at least had the decency to not throw your mistake in your face.

"You did it all wrong. You thould've jutht told her from the beginning and then none of thith would be an ithue." 

Whatever. It's not like any of it matters anymore.

Math comes and she sits in the very front, even you though boldly sat in your usual seat. Of course she would continue ignoring you. How could you even hope she would be okay after talking it out with the leaves she was up in all lunch break? 

School doesn't seem that important, right now. Nothing really does and so, you put your head down and attempt to sleep but all you can see is Nepeta and it hurts. It really hurts.

You clench your shirt in a tight fist. 

This repeats for the rest of the week.

And then the rest of the month.

And then into winter break.


	20. Chapter 20

AT: wAIT, sO, yOU STILL HAVEN'T TALKED WITH HIM,,,   
AC: :33 no...? im over it after pawll!  
AT: aRE YOU SURE, bECAUSE THAT JUST SEEMS REALLY, uHHH, i DON'T KNOW,,, uNLIKE YOU, mAYBE,,,  
AC: :33 i dont s33 what you mean.  
AC: :33 he hurt me and that is over with and we are both moving on with our lives.  
AT: aRE YOU REALLY OKAY WITH THAT, bECAUSE, if i WERE IN YOUR SHOES, i DON'T THINK i WOULD BE, vERY, oKAY WITH THAT,   
AT: aT ALL,,,

You weren't okay with it, and you still thought about him every day, but it was still better to just pretend you were fine and done with the whole situation to the world so there would be less pestering and more forgetting about it. Everyone else seemed to just go along with your little act except Tavros. He would ask you every other day if you had talked with Karkat yet, or even thought about talking with him. It was starting to really rustle up your fur. How hard was it to grasp that it was too painful still and that ignoring it was the easiest way?

AC: :33 seriously, tav, im okay and this is better in the long run!   
AT: i'M NOT SO SURE,,,

Your first few days of winter break go on like this, so eventually you decide that being on pesterchum isn't that great anymore. And hey, maybe you're finally growing up! You feel more calm, more mature. This must be the logical next step for you. So, you embrace it. Maybe you can get a part time job and work and distract yourself with business? Maybe you can take a local art class to get your mind off of things. You bring this up with your mom and she is very enthusiastic about it. A few days later and you find yourself in a figure drawing class with a bunch of different people and you dive right into it. Drawing and drawing and drawing until your hands are black and cramping. Now this, this felt right!

But it doesn't keep the dreams away, so you stay awake as much as you can and you wake up earlier and you keep your energy up and it's not until you meet your friends a week and a half later, that you realize you look like shit and they are all very, very worried about you.

"Are you sure you don't want something to eat?"

Karkat was mentioned, so naturally keeping food down is impossible.

"No, I had something earlier today. I'll get food when I go home." You manage.

"But, we're all eating in front of you... it's weird." Tavros mutters, looking over at Aradia. You notice the exchange but you don't comment on it.

"If she doesn't want to eat, then who fucking cares?" Vriska says over a mouthful.

"Nepeta, have you been sleeping well?" Aradia asks, forcing a casual smile.

"Yes." You look down at your sketchbook and begin drawing the salt and pepper shakers.

"You look like you haven't been, though. I mean, those are some dark circles under your eyes..."

"I'm just tired from being so busy, that's all."

"A likely story." Terezi says before taking a large bite of her sandwich.

**== > Karkat: Remain calm, like you have been.**

TA: ii'm ju2t tryiing two help you  
TA: ii 2aw her the other day  
CG: NO WAY.  
CG: PLEASE TELL ME MORE I AM SO INTERESTED.  
TA: you 2hould be  
TA: 2he looked liike shiit  
TA: have you guy2 not talked yet?  
CG: DOES IT SOUND LIKE WE HAVE?  
CG: LISTEN, SOLLUX... YOU'VE BEEN ON MY CASE SINCE THIS WHOLE THING STARTED AND LIKE I APPRECIATE ALL OF YOUR "HELP" BUT IT'S NOT REALLY, YOU KNOW, HELPING.  
CG: LIKE, JESUS FUCK. THERE IS NO WAY THIS IS GOING TO GET BETTER SO I MIGHT AS WELL JUST DEAL WITH IT ALONE SO NO ONE ELSE HAS TO FEELING ANY SHITTIER THAN THEY ALREADY DO.  
CG: IF NEPETA IS DOING BADLY, THAT IS STILL MY FAULT AND IT JUST REASSURES ME THAT I AM THE WORST PIECE OF EXCREMENT THAT HAS EVER PLOPPED OUT OF THE WORLD'S ASS.   
TA: well iif it2 any con2olatiion  
TA: ii thiink thii2 ii2 a pretty ea2y fiix  
TA: you ju2t have two actually do 2omethiing  
TA: ii know you were giiviing her 2ome tiime but that 2eems liike iit2 not working 2o fuckiing try 2omethiing el2e  
TA: thii2 ha2 been drawn out long enough and were all gettiing 2iick of iit  
CG: OH WELL, LOOKS LIKE I'M NOT THE ONLY ONE HAVING TO DEAL WITH THIS SHIT.  
CG: EVEN THOUGH IT'S ONLY MY BUSINESS AND NOT YOURS OR GAMZEE'S OR ANY OF HER FRIENDS.

Like, seriously. Just give up already. 

**== > Nepeta: Admire work.**

You look at your giant sketch pad and smile. This was a good idea, this art class. You met a lot of seasoned artists and learned how to use other medium and techniques and now you're getting better and your own drawings are improving and this is the best way to spend your winter break. You smile fondly at your work and feel your phone vibrate in your pocket. It's Tavros. Your eyebrows lower in annoyance and you turn your sound off. He can wait until you decide to get on pesterchum next. This conversation has happened almost every day, you don't need reminding. 

As you wait for your mom to pick you up, your phone buzzes again but this time it is Terezi. You give it a moment to think if this is a good idea but decide you hadn't talked with her in a few days and she might have the sense to actually be a friend instead of an unwanted therapist. A gust of wind blows your hair about and you push it back, annoyed.

"Hey..."

"See, I told you she would answer if I called." You hear a muffled grunt in the background. "Nepeta! Are you free this afternoon? You're just getting out of your art class, right? Great. We're going to get something to eat at that cool cafe. You're coming with us."

"Well, I..."

"This is basically mandatory. You're coming with us." 

"I should probably ask my mom, first?" 

"Give me that." You hear Vriska say. There's muffling and then Terezi yelling in the background about getting her phone back. "Don't worry about money. We've got you covered." You can hear the smirk in her voice. 

"Alright, okay, but I still should ask." You hang up and ask when your mom picks you up and everything is set. You wonder what the occasion is, but it's probably nothing. Definitely not an intervention or anything. Maybe your mom should have said no.

**== > Karkat: Check phone, again.**

Yeah, this was the right place. Sollux had called you and you reluctantly answered the phone. What, you had said. Are you busy, he asked. You told him no you weren't but that whatever it was, he could shove it up his ass. He told you that he wanted to get out of the house, that Gamzee was busy doing what-the-fuck-ever and that you should probably get out and do something as well. You told him you didn't need to do anything, that being home was fine. It was safe. He went silent on the other end and just when you were about to ask if his phone went out, he tells you the address of a cafe and that you should meet him there. That it was important. You give it a thought, then tell him that you'll see him there soon and here you are. 

There's a gust of wind and you pull up your hoodie to protect you from the cold. You don't see your friend anywhere outside so you go inside to wait for him. A waiter tells you to seat yourself, so you do. There's a two person seat by the window. You stare out into the breezy street and think about what you should get to warm you up. As you wonder where the fuck your friend is, you see a group of kids from your school and your eyes instantly lock onto Nepeta's bundled form. You hope they are going somewhere else. Oh, shit. They are walking into the same fucking cafe. You glance around nervously, you need to hide without making a huge deal of it. You grab a menu tucked behind the napkins and hide your face with it. Oh, what a great selection of paninis. You can hear them talking and hope to god none of them notice you, least of all Nepeta. 

Fuck you, Sollux. Fuck you and everything you stand for.

**== > Nepeta: Stare up at the menu**

You're a little hungry but not enough to waste your friends' money on. Maybe just a tea would be nice. They have green tea. You like green tea. And it would fight back the cold. There's a tinkle from the door and you glance around your shoulder to see Sollux walking in. A sudden chill runs down your spine and no amount of boiling hot tea could get rid of it. If Sollux is here, then surely...

You scan the small cafe and see a dark-hoodied person crouched behind a menu and you freeze. 

No, it couldn't be. It wouldn't be Karkat. Not at the same cafe as you. 

Sollux gets in the way of your glare and you look up at him.

"Didn't exthpect you guyth to be here." You blink over at your friends and Terezi gives you a smirk that scares you. What is happening?

"We just decided to take our little Nepeta out for a treat. Are you doing the same?" Aradia glances towards the tables and you are sure something is up. 

Sollux just shrugs and takes a small menu. "I'm jutht thtopping by to get thomething real quick. But, hey..." He looks down at you through his glasses and you shrink. "You should thtay in for a bit. It'th pretty cold out there." 

"We're going to get a table, don't worry. Oh, hey! Is that Karkat?" Vriska yells across the room. You don't want to look but you do anyway and you see him shrink behind the menu, obviously ignoring everyone. 

"Oh yeah, that ith. Hey, KK!" Sollux waves to get his attention, then walks over. Terezi, Aradia, and Vriska follow. You stay where you are, maybe hide behind this stand of coffee mugs. Just for good measure. Tavros nudges your elbow with his. You flinch away.

"No." You say, firmly. He smiles, softly. 

"You might as well, though. Uh, I mean, when will it be a better time?"

"Never." 

"It's easier to lie over the internet, but, you know, I can tell you are just scared of what will happen." Tavros looks down at you and you forcefully keep your eyes on a coffee mug. That is a cute coffee mug. So much more cute than anyone else in this restaurant. 

"Nepeta, it's okay to be scared, and, uh, it's okay to be angry. But if all of those years devoted to his friendship, mean, you know, nothing... then you can leave. I'll cover for you." Your head snaps up and you stare at him, wide-eyed. 

**== > Karkat: Plan on violently murdering Sollux later tonight**

He is going to get the biggest earful in the history of rants. You are already cursing him when everyone walks up to you. Peaking a glance, you notice that Nepeta is still by the door and you try not to let your gaze linger. A shittier part of you thinks, for a split second, how cute she looks all snug in that big jacket. You push the thoughts aside. You're not allowed to think that way. Not anymore.

"What the fuck do you shitheads want?" You say, eloquently. 

"To see how you are doing and to also make you an offer." Terezi takes a seat across from you and you lean away, grimacing. 

"I won't cooperate." You glance back at Nepeta and Vriska steps in the way. 

"You don't have a choice." You glare up at her and that shit-eating grin she always carries.

"KK, thith ith getting out of control. You're going to talk to her."

"With fucking pleasure. But it's not exactly up to any of us if she wants to talk or not." You cross your arms and glare down at the table. "Contrary to popular fucking belief, I want to make it up to her more than anyone else but it's not exactly easy when she's pretending I don't even exist." You look up at everyone. "You guys are just making this more painful for her."

The group give each other looks and Tavros walks up.

"I think, Nepeta is not feeling too great, so she left," he mumbles.

"What?" Terezi yelps. "She better not have, Tavros Nitram you were supposed to be helping us!" She motions at everyone.

"Look, she isn't, uh, in the mood to--"

"Uhm." Nepeta stutters, sounding so much smaller than she is and everyone turns to her. You try to avoid her gaze but you miss her a lot more than you thought. She walked up to the group, she is speaking for herself, you could not be more happy. "It's okay, guys..." She blinks a lot and smiles slightly and your heart fills with excitement and anticipation.

"Wh..." Vriska starts to say but Nepeta cuts her off and scoots the chair opposite of you out and sits in it.

"Should we..." Sollux starts to say, but Aradia grabs his hand and Vriska's and leads everyone out.

You look Nepeta in the eyes for the first time since homecoming and you see the dark under her eyes and how pale she looks and you want to yell at her for not taking care of herself, but you're not her CG anymore. And you're not her friend. You opt to let her control this conversation. She at least deserves that.

**== > Nepeta: Control your wits**

You're not sure what exactly gave you the confidence to walk over to them and agree to talk with Karkat. Maybe it was the option of running away that you had been, until just now, deprived of. Maybe it was the fact that he was here, that you miss him, and that your will to resist was dwindling and you're just so very tired of being upset and angry all of the time.

Whatever the reason, here you are, sitting in front of him, staring down at the table. You took on glance up when he was looking at your friends and the distress in his eyes was apparent. Your heart pangs.

Your friends leave and you're now stuck alone with him, still looking down, and regretting everything. You hear him lean back in his chair and sigh. You flinch and tear up. This was a bad idea. This was a bad idea. This was a bad idea.

**== > Karkat: Say something already.**

She looks so timid and sad and it's all your fault. You ponder on this for a moment and it makes you feel sick. You don't deserve to get any solace out of this. You don't deserve to get her back.

Yet, here she is, waiting for you to apologize, to say something that will make all of this better. You're just not sure what that something is. You lean back in your chair and let out the breath you had been holding in.

"Nepeta." She flinches and shrinks back down and you give yourself a mental kick. What a fucking dumbass, let her do it you piece of shit. "Look, I'm--"

"I'm sorry!" She says shrilly and you blink at her wide-eyed, meeting her gaze for a long, long time. She lets out a shaky breath and blinks. "I-I don't think... I don't think I can do this." She scoots her chair back and rushes out of the café before you can stop her. You're left alone and you glance around nervously before thinking, duh, you fucking idiot. Just go after her.

So, you do.

You trip on the corner of a table and apologize to the couple sitting there before running out, the tinkle of the door slamming open, sneakers thudding on concrete. You catch sight of her.

"N-Nepeta!" You yell and she turns abruptly down an alley way, you follow, almost toppling over.

She rounds another corner just in time for you to see her next move and damn, she can run fast. You're already winded and you see your breath puff out in strong, white clouds.

You're making your way towards the outskirts of downtown and you think you lost sight of her but then you spot her standing by a building, watching you before turning and running. Was she leading you?

Suddenly the roads start looking familiar. She stops a few more times so you can catch up. At least, that's what you keep telling yourself. She could just be catching her own breath. She's running in front of you down the sidewalk and into a neighborhood and you see where she's heading.

It's the park where you confessed to her and she confessed to you and your heart speeds up. You feel a pooling in your stomach and you remember everything you love about Nepeta. Love? Love. Your eyes begin to sting and you close them tightly. When you open them, she is standing in the park, panting, fists clenched and you slow down to a jog before stopping in the gate entrance.

"I thought this would be a better place... to... to talk," she says. You see the white words in the air as she pants. She turns and walks over to a swing and gets in it. You take a moment, then follow.

**== > Nepeta: Change your mind.**

Running helped.

You thought about what you wanted to happen, how you've been acting, what could make this better and you think about how you've always felt about him, how you still feel that way, how you can become happy again.

All of the answers point to him. You let him catch up, you lead him to the park, and the run gave you confidence to hear him out and tell him exactly how you've been feeling and you want to work through this. Through the embarrassment of being fooled and the hurt of being lied to for so long.

But even through all of that, deep down, you still love him.

And that is why you're slowly swinging in the park, waiting for him to join you.

"You know," your voice sounds loud in the silence park. "I was more upset that you lied to me than anything else."

He stares at you, with wide, scared eyes.

**== > Karkat: Forget to breath**

You nod, swallowing thickly.

She looks down and scuffs her boots in the mulch. "I thought, if anyone would always be truthful with me, it would be CG... Oh, haha, and Equius, of course." She giggles and it's the most beautiful thing you've ever seen. "But to find out that CG had been keeping something that big a secret from me, I... I just..."

You can't stay silent, any longer. "I knew." She looks up at you. "I knew it would hurt you, but I just couldn't... I didn't know how to..." You search for words that are not there. Trying desperately to find a way to make this right and failing miserably. You opt to just shutting up and looking down at your shoes. "I'm sorry..." You whisper.

"M-me too." She says it so meekly, you want to cry. "I'm sorry that it turned out this way and that I am so upset and confused. I'm sorry I couldn't be, I guess, stronger..."

"Nepeta..." You step forward, trying so very hard to figure out what to say, grasping at straws.

She hops off of the swing and walks up to you, still looking nervous and uncertain. You take a step back.

"Just tell me exactly how you feel. I can work with the embarrassment of you knowing all of my secrets about, uh, you... But, if you are pretending to make me happy, well..." She looks away, smiling bitterly. "I don't want that from you."

You swallow again. Of course you're not pretending. You thought you had made that clear in the message, but apparently she didn't trust anything you said. So, how could you possibly convince her now? You guess you can't blame her for not trusting you, but shit. You feel anger bubble up inside of you.

"You... You want me to convince you, huh?" You say slowly. She blinks at you, searching your face for something. "If I was lying about how I felt, I wouldn't have given you the time of day, in person or online. I wouldn't have willingly gone to that stupid dance with you, either. If I didn't love you, I wouldn't have given you my first kiss. That seems like a lot of shit to do for someone I apparently didn't care about! Fuck!" 

She stutters some reply, but you don't care. "Nepeta, I did everything I did because I care too fucking much about you. I wanted you to get the guy you liked because it would mean you would be happy. I wanted you to get to know me better. I was fucking glad you were AC! Granted, a little freaked out and scared at first, but it still turned out great." 

You take a breath and lower your voice. "But if I hurt you that much by not knowing how to handle things, and if talking to you and being friends is too much for you, I will back off. I never wanted you hurt you back then and I sure as shit don't want to do that now." You look back up at her, determined. "But I don't regret my feelings. I'm glad I got to know you, Nepeta. And I--"

She closes the distance and you feel her wet cheek against yours.


	21. Chapter 21

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is technically the last chapter!  
> I just want to thank everyone who commented and all of the support I've gotten. This has been so fucking fun to write, I can't even begin to describe it. I put all of my emotions I have for this ship into this fic and I am so, SO sad that it is over. It won't be the last one and I have other projects I'm going to start, along with an epilogue of this one!!!!
> 
> I also want to thank everyone who has done fanart for this. I love all of it. A LOT. KEEP 'EM COMING.

You love him. From his disheveled black hair, to the tip of his nose, to his thin lips to his broad shoulders to the slouch in his back. You love him all the way down to his toes and you clench at him tighter. His arms are around you, instantly and you sob and sob and apologize over and over again. 

"I’m sorry, I’m so sorry." 

"For the last time, you didn't do anything wrong."

"But I did! I am such a child."

"Both of us are."

"Still!" 

"Nepeta. I am trying to have a heartfelt emotional release here and you are the one that is supposed to be forgiving me." 

"I’m sorry!"

"Jesus Christ."

You’ve been stupid. You’ve overreacted and lashed out and you are very ashamed of yourself. He tells you it’s okay, everything is going to be okay. He couldn’t hate you if he tried. But the apologies just keep gushing out as weeks and weeks of sadness and regret come pouring out of you. There is no excuse for how you treated him. You were scared and unsure of everything. Unsure if you’ve wasted emotions on someone, unsure if you should ever try this again, unsure if you should give him another chance. 

"I-I do forgive you… I just, didn’t know how to handle any of this…"

"We can handle it together, at least." 

"I’m sorry."

"Oh, my God."

"Karkat… hey…"

"Mh?" 

"Is that one thing you said true?"

"I said a lot of shit tonight, you’re going to have to be more specific."

"Do you love me?"

His arms squeeze you tighter and you feel him nuzzle into your neck and you could burst.

"Yes."

A chill runs down your back and you can feel him there for the rest of the night. 

He walks you back to your house after both of you finish crying into the other one. He holds your hand and you smile for the first time in a long, long time. You smile so broadly, you think it might get stuck that way and he gives you a tooth-filled grin back, and you could die happy. 

**== >**

There is a brightness and you feel it through every inch of you. 

You know it’s cold out, but you’re too warm to care. Nepeta’s hand is tiny in yours but you think it was made to fit together with yours. She is a silent strength walking next to you. You are empowered by her. Everything else seems so insignificant when this was always the destination.

The walk is too short and you’re not ready to let go. She assures you that you will see her again very soon. You try to bring up the courage to ask her out on an actual date. To treat her like the princess you see her as. To show her off because you’re the luckiest asshole in the world. To make her smile all of the time. She beats you to it as you walk up to her front door. You blurt out a, yes, and she giggles and tilts her head, searching your eyes with her own.

"And this will be an actual date." She reminds you. 

You nod, dumbly. 

"I’ll message you on pesterchum when I find a place worthy enough for our first date."

You nod again, not trusting your voice to speak. 

"It feels kind of good to know I can talk to you whenever I want… uh, again," she says, absently. 

"Kind of… weird, I guess," you say. She agrees and scuffs her feet on the wood of her front porch. 

**== >**

Kiss me you idiot!

You don’t think he will. Which is silly of him because it’s not like it would be the first kiss. You think about Homecoming and how easy it was to just be intimate with him and how comfortable he seemed to be and the fact that he isn’t sweeping you off your feet and kissing you right here and now, at least in celebration of getting everything out on the table, is a travesty. 

The moment passes slowly and you get anxious but just as you think about going inside, he stops you.

"Well, I better get inside. My mom doesn’t know that I am with you, right now."

"Hold on."

Your eyes widen as pink spreads across his face and he glares down to the side and you think that maybe he really is that nervous. 

He dips his head and gives you a lingering kiss on the cheek. Not what you were hoping for, but still satisfying. You place your hand on your cheek and back up into your door, telling him good night and to have a safe walk home and he gives you a shy grin that melts all of your insides. 

**== > Karkat: Let Sollux know**

CG: OKAY I FUCKING DID IT.  
CG: I TALKED TO HER AND IT WAS GREAT AND EVERYTHING IS ACTUALLY PERFECT.  
CG: SO YOU CAN GET OFF MY ASS ABOUT ALL OF THIS. I HAVE EVERYTHING UNDER CONTROL.  
CG: ARE YOU EVEN THERE, DON’T YOU IGNORE ME WHEN I’M HAVING A HEARTFELT CONFESSION.  
TA: no iim here  
TA: ii wa2 ju2t 2o 2ure thii2 wa2 2ome 2arca2tiic bull2hiit liike how you u2ually do  
CG: WOW THANKS ASS HOLE.   
CG: BUT I SERIOUSLY DID TALK TO HER. HAD TO CHASE HER ALL THE WAY TO THE FUCKING PARK IN HER NEIGHBORHOOD TO GET HER TO OPEN UP AND LET ME APOLOGIZE.  
CG: BUT I DID. AND SHE DID, EVEN THOUGH SHE DIDN’T NEED TO. I WAS THE ONE THAT FUCKED UP.  
TA: iim more than aware of that  
CG: AND NOW  
CG: WELL, I HAVE A DATE WITH HER SOMETIME IN THE NEAR FUTURE.  
TA: 2omehow iim not 2urprii2ed  
CG: WHAT I’M TRYING TO SAY HERE IS  
CG: THANKS FOR FORCING ME TO DO THIS. YOU DIDN’T HAVE TO.  
TA: contrary two popular beliief, iim a fuckiing fanta2tiic friiend  
TA: but youre welcome

**== >**

You look in your mirror and think you look adequate. Maybe you would be cuter with long hair? Maybe if you tried to put on make-up? Both things seem unnatural and make you uncomfortable and you remind yourself that you don’t need to overly impress Karkat because you already have his affection. There shouldn’t be any doubt in your mind that he isn’t 100% sure about how he feels about you. 

You’ve been sleeping more regularly and your eyes are less sunken in and that is a plus, you guess. Nervousness has made you cynical. You smack your cheeks to push the negative thoughts out and breathe out the mantra, ‘Karkat loves me. Karkat loves me. Karkat loves me.’

**== > Karkat: Face the door**

You wipe your clammy palms on your jeans and knock on the door. Her mother answers and you feel just as foolish as you did when you came to pick her up for Homecoming. 

She lets you in, asks if you want a drink of water, offers you a seat on the couch and she gives you that all knowing look that moms seem to always have. You swallow thickly and wait for Nepeta to come down stairs and when she does you drink up her entire form. 

She smiles at you and fusses at her mom when questioned.

"We’re going to just be downtown, I told you that!" She whines, obviously embarrassed. Her mother laughs and ruffles her hair and she whines again and fixes it back in place. Not that it matters with the wild curls she has, anyway. 

"Let’s just go…" She says, grabbing your arm and leading you out of the door. She sticks her tongue out at her mom when you hear her mention something about when she was your age.

She walks you to your car and you unlock it and get in and she tells you where to go. It’s a tea shop on the other side of town and you make a note to remember that she really likes tea. She leads you to a small table in the corner and you think this is a lot like the day the two of you made up. 

Nepeta gives you tea suggestions and you trust her and order your tea. It turns out to be delicious.

"Whoa, that is actually really good," you say, eyebrows raised. 

"Did you doubt me?" She accuses you, laughing.

"Doubt is a strong word. Let’s just say I was skeptical," you reply smoothly. 

"Stiiiill…" she says, coyly sipping her tea. You can smell it’s sweetness when she blows on it. The scent will forever be connected to her. 

Nepeta ends up paying, after arguing with you for a full five minutes. This is _her_ date, she says stubbornly. It’s her date and she is treating you, so you had better just suck it up and deal with it. You do. 

She leads you to an arcade and challenges you to a couple of games. 

"It’s somewhere back here, by all of the pinball games." 

"I seriously don’t think I’ve ever heard of this, before. Are you making this shit up?"

"I am telling you! There is this medieval game where you just answer really outdated trivia. It’s really charming. There!" She jogs over to it and you walk over, eyeing it with curiosity. Sure enough, there is a game with goblins and dragons and scantily clad women all over the front and sides. She slides in a few quarters and starts the game up.

Most of the questions are about things from before your time but Nepeta knows a lot from just playing it often. 

"I used to look them up on my phone. Vriska is super quick at picking the right answer. So, between the two of us, along with Tavros and Terezi shouting answers, we’ve made it to the very end a few times." 

"What the fuck there are ninjas?" 

"Hahaha!" 

**== > Nepeta: Lose at pool**

Karkat ends up being really good at pool. You were going to let him win but it seems like he didn’t need that little boost at all!

You’ll get him back at Big Buck Hunter.

**== >**

"I can’t believe I got enough tickets to actually get something. That is a fucking first. Do people still use arcade tickets? I feel like the guy was just happy to get rid of some of that shit." You look at the fuzzy key chain and wonder what you should do with it. It’s red and glows when you hit it. That was all you could afford. 

Nepeta rolls her new sushi eraser in her hand and smiles. “I used to get little toys from there all of the time. I don’t even remember the last time I was there, honestly. I think it was before sophomore year.” 

"Did you have fun, at least?" You glance at her.

She looks forward for a moment then up at you, smiling softly. “Yeah.”

The date ends with the two of you awkwardly at her front door, again. You should work up the courage to kiss her— like _really_ kiss her. You don’t know why it’s so hard this time around. Maybe it’s because it’s expected of you. Maybe you’re afraid you won’t be able to stop. While you’re busy having an inner monologue wondering how you can not fuck this up, Nepeta works up her own courage. 

She grabs the front of your jacket and pulls you down and presses her lips to yours, firmly. Calculated. Unnaturally. You don’t want to kiss this way. 

Braving the possibility of making this last longer than it should, you slink your hand behind her head and tilt it to the side, deepening the kiss, opening your lips and mouthing at her. She follows hungrily and you fight to keep your knees from buckling. 

Surprisingly, she juts her tongue out and licks your lower lip quickly before pulling back and you are brought to the physical plane in a daze. 

She laughs, nervously, rubbing at her neck and stepping back. You wonder how long you were locking lips. Maybe that was why she seems so embarrassed?

"I’ll do more if you be my boyfriend." She says this with a coy wink and a sensual allure you didn’t know she had. And she backs up, opens her front door and slips behind it. 

You are left to gape and fight off the unsanctimonious thoughts you didn’t think you would ever have about her.

**== > Nepeta: Tell your friends**

"Finally! Jesus, I thought you were gonna pussyfoot — don’t you even say anything — around this whole situation forever…" Vriska drawls, lazily. Exasperated by everything. 

You giggle.

"Well, I’m glad everything got, you know, sorted out and things seem to be better than just that. Uh, right?"

You nod, enthusiastically.

"So when’s the wedding?" Terezi drops her arms around you and you laugh, visibly blushing. 

"Stop it," you giggle. But it does feel nice to be open about how you feel. No more secrets, no more telling CG everything— well, you still technically tell him everything, but there are no secrets. Karkat ends up being a really, really great boyfriend. 

"Just make sure you wrap it before you tap it, if you know what I mean."

"Vriska, how could that possibly mean anything else than what it does?" 

"Guys, we’re only, uh, seventeen…"

"Oh, my God, Tavros. You are such a virgin piece of shit. If I had a boyfriend, I would be doing whatever I wanted with him. God knows how long Nepeta’s been wanting to hit that." Vriska motions over to Karkat.

To Nepeta’s mortification, he looks up and gives your group a dark and suspicious glare. He knows they are giving you a semi-hard time. 

"It’s none of our business." Aradia says, keeping the peace. "But if you do want to talk about anything like that, go to anyone but Vriska." 

"Excuse you!" 

Holy crap, you still ship it. 

**== > Karkat: Encourage your girlfriend**

CG: IT LOOKS GREAT.  
AC: :33 you’re just saying that to make me f33l better! x((  
CG: UH. HELL NO I’M NOT. IT LOOKS REALLY GOOD AND YOU’RE DEFINITELY GOING TO BLOW THEM AWAY WITH THIS.  
CG: MIGHT I REMIND YOU HOW THEY REACTED TO YOUR YEARBOOK DESIGN.  
CG: AND YOUR HOMECOMING DESIGN.  
CG: AND YOUR DESIGN FOR SGA.  
CG: AND YOUR BANNER FOR THE SPRING PLAY.  
AC: :33 okay okay! i get it pawlready… j33z…  
CG: YOU’RE JUST NERVOUS, IS ALL. IT’S HONESTLY THE SAME QUALITY AS EVERYTHING ELSE. UNLESS SOMEONE COMES OUT OF A FUCKING LEFT FIELD AND SUBMITS SOMETHING, YOU DON’T HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT THEM NOT USING IT.  
AC: :33 i guess so…  
CG: HAVE I EVER STEERED YOU WRONG.  
CG: I HAVE BEEN NOTHING BUT PERFECT AT CRITIQUING YOUR WORK.  
CG: FOR YEARS, I MIGHT ADD.  
AC: :33 h33h33!  
CG: SO, JUST GO ALONG AND TRUST ME ON THIS. NOTHING SHOULD CHANGE JUST BECAUSE I’M ALSO KARKAT.  
AC: :33 you’re right.   
AC: :33 speaking of which…  
AC: :33 we’re going, right?  
CG: DON’T BE DUMB.

You smile down at your keyboard.

CG: OF COURSE WE’RE GOING.

**== > Apologize to Karkat for ever doubting him** He takes his apology with some stolen kisses behind the gym. You swear, your face has been red the entire day.

You go dress shopping with Vriska and Aradia. Vriska pics out the shortest dress you’ve ever seen and Aradia argues that you won’t even be allowed to walk into prom looking like that. You try it on, anyway. Mostly because you want to see how it would look. But also to send Karkat pictures of it. 

You won’t show him the one you eventually pick.

CG: THAT IS… NICE.  
CG: ARE YOU SURE?  
CG: I MEAN IT MIGHT BE A LITTLE TOO  
CG: SHIT  
CG: REALLY????  
AC: :33 vriskers says i should look hot for prom  
AC: :33 getting a little hot under the collar, karkitty? ;33  
CG: TELL *VRISKERS* TO FLOG HERSELF WITH A COAT RACK.  
CG: …AND YES.

You eventually pick out a long gown. Aradia says it’s classic, affordable, and appropriate for the occasion and you agree. Vriska ends up buying the first dress you tried on and you think it suits her more. Aradia says she has a dress and was just along for the ride. But you think it was to keep an eye on Vriska and make sure she didn’t manipulate you into getting something that wasn’t, well, you. 

Everyone should just give you the benefit of the doubt, you think.

**== > Karkat: Have massive deja vu**

You find yourself in a nice shirt and slacks, sitting on Nepeta’s couch, talking easily with her mother, yet again.

You’ve gotten to know her mom in the last few months. She seems to trust you with her daughter. She might even like you, which would still surprise you, no matter how much Nepeta thinks you over-analyze things. 

Nepeta only has you waiting a few minutes before she descends in glorious olive green sparkles and draping. Somewhere in the back of your mind, you think that it probably isn’t as expensive as it looks but she looks angelic. 

Her mom makes a sobbing noise to your left. 

"Oh, Nepeta…" She puts her palm to her chest and wipes away tears before hurrying you to stand up so she can take pictures. 

"Is it really that startling?" She whispers as you hold her hands and face the camera. 

You lean down. “You look presentable. It’s kind of shocking— Ow!” She elbows you as her mother snaps a picture. 

**== >**

Karkat lets you out of the car and whisks you away and you no longer feel nervous about the label. You show him off and you gush about him to your friends and they compliment each other’s dresses and you dance and dance until your feet feel like they’re going to fall off. 

He is charming and funny and happy and it is just so amazing. 

You used to worry about CG. You wanted to be able to be there for him when he was upset, when he was angry at everything and didn't have a way to release all of the pent up rage inside him. And now, here you are. In his arms, hearing him chuckle as you make a cat pun. Listening to his voice as he speaks just like CG does. Knowing he feels exactly the same about you.

And, you truly feel fortunate.


	22. Epilogue

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's officially over!!!!!!  
> I'm going to go cry now!

**== >**

"And if they click on the file..."

"Bam. Virus."

"Karkat, this is so dumb."

"It's dastardly, is what it is!"

"It's mean and dumb!"

"Hey, I'm not actually going to send it to anyone, it's just for fun."

"This is what you do for fun...?"

Karkat pushes away from the desk and gives you a incredulous look. You twist your torso, head still propped up on your hand and scrunch up your nose. You stick out your tongue and he threatens to pull it out. You laugh, stand up and move over to him, he watches, glaring up at you.

"Oh, Karkitty. You don't have to prove to me that you can make a big, mean virus. I already think you're smart."

"Who said I was trying to impress you?" He says, but you see the slight smile on his lips.

"Oh man, it is so obvious, even Gamzee would probably notice."

He rolls his eyes and you nuzzle your nose against his.

"When is your dad coming home."

"I dunno. Couple of hours?" He says offhandedly, but you can see he is nervous. You think back to the day before and the advice you had gotten.

You had found Vriska out by the gym and she gave you a long, thoughtful look before standing up from her crouched position. She asked you why you had wanted to meet up and it took you a while to make up the courage to even begin to explain. Basically, she was the only person you could think of to talk with. It was a touchy subject and you trusted her to know more about it than anyone else in your group.

Vriska didn't seem like a virgin to you.

"Whaaaaaaaat?" she whined.

"I thought, you know... you would be able to help... in that aspect?" you muttered, fidgeting with your backpack straps and looking anywhere but her face. She's silent for a while before letting out a long, shrilly laugh.

"I can't believe you, of all people, are ready to slap bellies with Karkat, of all people! Oh, shit, this is fucking rich!" she wheezes and you puff your cheeks out, glaring at her.

"W-Well, we've been dating for months! I figured it was the next step."

Vriska looks at you through tears and finally composes herself. "You're serious." You nod once. "Well, shit I mean if you think you're ready then just fucking try it out? I don't see what I could say to possibly help you. Unless you don't know where his dick is going."

"No! No... I know that stuff... Just, how... how do I get to that point?"

"Shit, Nepeta don't you watch porn? I know you have got to have seen or read some of it, you're a fucking furry."

"I just roleplay! And it's never gotten... gotten to that..." You look away, your face hurting from how red it must be.

Vriska crouches back down and motions for you to follow.

"Okay, you didn't hear this from me, but..." She leans over and whispers in your ear and you cannot believe what you are hearing.

You spend the rest of your night reading up on things before getting too embarrassed and going to sleep.

You wake up to a text from Karkat asking if you wanted to come over and chill for the day since he has the house to himself. The first thought that runs through your head is, "There is a God."

**== >**

It's not like you were a little excited when your dad told you that he had to go into work on his day off. It's not like your first thought was to have your girlfriend come over so you could have some uninterrupted alone time. It's not like you were using this to deepen the relationship because you have needs and you've seen signals from Nepeta that she was ready too, and you really hope you're not over-analyzing things.

Nothing about her visit seemed out of the ordinary. You made her lunch, you played video games, you showed her your latest virus, she started straddling you on your-- wait a minute.

Your entire body freezes. You thought you had the upper hand here. You just didn't know when the perfect time would come, but here she is, kissing you, taking initiative and you can't do a damn thing because you're shocked?

**== >**

Oh, God. Why isn't he reacting?

You pull back and look at him, horrified. This was too much. You fucked up, you fucked up, you fucked up.

"S-Sorry! I don't... I don't know what came over me! I, uh..." You slide off of him and sit on his bed, apologizing, mortified. He seems to snap out of his daze.

"Wait, what? No. Nep..." He gets up and runs his hands through his head, looking nervous as all hell. "You didn't have to... You know..."

"You're right I shouldn't have! I'm sorry! I don't want to force you into anything," you cry out. He blinks at you with huge eyes.

"Whoa, I never said you were forcing me." Your head snaps up and you stare back at him. His shoulders droop as the tension leaves him and he walks over to you. "You definitely weren't forcing me." He leans down and gives you a kiss.

"Karkat, I... I'm ready!" You gulp. He sits down next to you and gives you a stern look.

"I'm not prepared, but we can... you know, there are other things..."

Condoms. You smack yourself in the forehead. Duh! Now that you think of it, all of that fan fiction you read last night only helped with foreplay, it didn't have realistic sex at all. Augh. But wait...

"You mean, like..." You put a hand on his thigh, you can't seem to say the words. Karkat bites his lip and nods once.

**== >**

Nepeta leans in and kisses you light on the mouth. You let your eyes drift slowly close and it feels like you're kissing for the first time, again. Every move she makes, you notice. Every soft sigh, you hear. You are on high alert and she feels amazing in your mouth.

As quickly as she leaned in and started the kiss, she eases you on your back, tentatively, like she still isn't sure if this is okay. You don't make any sudden movements because you don't want to scare her away. But getting you on your back seems to have boosted her courage because he lips start to move more surely and you are trying to keep up.

Her hands move down your chest and you move your hands up her back, in time. Your pinky may have accidentally caught at the hem of her shirt and pulled it up a bit but that just seems to fuel her fire. You marvel at the fact that Nepeta is on top of you, nibbling at your ear, running her hands up your chest, now, underneath the shirt, and you're running your hands up her bare back. You feel the muscles ripple as a chill goes through her and she sits up, looking down at you.

All you can do is pant and stare back.

**== >**

This shirt is in the way.

You cross your arms and grip the hem, pulling it over your head in one smooth motion. You shake your head to get your hair back in place, but per usual, it just sticks out in every way. Karkat snorts and laugh before noticing, oh yes, you do indeed have your shirt off. And yes that is your bra and your stomach and you feel a stirring in his pants.

That's probably a good sign.

You smirk and lean back down, catching his mouth in another rough, rushed kiss. He moans and his hands are back on you, feeling every inch, smoothing over soft skin. They don't ever stop in one place for long. He feels hungry.

You're focusing too much on what his hands are doing and forgetting that you have hands as well and they are just as needy!

**== >**

You're probably sweating, but you can't care about that right now. You're probably being ultra clumsy, but she doesn't seem to notice. Nepeta is writhing on top of you. Your hands keep catching on her bra but she'd take it off when she's ready. You hands travel lower down her back and you find her shorts and it's like a whole new world to discover. You rub her all around and her hips sway and her back arches and you give yourself a mental high-five. No time for self-criticism when you have a squirming, lusting girl on top of you. Every move she makes eggs you on.

Thank Christ she's wearing thin gym shorts.

**== >**

His hands cup your butt and you didn't think it would feel this good. You automatically react and it's a little embarrassing, but then Karkat's hands stay here and you bury your head in the crook of his neck and focus on the feeling.

He squeezes and you moan. He rubs them around and your hips swivel with the motion. He's experimenting, you remind yourself. This is new for the both of you.

Karkat's fingers brush against your crotch and you let out a surprised "ah!" and his hands move away, much to your chagrin. "No..." you mumble. "It's okay. Go back... to that thing... just now..." you manage to say. You feel him swallow thickly and his hands hesitantly go back to what they were doing. You mentally kick yourself for throwing off his groove. Or at least you would have if his fingers weren't brushing against your entrance, making you shiver and move like you've never done before.

Your legs spread wider and his other hand moves up, gives your shoulder a grip, like he's preparing himself for his next move, then moves to your collar bone and down your chest. You push yourself up to allow him room. You want him to touch you there. He cups a small breast and squeezes. You bite your lip and watch.

Karkat looks like he's on cloud nine.

**== >**

Her hips rotate and the friction is enough to send you over the edge. Every part of her fits perfectly in your hand. Every move you make, gives her pleasure. You knew girls were great, but you didn't realize how great they could be.

Nepeta sits up and your hips hitch as all of her weight presses down on your crotch and she reaches back and unsnaps her bra. You stare at her bare chest and think, "Damn, I would like one of those in my mouth."

She leans back down, slinking a hand behind your head and pulls your face towards one. That's when you realized you must have said that out loud.

**== >**

His mouth is hot as he sucks on a nipple. It really does feel amazing. His tongue circles the nub before he gives it a soft bite and your head rolls back. Karkat moves to the other and repeats and your hips roll, rubbing yourself on him, feeling his want that matches your own.

If this feels this great, you can only imagine what going all the way will feel like.

Your moaning gets louder and he seems to lose some part of the control he has because you're suddenly on your back and he's above you, licking your breasts and slinking a hand up your inner thigh, rubbing you. Your hips buck up and he moves his fingers into one of the leg holes.

**== >**

It feels warm and you can smell her, thick in the air. By the sounds of it, she's loving where your hand is going and you continue.

Your fingers graze her and her legs spread. You run a knuckle over it and her back arches. Nepeta is moaning your hand and you are blind with lust. She grips your shoulders and breaths, "Do it." as her hips roll, rubbing herself against your hand...

And that's when you hear the door unlock. You hear keys land on a side table and his voice, call your name.

Nepeta is doe-eyed and scared. You are probably reflecting the same expression.

"Fuck..." You breath, neither of you dare to move, else he might come up to see what you're up to. You glance at the clock and shit, how much time had gone by? You lean down and whisper in her ear, "I'm going to go down there and distract him while you get dressed... o-okay?" She nods, then glances down.

"What about... you know."

"Believe me, if anything's a boner killer, it's my old man coming home." You sigh and run a hand through your hair, fixing it, somewhat. 

You slide off of the bed and straighten the rest of yourself up before heading down there, yelling, but not before peeking back into the room and whispering, "We'll continue this, later. You're not off the hook." 

The last thing you see before heading down his Nepeta sticking her tongue out at you and your can't hide the smile on your face.

**== >**

You officially got farther than you thought you would and that is something. Patting yourself on your back, you find your shirt on the ground and pick it up before noticing Karkat's cell on his dresser. You get a terrible, awful idea.

Karkat is going to flip his shit when he sees his new wallpaper.

**== > The End**


End file.
